Yah, ok. I've majorly skimped on blogging this month. In my defense, the person I blog to doesn't have the Internet.
I wonder if I need a private private blog. One that seriously NO ONE knows about. Because this one has turned into me writing to a person.
Maybe I should just stop doing that.
I really feel like I've lost my voice, because everything I write does not feel or sound like me at all.
I'm really really really up in the air about moving. Really nervous. Really torn. I guess I shall take Sir Joyce's advice, and use my downtime on my triple shift tomorrow (today? I am supposed to wake up in three hours) to make a pros and cons list.
I'm worried about losing my sister. Today, as I looked around the house, I thought about how much stuff there is. Where is it going to go? If I move out, and everyone moves somewhere...where is all this stuff gonna go? A lot of it we can live without. A lot of it is just...filler. (Which leads into a whole thought process about how maybe, just maybe, having all this stuff is just that--I'm trying to fill my life, fill this great hole I've always felt I had. Why do I have this whole? Why do I try to fill it with material things? Which makes me think that if anyone read this from a religious viewpoint they'd think I need a god/figurehead, but that's not it. Do I really want to get into all this now? No) But what about something like a dining room table? Or the cherry wood desk I've had forever, that was hand made by a guy Amelia used to take care of? Do I really want to get rid of it? Sometimes I wish we'd never left our first house in Keystone. It had shit tons of storage space.
Ok. So. I guess I really need to talk to my ... gulp ... parents ... about this. Even her. Can't just talk through my dad. I think....
Oh man.
I think I need to get rid of a lot of my stuff. I have a lot. Of. Stuff.
But I mean, really. Do I want the kitchen table? I look at it as a reminder of what my dad tried to do but failed at.
Everything in this house reminds me of failure.
Please let me out of here.
I think I will be so much better once I'm out of here.
2 comments:
i love you. write for yourself. this is YOUR place, and i don't want my reading it to taint your ability to just say what you need to say, feel out what you need to feel out.
i miss you lately, sarahk.
You could always consider password protecting your blog, so you can control who has access to it. My blog is public and many times I feel like I have to censor myself because of that.
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