Alone Surrounded By Others

So this week has been up down up down up down.

Finally said some things I think I've been holding in for far too long, and of course I didn't get the response I wanted but that's ok, because I got it off my chest and it's GONE.

I don't like being ignored, but you can't make someone do something.

I've had this article open for a few days from Martha Beck. She writes a column in Oprah's magazine and I just adore her. This particular article was about self-defeating habits. Example--you're afraid you're going to lose your job, even though you're a good worker. All of a sudden you start making mistakes. Your brain is subconsciously trying to get you fired so that you no longer have to worry about losing your job. Likewise--I keep waiting for a fight to start, so I'm smothering and butting my head where it doesn't belong. I'm trying to start a fight simply so that I don't have to lie in wait, wondering when it's going to come.

I have far too much drama in my life and I perpetuate ALL of it. So the idea for this month is to step back and evaluate situations before acting. Seems like a normal person thing to do, right?

So work on being normal. Tall order.

Good things, too. Skip came to town and me D David Lee and him all hung out. Good times. It was a welcome distraction on a bad night. I've started trying to get rid of stuff, declutter and clean up my life. It's going slow but it's happening. Which is more than I could ask for.

I'm still feeling lonely but I think it's just where I'm at in my life.

I miss my sister, too.