SO. I've got this great big project inside that I've been working on for years and I REALLY want to get it going. Not done, it won't be done ever, I think, at least not by my hands. And that is my intent.
How do I explain what is in my head and my heart. I'm really out of sorts, and I don't know how to get back.
I suppose the only way TO get back is to do. To do something, anything, that is not what I am doing now, that is, detrimental to the life I want to one day lead. I'm 25. Never had a long term relationship. Or a short term one, really. Am I really falling into the trap of the first one? If I take the time to think about it logically...I know they all come back eventually. They do. I'm too strong of a force, too much of a good thing. I am addictive and fun and awesome until I turn my bitch powers on you. David, Joyce, Kenny....they all came back. Not in the same capacity. But I didn't want them in that capacity when they did come back. I'm afraid when I do give up and he comes back that I won't want him anymore. Why am I so afraid? I know .... what do I know. I know I'm ok. I know I will BE ok, whether or not he is in my life. It was beautiful and it was real...and it is over. I need to let it go. I've been saying this for some time now.
I need to change my willpower. To actually have some.
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