Tuesday, March 23, 2010

hello my lover

“ Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get. Only what you are expecting to give - which is everything. Katherine Hepburn

“ With all of my being, I wish to consume you. Touch you. Breathe you. Kiss you. Feel you. Truly see you. Caress you. Taste you. Pleasure you. Appreciate you. Dance with you. Sing with you. Laugh with you. Cook with you. Travel with you. Explore with you. Fall for you. Love you. Simply be in the same room with you. I wish for you to touch me. To kiss me. To completely consume me. Fall asleep with your sweet sexy body next to me. Wake up beside me. Hold me in the protection of your arms and never let me go. Unknown

“ You are everyone you have ever loved. Ovid

“ Deep in your soul lies a buried treasure. Wait for the person who can find it. Ovid

Love Sonnet XVII

I wish to see you standing
In the moonlight late at night
I wish for you to see me
And say your love for me is right
I wish for you to wrap me in your arms
So this loneliness finally ends
You are the breath and drink I take
Each day I might live
You are the love that dwells in me
That I want so much to give
The scent of you is everywhere
As if you are still here
I long to lay beside you
But can only shed tears
My love for you will last forever
I know this in my heart
In my dreams we are together
No one can cause us to part
When I look out into the night air
I pray you might be there
I will think of you
In the moonlight shining bright
Then in my mind hold you all night
Until the sweet early morning light

-E. Julienne

Goodbye My Lover, James Blunt

I don't know if you can tell but I'm very melancholy.

I read a book today, by one of my favourite authors. She's a historical mystery romance novelist. This particular one, the girl travels to Transylvania from Scotland to stay with her childhood friend while writing a book, and falls in love with the hero, who of course is hinted at being a vampire. The love affair is deep and dark and mysterious and of course they fall in love with minimal interaction.

I know it's a book. But love does happen, and sometimes it happens swift and deep.

Wesley's been giving my brain a rough time. Tonight he had Kevin's phone, and we were texting while we were all sitting around watching movies. We had mentioned Colpack, and I said hey does he still have a girlfriend? We need to get him over here cause I need to get laid. Joking, of course. Colpack's teeth are too messed up for me to fuck him. And the whole crazy thing. Wesley texted me and asked me if I had fucked Colpack, and I said no, and he asked why not, and I said well a. his teeth are fucked and b. im in love with someone. He asked who I was in love with, and I said New york, and he asked why. I said that it was too much to type, that he made me feel wanted and sexy and worth everything to him. And then he asked didn't he make me feel that way? And I said how he made feel was irrelevant. And he asked why. And so I asked why it mattered. And he said "if is doesnt matter then why would I keep doing it". It went back and forth like that for a while, and finally I said, really, after three years, you're going to do this now? And then he did the normal flight response, that he was just asking questions and that I didn't need to be so mean and that he wasn't asking loaded questions.

If I wasn't 100% positive that we couldn't be friends afterward I probably would just fuck him. But Wesley is Wesley and I am me and we couldn't be friends afterward. As hard as I would try to keep things normal he is incapable of being friends with a girl he's fucked. And I don't want a relationship with him. It wouldn't work. As well matched as we are...he doesn't inspire me. He doesn't give me butterflies. I look at Wesley and I love him, but I'm not in love with him. There is no passion.

I really.


Fucked up.

With Derek.

And as much as I can place blame on him, for being young and afraid, I do what I always do, which is too much too fast. One day I'll find someone who can accept that, and realize that I'm not asking for forever. That when I say I love you, it means that I really love how you make me feel, and that you are amazing and wonderful and fulfilling and you accept me and I love you for that. It doesn't mean I can't live without you. It doesn't mean I need you. It doesn't mean I wanna get married or plan a future.

I love you.

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