Negative Thinking

From DailyOM

Every thought we think and every action we take has an effect on the world around us. To be aware of this is to be conscious of our impact on the people in our lives. Sometimes we just want to do what we want to do, but considering the full ramifications of our actions can be an important part of our spiritual growth and awareness. At first, being more conscious requires effort, but once we have made it a habit, it becomes second nature. The more we practice this awareness of others, the more we find ourselves in easy alignment with our integrity.

Our thoughts are an important place to begin this practice because our thoughts are the seeds of our actions. It is not necessary or beneficial to obsessively monitor all our thoughts, but we can perhaps choose one thought or action per day and simply notice if we are in alignment with this experience of integrity. For example, we may find ourselves replaying a negative encounter with someone in our minds. We may think that this doesn’t affect the person about whom we are thinking, but the laws of energy tell us that it does. When we hold someone negatively in our minds, we risk trapping them in negativity. If we were this person, we might wish for forgiveness and release. We can offer this by simply letting go of the negative thought and replacing it with a wish for healing on that person’s behalf.

With regard to our actions, we may have something difficult to express to someone. Taking the time to consider how we would feel if we were in his or her shoes will enable us to communicate more sensitively than we would if we just expressed ourselves from our own perspective. When we modify our approach by taking someone else’s feelings into account, we bring benefit to that person and ourselves equally. The more we do this, the more we reaffirm our integrity and the integrity of our relationship to the world.

Autumn is by far my most favorite time of year. That nice little bit starting in October and ending right before Christmas--at least down here. You know it's time when you go out one morning, there's a chill in the air, and the sky is the clearest and bluest you've seen in a while--since last fall, in fact. If I could have a constant year round it would be the lovely feeling I get when it's exactly how it is today.

Got my tooth pulled last Wed. They gave me percocet, which put me to sleep, so I've been sleeping at night and staying up during the day. I'm enjoying that a lot. I like the quiet time of having no one else awake when I'm awake....but Kevin and Sherry are both at work most days, and Donnie doesn't wake up until later in the afternoon. So I still get my alone time. And since they're at work instead of asleep, I can make all the noise I want :D. Because honestly, Donnie's kept me awake enough times that he deserves the same treatment. I've tried doing the whole Golden Rule with him, but he just doesn't get it. He doesn't change his habits no matter how you ask or explain the value of it. So, no more worrying.

Haven't gotten rid of anymore clutter. I should maybe work on that today. And do a few little things, like put that dresser drawer up thats been sitting on top of the dresser for oh four months. I don't know if I'm being lazy or just procrastinating.

Reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It's actually really enjoyable, staying true to Austen while being different enough to feel like a different story. It's been good.

So today--declutter something, clean something. I think that should be totally manageable.

Pic from here.

*Edit* I just spent an HOUR trying to figure out how to put the border on the right side there as well. LOVE ME.

Keep Moving Forward

I've started to write this blog a million times, never actually able to start typing. I've got ideas in my head, several topics to write about, but for some reason I can't get myself to typing. I think I'm afraid of dealing with the things in my life. But today I realized I am dealing with them.

Too many of my posts so far have been negative--what I don't like, what I'm upset about, what I want that I don't have. So I'm going to work on being more positive. I owe it to myself.

I've been really torn up about David. Nutshell: I love him. I am fairly certain he love(d) me. He has a girlfriend. I crossed a line. He tried to ruin my reputation; I took him back. He tried to do it again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me? Maybe, maybe not. Our relationship, at least on my side, is currently at a standstill. I've heard through various channels that he still considers me a friend; can I consider him a friend? I think that I do, that I always will. There will always be that part of me that wants him. He is the first person I felt physically comfortable with in an intimate manner. There is a connection there that will never go away; there will always be an intimacy that I will crave.

Kevin made a good point. I think he was joking about it at first, not realizing the gravitas, but then realized it made sense. He basically said that David and I had dated. I denied it, on the basis of the fact that he already has a serious long term girlfriend, but Kevin refused my refusal and asked me why it isn't possible. And I realized it's true. Only our dates took place at my house, and always in a group setting. And sometimes his real girlfriend was there. Oh the tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive. The emotional connection of dating was present. The up and down and butterflies of a new relationship was there.

Looking at it as a failed relationship has allowed me to start to move past the hurt. It wasn't David my friend who left me--it was David my "boyfriend." Now the two will always be intertwined, and I'm not saying that what he did is excusable or easily forgivable. But I feel better about it. And isn't that what I wanted this whole time? To feel better? Yes. I just wanted to feel better and have him back. But not getting what I want is bound to work out in the end.

So. I am now broken up with my on and off boyfriend of the last two years. We have the same friends, we float in the same circles, we work in the same building. I will see him, I will hear stories about him, I will speak to him. But now my attitude is different. And that is where the difference lies. My happiness in the situation is up to me, has always been up to me. I can't rely on David for my happiness. Because he won't make me happy, even if I get what I want from him--I need to find the strength in myself.

Secondarily, and just as importantly, I have to pinpoint the things I miss and desire about him, and satisfy those desires in another way. The first thing that comes to mind is the physical closeness, the intimacy. I was thinking about that tonight while I was at work and it struck me that I haven't hugged anyone since we stopped seeing each other. And even before the fiasco, he was the only person I was physical with in any way. So I made sure I got a hug from someone before I left work. It felt good. I'm going to have to work on getting that physical reassurance from other avenues. Completely doable.

I'm trying not to dwell on thinking about David, just taking my thoughts and letting them pass, so currently no other "misses" come to mind. As they surface I will embrace them, find a way to satisfy them without David, and move on. Of course, missing the man himself isn't replaceable, but what is life without some wondering "what if" and "if only."

Life is moving forward, and I'm going to enjoy it.

Light up the SKY

At a standstill. So many things to say but so many of those things aren't worth the effort; even less are they worth looking back on.

Target started carrying Dr Bronner's shampoos and soaps. While at first I was pretty excited to see a sort of mainstream acceptance of such an ideal...eventually I was just sad. Like this secret thing I've known about my whole life and cherished as being something only I knew about...now anyone can go get it and love it.

Technology and innovation is leading to the loss of my individuality. At least, most days, it feels like it.

So right now my question is what things have I wanted in life, thinking they would bring me joy and/or happiness, that when I achieved/earned/gained them, did not give me the feeling I thought they would? What did I hope would bring me happiness and didn't?

That's a hard question.

"Authenticity is the key to happiness--the more true you are to yourself, the happier you'll be."

Thinking.

So I'm thinking of dying my hair brown.

Why? Why would I take away this red?

IDK I need a change! Something to stimulate me into wanting to get ready in the mornings! To do my hair and put on some makeup and look like I care about what I look like.

So it hit me pretty hard yesterday just how much like my mother I am. I guess in the good ways, but it worries me that I don't see myself like her in the bad ways. I don't want to be anything like her. But she used to be a good person. There used to be things about her that I liked. Just nothing about her now. Families, man.

Epic to do list is not getting done...mostly because when I get home Kevin is going to sleep, and Donnie doesn't wake up til after I go to bed. But it's my weekend, this to do list is a week old, and I'M GOING TO DO THINGS!

I went and got the rest of my stuff from my dads yesterday. My room is totally empty. I got one of my outside cats, Emma, the orange one, and I'm fairly certain he's run away from this house already. He was my favourite.

This house is so dusty. I cleaned the ceiling fans not even two months ago and they are caked in dust again. Ugh. And the air filter is so nasty after a month it's not even funny! The carpets are stained again. I'm thinking next payday I'm going to try and con everyone into pitching in 10 bucks to rent the shampooer again, to do the living room/hallway again. Work work work work.

Donnie has to work today so if I wake up I should have about three hours to myself in the house. I can do anything! Clean everything! Oh that is what is frustrating me about life lately. I feel like I'm the only one doing any housework. Donnie takes out trash, Sherry does the front yard, I do dishes. But along with dishes I also clean the counters. And then sweep the floor. And donnie NEVER takes the trash out when it's full...it usually sits there full for a day or two and trash starts piling up on the counter and then you can't empty food into it so bowls of food sit around and it's just GROSS. So last night when I asked Donnie when he was going to take it out (after it being full for two days) he said, when are you going to wash the dishes? And I said I did a full load last night. And then I did another full load, including his dishes he said he would wash. And guess what.

The trash is still sitting there.

Agggggggravating!

My phone wasn't charging, so I was without it for a whole day! And it broke my car charger. But I got a new one yesterday, I've been using it to charge my battery. I just need to transfer my info over and activate it. But I'm lazy.

I've gotten four bags of books to donate to the Friends of the Library sale. And I'm thinking of just going ahead and donating all of the cds I don't listen to in the car; they're all on my ipod anyway. Getting rid of clutter is sooo nice! Except for when it gets into the sentimental stuff, or stuff from grandparents etc, because I think about how they don't have much money but they sent me such and such, so how can I get rid of something they spent money on? But really...that money is gone, and holding onto the artifact doesn't bring it back. It's just strenuous sometimes.

My next project is to tackle the two rubbermaid bins full of clothes in the back of my closet. You know the ones--the shirt you wore twice and love but don't want to wear, the out of style things, the things with tags still on them that you like but have never worn; the clothes that you will NEVER fit into unless you lose 800 pounds, the clothes you bought for a certain event and have just held onto. I seriously have clothes that are like 14 years old. THAT is something where I am just like my mother and I HATE it. But donating to Goodwill will make it ok. Right?

My room is a total and complete mess and feels so much like how I feel my room should be. But it's not me anymore. I like that. I like that I want my room to at least resemble cleanliness and look neat...ish.

Taking a semi break from Warcraft. I didn't log on at all Sunday night, started to tackle this ginormous pile of unread magazines I have. And this past night I did the same, cleaned some, hung out with my roomies, read, and logged onto WoW only long enough to do a few dailies. I miss it, but I know that I'm going to be leaving it eventually. How much more time do I really want to waste? I think I've logged 41 or 45 playing days so far. That's 45 times 24 hours. That's over a thousand hours. That's like enough hours in a year for a 401(k). Granted, mine is spread out over 19 months. But that's just the one character.

/needsalife

I miss John a lot. I don't want him to see me like this though. I thought I had gained a lot of weight, but when I got on the scale last night I was 245. So I've only gained like 15 pounds in two years, but alllll my muscle has converted to fat. I am a WHALE. It's horrible. So starting yesterday I ate healthier, and I did some light exercising, some crunches reverse crunches push ups side crunches and some curls with a free weight. Also I've had the dog for a week now, and taking her out constantly and walking her a couple blocks at night. So baby steps all in the right direction. I think I've decided to not eat any fast food at least until September. Which shouldn't be hard considering I don't have money anyway and haven't really been eating out.

So. Life continues. It remains drama filled and not at all the plane of peace I want it to be. But it's my life and I love every minute of it.