I need to update more often, not just when I'm sad or upset. Even just a few words every day...
This weekend was great. Didn't turn my computer on at all Friday or Saturday. Saturday we had a seafood boil, invited a ton of people. The normal people showed up, plus a handful more of people who have been over a time or two but don't make a habit of it. It was a lot of fun, just hanging around all day with Kevin, shopping, and then around the house outside, and then just a good sense of camaraderie when people showed up to hang out. It was really refreshing.
Things with Derek are up and down. I constantly make him prove to me that he cares for me with little tests, asking him for little concessions most every day. I've always had a problem with needing proof of relationships, be they friendships or something more. Johnny is trying really hard to impress on me that I can't pitch the whole game. I have to give up the mound and let him have the ball once in a while, or else I'll never truly know what is going on. Sure, he passes tests all the time. He knows how to hit a home run. Last night I woke up from the completely horrendous, awful dream that I'm not going to rehash, and instinctively I grabbed my phone because I needed Derek, I needed him to calm me down. And he did. Little things like that are a constant proof that he is there for me, that he cares for me. But I need to be able to let go, to give not only him but myself space. If I really love him, I need to let him go, and if he doesn't come back then it wasn't met to be. As much as it would suck to find out I'm holding on to pipe dreams, it is better to find out instead of waiting forever.
Donnie's been less than tactful lately. Yesterday he brought up that I like to play the game, reel people in, and then push them away. I don't know how I push them away. I know how I did it with Derek. Honestly, though...no one is good enough. I play the game because it's fun, I like making people laugh, there is a certain power in holding people in my sway. But there have been so few people that I actually wanted to let in...and only one who I think would actually have been worth it. I don't' think it's that I'm picky, I just think I know that I am so unique (like everybody else!) and that it will take a very certain type of person to handle me. I am very good, I think, at picking out the people I need in my life. Which doesn't mean I don't fail, because I do.
But I am okay.