I've started to write this blog a million times, never actually able to start typing. I've got ideas in my head, several topics to write about, but for some reason I can't get myself to typing. I think I'm afraid of dealing with the things in my life. But today I realized I am dealing with them.
Too many of my posts so far have been negative--what I don't like, what I'm upset about, what I want that I don't have. So I'm going to work on being more positive. I owe it to myself.
I've been really torn up about David. Nutshell: I love him. I am fairly certain he love(d) me. He has a girlfriend. I crossed a line. He tried to ruin my reputation; I took him back. He tried to do it again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me? Maybe, maybe not. Our relationship, at least on my side, is currently at a standstill. I've heard through various channels that he still considers me a friend; can I consider him a friend? I think that I do, that I always will. There will always be that part of me that wants him. He is the first person I felt physically comfortable with in an intimate manner. There is a connection there that will never go away; there will always be an intimacy that I will crave.
Kevin made a good point. I think he was joking about it at first, not realizing the gravitas, but then realized it made sense. He basically said that David and I had dated. I denied it, on the basis of the fact that he already has a serious long term girlfriend, but Kevin refused my refusal and asked me why it isn't possible. And I realized it's true. Only our dates took place at my house, and always in a group setting. And sometimes his real girlfriend was there. Oh the tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive. The emotional connection of dating was present. The up and down and butterflies of a new relationship was there.
Looking at it as a failed relationship has allowed me to start to move past the hurt. It wasn't David my friend who left me--it was David my "boyfriend." Now the two will always be intertwined, and I'm not saying that what he did is excusable or easily forgivable. But I feel better about it. And isn't that what I wanted this whole time? To feel better? Yes. I just wanted to feel better and have him back. But not getting what I want is bound to work out in the end.
So. I am now broken up with my on and off boyfriend of the last two years. We have the same friends, we float in the same circles, we work in the same building. I will see him, I will hear stories about him, I will speak to him. But now my attitude is different. And that is where the difference lies. My happiness in the situation is up to me, has always been up to me. I can't rely on David for my happiness. Because he won't make me happy, even if I get what I want from him--I need to find the strength in myself.
Secondarily, and just as importantly, I have to pinpoint the things I miss and desire about him, and satisfy those desires in another way. The first thing that comes to mind is the physical closeness, the intimacy. I was thinking about that tonight while I was at work and it struck me that I haven't hugged anyone since we stopped seeing each other. And even before the fiasco, he was the only person I was physical with in any way. So I made sure I got a hug from someone before I left work. It felt good. I'm going to have to work on getting that physical reassurance from other avenues. Completely doable.
I'm trying not to dwell on thinking about David, just taking my thoughts and letting them pass, so currently no other "misses" come to mind. As they surface I will embrace them, find a way to satisfy them without David, and move on. Of course, missing the man himself isn't replaceable, but what is life without some wondering "what if" and "if only."
Life is moving forward, and I'm going to enjoy it.
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