Saturday, September 20, 2008

From 03*26*07

"As surgeons keep their instruments and knives always at hand for cases requiring immediate treatment, so shouldst thou have they thoughts ready..." --Marcus Aurelius

"To succeed, however, in anything at all, one should go understandingly about his work and be prepared for every emergency" --Joshua Slocum

"Few men in their lifetime come anywhere near exhausting the resources dwelling within them. There are deep wells of strength that are never used." --Richard E. Byrd

It seems to me that everything has an impact on everything else. Some small little lesson you learn as a child can have deep ramifications as an adult--being polite, for instance. It never ceases to amaze me how the different experiences I have lived through and dealt with have an impact on so many other situations in my life. Take, for example, church. One of the deepest lessons I kept from church was "girding your loins." I think it's in Corinthians, it talks about putting on the whole armor of God, so that when you are being attacked by Satan, tempted by sin, you have knowledge and belief to back up your decline of temptation. You have the sword of the Spirit, the helmet of Truth. You protect yourself by preparing in advance for something you may never face.

Everyone has such a deep well of goodness, inherently. Tapping into that goodness is like putting a spout on the ocean--once you tap it, it very nearly never dries up. It gets salty, it gets clogged, but it's always a'tricklin. You have to search your heart, your soul, and find your ocean. Find where you get your courage, find what gives you strength. And once you find it, mine it, cultivate. Teach yourself how to draw upon it, to make your life stronger and more defined.

Some things never change. And some things do. Not everything you want is worth fighting for. The hardest part of life may be deciding which battles are worth it, and knowing when to cut your losses and move on. Are some people worth waiting for? No. Are some dreams worth pursuing? No. Are some ideals attainable? No. You have to search, really search, deep inside yourself and decide what you want to be remembered by, what you want to sit back and look at when you are eighty, sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch of your house on your island with your best friend at your side.

How do you tell yourself to stop feeling something you never wanted to feel in the first place? You get mad, for no reason, at the simplest thing, and can't stop the anger. You fall in love with someone totally wrong for you and cannot, for any reason, tell your heart what to do. You let yourself fall into a rut and cannot get out, can't stop trudging along.

I want to wake up, to run from this life, to do what I know God has set out for me to do. I can't waste this incredible gift. The potential in me is limitless--why have I limited myself? Why do I resign myself to a life of complacency, doing the same thing day in and day out, feeling more unlike myself and more horribly wrong than ever?

Why do you consume my mind? Why do I dream about you and think about you and worry and fret and hope and dream for you, and I don't even know you at all? It is you that I am enthralled by. It is you that holds my interest. But it should be I who intrigues you. I am your equal. You just don't realize it. Will we ever really meet? Face to face? Body to soul?

Why do I still think about you, knowing how incredibly insane my life was when I met you and how I will never meet you again? Knowing you took my heart and tore it to pieces, scattering me so far no one could ever find me whole? My most vulnerable self I gave to you and now no one can ever have me again. I hope you're happy.

I worry for you. I love you more than life itself and it kills me to know you are not happy. I want so much more for you than you want for yourself. You are so smart and yet you throw it away. You've had some hard times, you've lived an incredible life. You are the strongest person I know and I lean on you so much. If you knew how much I loved you it would break your heart.

You, my life, my heart, my soul. You complete me more than anyone ever could. My life is alive because I have you. You care more for me than anyone ever has and for that I truly owe you my whole self. You know me better than anyone else and you are still here, you do not throw me away on a bad day. If God came down and offered me everything in exchange for you I would have to laugh in His face.

Those are the four people who shape me. But the funny thing is, with the exception of one, you can't really truly tell who they are unless you are that person. Good luck.

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