D

D seems a little hard. I know what words I want to talk about--Discipline & Detach--but both of those words seem really difficult after yesterday.

Okay. Having him as my friend again drives me crazy. Like, I've never met someone who was not the sum of their parts, but a different thing entirely. As far as I can guess, what keeps me coming back is just HOW different we are. Almost exact opposites in social interaction. I don't understand him sometimes at all, but I'm pretty sure that's because I'm not able to sit back and watch. I'm too invested. So I guess this week I'm taking a break. Going to try and detach myself from my head, not overthink anything, decide whether or not I can really live with this. I still feel so much; I can't just turn that off. What I do know is that even with all this crazy in my head, there is this steady undercurrent of calm. Like what I've been missing the last however many months, I found. Even when I'm upset, I'm ... joyful, underneath it all. And I think that is something good. It's just dealing with my head that is the problem. I explained it to you best last night: for so many months, my brain has consisted of playing WoW, watching cartoons...counting to 25 over and over and over. My social interaction has been severely stunted, and even more so just by the sheer fact that I'm not around enough people who challenge me mentally; now all of a sudden there is an influx of energy and my brain is like gogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogo. To the nth degree. And I'm not dealing with it as well as I should be. I'm wearing my own self out mentally, and as you said, probably the other party as well.

I don't know if he gets it. I don't get it. I do but I don't. It feels so unresolved and I don't like that. I want an answer. Maybe that's it. My mind can't handle not knowing the eventuality of it all. Maybe my mind knows more than it's letting on. I definitely hate all these dreams I've been having. I don't know if my brain has been this active in a very long time; definitely not in my sleep, to where I remember it, do I ever remember having this much activity. And I despair because all of these things.

Dependence. It's not something I ever wanted. But I can feel myself drifting towards that path, of feeling he's a necessary part of my life. Not necessary...but needed. I don't like needing other people. I don't like anything that makes me feel less self-reliant than I already am. So maybe some of this also has to do with not feeling like I have any control over the situation. Not in a helpless, well I feel how I feel so I can't fix it way, but in a I feel this way and this person can hurt me and he probably knows that and he therefore has power over me which means I'm not as in control as I thought I was. And for a control junkie that is the ultimate downfall. Not having the control we think we do.

I want to share all of this with him, and I'm afraid of the reaction. Is it so wrong to want to share? With him? I don't know. I think....hmm. I feel the deepness of it all, in my life, and I wonder if it's something he can relate to. If it is deep to him at all. Or not. I mean, there has to be something holding him onto it, for him to put up with the crazy like this. I'm not confident enough in my own value to fathom any real reason for anyone to stick around, really.

But so much of all my relationships I just contribute to my knack for...relationships. I put people at ease, for the most part. I make people comfortable and able to share. To me, people ALWAYS say I've never told anyone this but...so for any one particular person to do so is not indicitave of anything deeper. Is that selfish? Do I trust so much in my own ability that I miss things? Definitely a possibility.

Ok I know I sound horribly depressed and pathetic, but I'm not! This is just what's on my mind right now. Sometimes if you don't get it out you just explode and I don't want to explode anymore. I want to be relaxed about it all and at peace in my own mind. Okay. The dog is looking so sad curled up on my bed that I'm going to join her.

Damn me for not being able to sleep anymore.

And fuck discipline. Andrew Jones can suck a cock.