glad i didnt.

So i.m lying here in bed, using my phone's wifi cause I'm too lazy to turn on the computer. There's a drunk guy in bed with me, lying crosswise at the foot of the bed, so I'm in a half uncovered position slantwise. I'll be pissed if he farts. I could fuck this guy if I wanted to. He's had a thing for me for years. But I can't do that anymore. When I said I wanted to be committed I meant it.

I was nearly asleep when it hit me how much I want derek to be the one in bed with me, warming me with his skin, holding me close, feeling him breathing.

I contemplated fucking someone tonight.

I cried because I felt unfaithful. To someone who doesn't love me anymore.

I would give absolutely anything to be with him again. Anything except loving him. And I feel like that may be the only thing I could give up that would work. Stop loving him and he'll love me again. Maybe not.

I don't understand how something can feel so right for me and him not feel the same.

My heart is broken and I'm too grieved to look at the pieces.