Sunday, January 25, 2009

Dream weaver

First of all I need your address again. Please email it to me.

Ah so Daniel uploaded his pics from the New Year's Party. Guess who was there. Joyce. And this is the second party in as many months I've known he's gone to. Ok, so he's hanging out. That's good, right? Well, not when the first picture you see he has a bag that may or may not have beer in it (hey, it could be a case of Red Bull. He likes energy drinks, right?). And that six or so subsequent pictures are of him holding the beer bong for everyone.


I know. I'm not anyone's mother. Maybe my "maternal instinct" is partly wanting to be in control and to control. But still. I just feel like that is the total opposite of everything he told me he was. Like...he's enabling them. And he was very against enabling.

And his aim status' are all these emo lonely things from Bright Eyes the last week or so.

It just hurts. Not in like a hurts me kinda way, but more of a...please don't let him have fallen off or lost himself because he's very important way.

Thought about Luxyvag for a bit after that too. I think really why I'm still hung up on the whole thing is because I feel like I'm missing out on something. I had fun with them, I was interested in them, they talked to me, we bonded (me david & kevin). And with the people I hang out with now, it's more like, ok we are going to sit around and watch tv or play board games, but not interact or talk about real things. And of course, David and Kevin are of a higher caliber mentally, but still. The people I hang out with now, they know I'm smarter than them; there is a joke that I have to leave my brain outside when I go over. I'd rather feel dumb than smarter than everyone, if I had to choose. At least with K & D I knew I was in like minded company. So I wonder subconciously what they are doing, what they are talking about, if they are having fun...because I'm not. And I feel so boring now. Honestly. I have WoW. That's nice. But other than that...I don't have much stimulation. Actually, I have close to no stimulation from outside sources. Books, wow...that's all me stimulating my own mind. I don't have anyone really challenging me.

At least I'm starting to figure things out, and not just plod along unhappily. It sure is taking a long time though.

I just. I think about how when I like someone or I'm close to someone, I don't know how I'll ever let go. And I don't let go, really, until someone else comes along. Maybe that's a self-defeating habit. But looking back, as of right now these are the major figures for me: Glen, Joyce, and David. Glen because he was my first. Joyce I think is the first person I loved who I had that connection with. David...I'm not sure why. I'm hoping he's one of the ones that falls away as time goes on.

What else is there. I may have to post more later, I can't think of anything atm.

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