Monday, May 11, 2009

So I have a problem.

Linda says I have the glow.

The in love glow.

Oi.

Confusion is really the only way to describe what I'm really feeling right now.

I enjoy him. The passion thing rings true. I couldn't be with anyone who was less than passionate about life. About music, especially.

But not being able to devote himself to me...at least some significant part...I haven't thought really how it makes me feel.

I mean. Who does that? While she's in the room, no less?

I'm trying not to actually think about it. I'm thinking about peripherals, sure, but the actual act of it, the thought process, the ramifications...not so much. Which is true Kuck style. Think about everything around the situation but not the situation. Avoidance. Fuck I'm just like her.

I think it is just physical. I'm fairly certain at this point. Not that it couldn't develop into more, and not that there's not a non physical basis, but the yum is the physical.

Ah. One of my favorite quotes is from one of my favorite movies, Captain Corelli's Mandolin. Penelope Cruz' characters father says, "When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!"

And that IS what love is.

Bah. Who's talking about love. I feel good. Why is that a bad thing? When I've denied myself for so long.

I think I need some time to myself. I loved last night, coming home and SLEEPING. Not drinking, not hanging out, sleeping. David Lee is here now but that doesn't feel like it counts. No plans tomorrow, either. Other than working out. Tuesday is plans. Wednesday, nothing.

I think I'm going to read a book. I was going to pick up LotR but David Swift is reading that now...and over analyzer I am I don't want anyone to think I'm doing it because he's doing it. But of course I'm the only person who would think that. Bleh.

Still need to get out of my own head. This wasn't eloquent or thought out just me rambling.

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