Sunday, June 26, 2011

I don't know

I think tumblr might be more the style of blogging I'm looking for?  I just find all these lovely pictures and want to share them with the world. Instead I show them to Wesley, because no one else finds them lovely quite like he does. 

He is quite ideal, you know.  Except for lately when he's in a funk and can't or won't talk about it.  But he does try so hard for me.

I'm getting pretty fat, I suppose I should pay attention to that fact and work on it.

I've tried to restrict my sugar intake the last couple of days, albeit unsuccessfully, but I'm going to try for a few more days yet.  See if that helps me feel better, to sort of pin down what's going on with my body.  To be completely honest, I need to have a bland diet for a few days. Slim fasts, oatmeal, cereal, plain salads, things like that.  My digestive system has been out of whack for a while, along with just in general feeling poorly.  I'm scared to go down to the fitness center, even though every time I've been down there it's empty, just on the chance that someone will look at me judgementally.  I'm the biggest hypocrite I know--I am completely disgusted by obese people, yet I do nothing to rectify my own obesity.  Because I am obese, technically speaking.  I don't look gigantic, but I wear my weight well.  The last number I knew I weighed was something like 245, and I'm certain I've gained weight since then.  My sister and the guys all say I look slimmer, but my clothes are tighter and the way certain parts of me look when I'm not wearing clothes is disturbing to me.  I think I eat mostly when I'm bored, or sedentary.  Which is the majority of my home life....sitting on the computer, dicking around, playing WoW. 

I really miss our other house.  How much more connected with the outdoors I was.  I miss my walks, I miss the trees, I miss never seeing cars....I am not sure this city life stuff is for me.  I like, to an extent, living so close to everything, but I feel a huge disconnect from something important. 

Fucking feelings.



4 comments:

mjb said...

1. In my opinion, seeing someone overweight in a fitness center, obviously working in the right direction, is nothing to sneer at. Ellipticals and treadmills and stationary bikes (do they have a rowing machine?) are much more low-impact than being on the road, and you can monitor things like your heart rate. Also, you set a timed goal, and don't have to worry about how far away from home you are when you reach the end of your time. Also, I'm assuming you have a pool there too (I think we talked about this), so you can almost go straight from the fitness room and fall into the pool and float around and let your muscles relax.
2. I go through those phases with my body all the time, where I feel almost like I need to fast and cleanse my system, everything is all funky, and my overall well-being is out of wack. I'm kind of in the midst of one of those phases right now. I've had a headache since midday yesterday, and it isn't letting up much. Some days I feel so wasted that even standing for a period of time feels like death. Sometimes things kind of go black and I feel like I'm going to pass out and I have to put my head down or be really still and try to gather myself.. I don't like this stuff, and I have no idea what exactly needs to be happening to fix it. All this to say: I relate.
3. I love the pictures you post. You and I are very different people in a lot of ways, but something about the things that speak to us is undeniably the same. I think we are looking the same direction, if you know what I mean.
4. Gainesville is surrounded by springs and national parks. I am CERTAIN that all you have to do is find out which roads to take, and soon you will have well-traveled paths to sanctuaries that you don't expect to be there. Go to the butterfly garden at UF for me. I've never been and have wanted to for a long time. Check how far away Jenny Springs is; it's somewhere I loved. I know there is horseback riding in the area, too. So, Kuck, stop making excuses and take some baby steps. I know you can, and I know you'll feel better when you do. I wish there was a way we could kind of share in these things, because we both need to stop hiding from ourselves.

I love you.

Kuck said...

The butterfly garden is like 18$.

Fuck that shit

mjb said...

So find some free shit. I know it exists.

mjb said...

http://www.paramountplaza.com/attractions/parks.php