Often Happy

Loooooooooooooooong week ahead

2011-07-25T19:12:00.000-04:00

My schedule this week? 10-10, 10-10, 9-5, 9-5, 9-5. Busy busy little bee.

At least I can bring my laptop and tumblr & blogger all day =P

Cleaned the kitchen last night. Cleaned the bathroom. Need to vacuum the whole apartment but I'm really not going to have the time for a few days. Hopefully I'll get my new bed soon! I'm soooo excited, finally growing up and getting out of a twin bed! I definitely am ready for a change in my life. Moving to days at work, I need to start working out, or doing something. I have started watching what I eat somewhat, just being aware of what I'm putting in my body. The scale is gay because our tiles not level, like last night it said I had lost 6 lbs lol. Def not.

I want to start wearing makeup and painting my nails and doing my hair and being a GIRL. Sweet and sassy.

alkjeoiafjmc;nvalksdjf

2011-07-21T00:33:00.000-04:00

I bought a scale today. Thus begins my journey.

I don't know how radically honest I want to be, or if this is even the correct platform. I'm not sure what markers and failsafes I can put into place to help me on my way to being healthier. And happier.

I guess, in the end, the answer is me.

Always me.

Wesley and I are going to make lists of all the reasons we want to lose some weight. Of course, he's practically a bean pole, but hey.

So my dad's fiancee bought me a microwave. You don't realize just how much you come to rely on such a simple innovation until you don't have it. No popcorn, takes forever to make hot pockets, really difficult to eat many types of leftovers, impossible to make some kinds of frozen dinners. Have to dirty tons of pots and pans just to make spaghettios and soup. But no more! =)

I've fallen completely in love with tumblr'ing! Feeds my visual soul like woah. Takes up too much time, of course =). Also watched all 6 seasons of Bones in the last couple weeks, so I'm caught up for the new season this fall! I am totally immersed in the world and the characters. This is the first day in weeks I haven't watched Bones, and I'm definitely missing it. I've dreamt about the show/characters/world almost every night since I started watching it. The only other show I've ever been this immersed in was Dark Angel. Such good shows. Coincidentally, both also on Fox. Gotta love Fox.

Found out today the library here is uber awesome and doesn't charge late fees =)

Started a book, when I went and took my laundry on Saturday. I was more interested in watching Bones though so I haven't gotten very far into it. It's the fifth book (I think?) in a series I really like from an author I adore. They're historical mystery romances set in the 19th century, but trust me, they are not as gross as they sound.

My dad changed out the radiator in my car so that's one more thing done that is responsible and costs a lot of money! Yuck. Been on the low side of hours lately, but I've got 40 some odd hours coming to me next week and then school starts back up soon so there should be more hours available. I hope things start working out better and I don't have to work nights anymore, or that enough night hours open that I don't have to work days. Flipping back and forth really super wears me out, and it's definitely most probably not helping me when it comes to my weight and health.

I have had the sniffles since Wesley was down in April. So has he. It is really weird, and it really sucks.

Decluttering is a stop and start process. Went through a box and a bag yesterday, got about a small wastebasket full of garbage shit I've been holding onto for god knows why. Also got some crap to donate/give away, and found a ton of pairs of earrings I thought were lost forever. Wore some to work today and felt super cute. I'm going to start wearing earrings or a necklace or something to work every day (that I'm not running profusely late, that is) so I start feeling better about myself and caring about myself more.

I guess I REALLY need to start taking better care of myself, hygienically, too. Showering more regularly, shaving more often, spending time on myself. Putting lotion on every day. Because I deserve it. I deserve luxurious pampering showers and having smooth moisturized skin and hair. I hate this rash I've had on my head for a few weeks. I hate sweating and I hate being dirty and I definitely hate germs.

I've started picking up stamps and ink pads here and there, from the dollar bin things at Michael's. I really like rubber stamps, I get that from my Baba. All her letters come with a stamp somewhere. Which reminds me, I need to write her back. She wrote me spontaneously, and included some gift dollars to McDonald's. Super sweet <3.

I'm not sure what I'm going to declutter next. Definitely want to go through the Christmas stuff and get it into different boxes. I've got 2 empty rubbermaid bins, so I want to move away from cardboard boxes and move into more safe and secure storage.

I put all my books on my shelves last week! That's a good one. I picked a few more to donate/pass along, and lightened my load a little more. Now if I could just get inspired to start reading these damn magazines piling up....2 subscriptions have run out, Cosmo and GQ, so that's less coming in. I need to pick up the pace and start actually reading them, because I decided whatever isn't read by the time I move to Seattle is going to the recycle bin. If I can't read a few stacks of magazines in a year, I'm never going to read them.

This post is far too long.

A very good thing

2011-07-17T02:04:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure where you disappeared too, and I'm awfully sorry if I upset you or hurt your feelings. I did not mean to, and I'm afraid I'm too harsh when I don't feel like connecting to the world. I'm not sure what I was upset about, it just went away (I think) without ever manifesting.

More good news. My dad asked Michelle to marry him, and she said yes. They bought some land in Lake Butler, either going to build a house or buy a manufactured home. They plan on getting a new bed soon, so I should have a big kids bed finally! =) Michelle took me shopping today while my dad changed my radiator. She bought me a microwave and a carry-on for my trip to Seattle and a ton of groceries. I'm super blessed.

So I've decided I'm going to lose weight. For real this time. I'm going to buy a scale this week to get started. Wesley and I talked about some goals. The first and second set of 10 pounds my reward will be a pedicure....and when I lose 30 pounds, I'm going to get these sneakers! They are the new Lunaglide +3 and I absolutely love them. Of course, I may get to Nike and try them off and they feel awful, but then I'll just pick another hot pair =).

I've decided also that I want to read 25 books this year. I've read 7 so far, so I'm a little behind on pace. My problem, as is my problem with most everything in my life, is that I can't get started. Once I start something, whoosh, it's done or close to done, but the act of starting is what holds me back. A tip on one of the uncluttering blogs I follow is the one-minute rule. If something takes a minute or less, just do it now. So often, some of the minor things we put off or dread take less than a minute. And when we put them off, they tend to add up or cause problems that take much much longer than a minute to solve. It is an easy, simple preventative measure that actually helps me feel good about doing the crap jobs around the house. I've also taken up with keeping the kitchen cleaner on a consistent basis--no dishes piling up, cleaning up messes as soon as possible. Just in general a more proactive approach, rather than a stressful reactive approach.

So my goal for this week is to be more mindful of the calories I'm consuming and putting in my body. Just watching, taking up keeping track again.

Yes, please

2011-07-09T00:11:00.001-04:00

So my dad did a really cool thing last night...

He surprised us with tickets to Alhambra dinner theater. We went and ate a scrumptious meal: spinach salad with gorgonzola, cherry tomatoes, walnuts, and mango saffron vinaigrette; lavender seared chicken, truffle mac n cheese, steamed veggies; and a wonka cake! Chocolate cake, chocolate whipped cream, regular whipped cream, m&m's, chocolate bits, blueberries, and strawberry drizzle. Divine.

The musical was Willy Wonka! It was way super cute, and I'm glad I went even though I had a crappy evening before that.

They're giving me a queen size bed, the first time I'll have a bed bigger than a twin size! And Michelle said we're all getting cruises for Christmas. Very exciting. The best part, though, came this morning. They're gonna go ahead and buy my ticket to Seattle for me! I'll just pay them back as I have the money. I'm going Oct 30 through Nov 6, and I'm so looking forward to it. I had wanted to go closer to Thanksgiving, but it didn't work out. Last year Michelle had bought us some tickets to Missourri that we ended up not using, so we're using those as vouchers, and the airline doesn't fly from Seattle to Jacksonville after that date in November. Oh, well. I'll see Wesley sooner! And also she's planning on getting a beach house sometime in August for a week.

So lots and lots of good news.

I need to do SOMETHING this weekend. Something productive. Definitely need to do laundry, I have no clean work clothes....things have been worn two and three times (oh yes, sniff test in progress). My savior was that I got two new shirts this week, a manager polo and a promotion tee. I hate doing laundry now, lugging it down 2 flights of stairs, all the way to the front office, and either walking back home and going up and down to transfer to the dryer and pick them up, or spending two hours down at the laundry room waiting to switch and then dry. Bleh.

Also, not having a microwave blows. I miss popcorn. Our microwave died shortly after moving in, and I haven't the money and Kevin hasn't the inclination to buy a new one. Ah, well. Such is life.

I finished an excellent collection of short stories this week. I really am loving the library being right across the street.

I'm stuck. I haven't made much headway on my gigantic pile of magazines (3 subscriptions dating back 2 years, 2 other subscriptions dating back 3 years). How can that information still even be valid, you ask? Well Better Homes & Gardens, Self, and Oprah aren't really time sensitive, and GQ and Wired still have amazing articles and information in them. GQ ran out this month...I think Wired should run out soon as well. Oprah's subscribed for several more years 8) Thank the light for Coke points.

Caught up on my blogs today. I love finding inspiration everywhere. I just need to use it.

P.S. Morgan, please don't be daunted when you see your essay is 1000 words. Think of how many words you post in each blog entry, and how long does that actually take? The long part is picking an idea, researching, and citing. The writing is easy.

I don't know

2011-06-26T00:27:00.000-04:00

I think tumblr might be more the style of blogging I'm looking for? I just find all these lovely pictures and want to share them with the world. Instead I show them to Wesley, because no one else finds them lovely quite like he does.

He is quite ideal, you know. Except for lately when he's in a funk and can't or won't talk about it. But he does try so hard for me.

I'm getting pretty fat, I suppose I should pay attention to that fact and work on it.

I've tried to restrict my sugar intake the last couple of days, albeit unsuccessfully, but I'm going to try for a few more days yet. See if that helps me feel better, to sort of pin down what's going on with my body. To be completely honest, I need to have a bland diet for a few days. Slim fasts, oatmeal, cereal, plain salads, things like that. My digestive system has been out of whack for a while, along with just in general feeling poorly. I'm scared to go down to the fitness center, even though every time I've been down there it's empty, just on the chance that someone will look at me judgementally. I'm the biggest hypocrite I know--I am completely disgusted by obese people, yet I do nothing to rectify my own obesity. Because I am obese, technically speaking. I don't look gigantic, but I wear my weight well. The last number I knew I weighed was something like 245, and I'm certain I've gained weight since then. My sister and the guys all say I look slimmer, but my clothes are tighter and the way certain parts of me look when I'm not wearing clothes is disturbing to me. I think I eat mostly when I'm bored, or sedentary. Which is the majority of my home life....sitting on the computer, dicking around, playing WoW.

I really miss our other house. How much more connected with the outdoors I was. I miss my walks, I miss the trees, I miss never seeing cars....I am not sure this city life stuff is for me. I like, to an extent, living so close to everything, but I feel a huge disconnect from something important.

Fucking feelings.

I give up

2011-06-21T07:13:00.000-04:00

Not that anyone reads this anywayyyyy but I give up on the daily thing. It's not even really interesting.

I think I might have diabetes.

I realllllly need to start working out, now more than ever, if I think there is a serious problem with my health.

I have no idea how to be disciplined when it comes to myself.

Is this one of those posts where all I want is sympathy from the internet? Apparently.

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

2011-06-20T00:36:00.000-04:00

Super old but still my Morgan <3

Should I keep doing this? I suppose I don't post with enough regularity to do a day 1, day 2, day 3 set of posts....

Last night and today were rough. I stopped at Target to cheer myself up (terrible, I know, spending money to feel better). I got a super cute frame to go with my other frames. I dreammmm of the day when I have a mantle or sideboard covered in all different frames with lovely pictures in them. All the frames I have now are turquoise and something. I love love loveeeee turquoise.

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.

2011-05-31T01:15:00.000-04:00

I love this picture! Of course it's only funny because it ties into a story that happened with some friends one night....

Well, let's see...I've worked every day for the last 4 weeks and I'm fairly exhausted. No end in sight, honestly.

I cleaned over 100 unread emails out of my inbox just by deciding that my time and not being stressed out by the large number was not worth the possibility of some uplifting quotes or ideas.

Nutella is fucking amazing.

Still working on getting my room together....working so much has definitely stymied that effort. Too tired to do things, much rather veg out and do nothing. Ah, well.

Here's to hoping I get a day off, soon.

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.

2011-05-15T17:45:00.000-04:00

I.

LOVE.

Sharpies.

I have probably over 100. I absolutely adore them. They were my first purchase on my Sam's card, a huge box of them. I get every collection that comes out. In the original fine point, of course.

(I also don't think they are my MOST treasured item, but I wanted to do something happy =] )

Today is for putting things together, going through stuff, catching up on blogs. Also sitting in a cave in Deepholm waiting for a rare spawn, oh yes.

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

2011-05-15T02:06:00.002-04:00

Surprise!

No picture! Because I don't want to trade place with anyone. I'm in love, hopelessly and wonderfully, and why would I want to trade that?

Life is going to be busy in the next few weeks. Scheduled so many days. More pay makes it worth it.

Day 05 - A picture of ......your favorite memory.

2011-05-13T21:44:00.001-04:00

Any time I spend with my sister is a favorite memory. The best are the random times, like this morning, when we just went one day and I picked her up and we got breakfast and went and sat at the lake.

P.S. since day 4, I've moved an hour away, right next to work, gotten promoted to assistant manager, and spent 3 perfect weeks with my boyfriend.

051211

2011-05-12T15:23:00.000-04:00

Look y'all. I'm absolutely terrible at anything that involves commitment.

I have started my decluttering journey. Moving into this 3rd floor apartment, with SO MUCH STUFF, has killed me. I left SO MUCH at the last house, and STILL I have SO MUCH STUFF. So as I'm unpacking (and oh so slowgoing it is), I'm paring down. I'm asking myself if I reallllllly want to hold onto this item, in 14 months pack it up, lug it down 3 floors, and take it with me to Seattle. And once I'm there potentially take it back UP 3 floors.

I don't know about you but that thought has me getting rid of some things that I definitely don't need to hold on to.

2001

2011-05-09T19:21:00.001-04:00

Close they eyes
Dream of everlasting gobstoppers
And starry blue skies
What once was lost
Now is found
And we don't care about the cost.
Toss the head
Fluff the pillow
Now you're off to bed
Go under the covers
Get all toasty and warm
Blanket and bed are lovers
The moon climbs
Ever higher, ever higher
As on voluptous grape vines
The moon goes down
The sun peeks over
The frosted dewy ground
Time to wake up already?

Day 04 - A picture of your night.

2011-03-20T15:03:00.000-04:00

Every time I woke up, Kitty was sitting on my laptop, staring at me. Oh my.

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

2011-03-13T14:03:00.000-04:00

I adore Dark Angel. Unfortunately, there are no cast pics from Season 2, which is my preferred season.

Best show ever.

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.

2011-03-12T14:38:00.000-05:00

Me and John <3

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.

2011-03-11T22:59:00.001-05:00

1. I love Lindt truffles.
2. I expect far too much from people.
3. Sharpie markers make me incredibly happy.
4. I've never done any kind of drugs that weren't prescribed to me.
5. I adore my father.
6. I am exactly like my father.
7. I hate talking on the telephone, with the exception of Morgan, Johnny, and Wesley B.
8. I am looking forward to moving to Seattle so much it hurts
9. I don't think I'm ever going to get married.
10. I come up with great ideas....and rarely follow through.
11. I've been reading a lot of decluttering/minimalist articles lately, but can't get off the computer long enough to do any cleaning
12. I can listen to Florence & the Machine on repeat for days
13. I miss Lauren.
14. I miss Joyce
15. I love Wesley Blackburn. About as much as I enjoy breathing.

Hi.

2011-03-11T22:49:00.000-05:00

I am a terrible blogger.

In an effort to be better, I have stolen an idea from a dear friend on facebook, and decided to follow through with it here rather than there.

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of your night.
Day 05 - A picture of ......your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most effed up things with.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25 - A picture of your day.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.
Day 31 - A picture of you in your room
Day 32 - A picture with someone you don't actually like
Day 33 - A picture with a former crush
Day 34 - A picture of you very drunk
Day 35 - A picture of your parents
Day 36 - A picture of you on your birthday/favorite holiday
Day 37 - The youngest picture of you in digital form
Day 38 - A picture of you in your favorite outfit
Day 39 - A picture of you making a goofy face at the camera
Day 40 - A picture of you showing off a new haircut
Day 41 - A picture you edited to make yourself look more attractive
Day 42 - A picture of 2 things you love
Day 43 - A picture of you truly being yourself
Day 44 - The most recent picture of you
Day 45 - A picture of you looking ridiculous
Day 46 - A picture of a time that is over but you wish wasn't
Day 47 - A picture of a time that is over & you couldn't be more happy it was
Day 48 - A picture with your oldest friend
Day 49 - A picture with your newest friend
Day 50 - A picture of a time you were anything but happy & trying to fake it
Day 51 - A picture you had no idea was being taken
Day 52 - A picture when you were a different person than you are now
Day 53 - A picture of you in a swimsuit
Day 54 - A picture of yourself that you like
Day 55 - A picture of yourself that you hate
Day 56 - A picture with someone you love
Day 57 - A picture of how you'd like the world to see you
Day 58 - A picture that describes how you'd like to spend everyday
Day 59 - A picture of a time when everything was changing
Day 60 - A picture that makes your heart hurt
Day 61 - A picture that makes your heart smile
Day 62 - A picture of one of the best days of your life
Day 63 - A picture of something important, something very important

11/13/10

2010-11-13T06:37:00.000-05:00

“Holding on to anything is like holding on to your breath. You will suffocate. The only way to get anything in the physical universe is by letting go of it. Let go & it will be yours forever”. – Deepak Chopra

Today

2010-08-15T08:47:00.000-04:00

Say that you love me...

2010-08-13T18:41:00.000-04:00

Renaming

2010-08-11T14:00:00.010-04:00

All I want is to be ordinary. Not in the boring sense, but in the, "And she had rough times, and came out the other side all the better for them; and though she was often happy, there was a small part of her that always looked back and remembered."

Peace

2010-08-10T01:23:00.000-04:00

I miss her smell and the way she tastes. It's a mystery of human chemistry and i dont understand it some people as far as their senses are concerned just feel like...home. --John Cusack, High Fidelity

No woman should ever forget that she doesn’t need someone who doesn’t need her. --Cheri Denton

You never fall in love the same way twice.

Blue

2010-08-09T04:33:00.000-04:00

Ninety-nine percent of the world’s lovers are not with their first choice. That’s what makes the jukebox play.
Willie Nelson

You don’t need to win anyone’s heart. You just need to ask for it.
Thirteen, House M.D.

You’re mad. Bonkers. Off your head. But I’ll tell you a secret - all the best people are.
Alice in Wonderland

It's not the letting go that hurts--it's the holding on.--Tyne Daly, Judging Amy

The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core strength within you that survives all hurt. --Max Lerner

On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean. --Aldous Huxley

Hey you, expecting results without effort! So sensitive! So long-suffering! You, in the clutches of death, acting like an immortal! Hey sufferer, you are destroying yourself! --Santideva, Bodhicaryavatara

Anything or anyone that could cause you so much pain and simply walk away without a second thought can not be part of your destiny but instead was only part of your history and helped you become who you are supposed to be.

Happiness

2010-07-27T06:00:00.002-04:00

If you want to take your happiness score to the next level, you need to recognize the difference between chasing after happiness and choosing happiness. Happiness is not outside you; it's not a destination; and it's not about "getting there." When you stop chasing happiness, you allow yourself to be more present, more available and more open. This way you find happiness wherever you are.

"Although eating honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called."

What I really want, is the feeling of fulfillment. Of being sated, happy, content. Knowing I have the means to support myself in any endeavor I choose.

So why don't I just feel those feelings?

"Our natural tendency is to avoid uncertainty. This kind of inertia is difficult to overcome."

"You can't just think yourself into happiness," says Berns: "You have to get up and do things you've never done before. And that entails risk. And risk entails anxiety. And even when those things don't turn out the way you hope, in the end you're more satisfied." Embracing uncertainty, he points out, also builds emotional resilience, "toughening you up for unexpected bad stuff that you have no control over."

I have in me what I need to be happy. I just need to use it. Be here, now.

quoting

2010-07-24T01:10:00.004-04:00

Fantasy love is much better than reality love. Never doing it is very exciting. The most exciting attractions are between two opposites that never meet.
Andy Warhol

Insanity is knowing that what you’re doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can’t stop it.
Elizabeth Wurtzel

It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it.
Oscar Wilde

The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become.
W.E.B. Du Bois

I think we ought to read only the kind of books that wound and stab us. If the book we are reading doesn’t wake us up with a blow on the head, what are we reading it for? …we need the books that affect us like a disaster, that grieve us deeply, like the death of someone we loved more than ourselves, like being banished into forests far from everyone, like a suicide. A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us
Franz Kafka

Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters.
Marageret Peters

Nothing lasts forever. Not even your troubles.
A. Glasgow

Love is like war: easy to begin, hard to end.

When you’re born a lover
You’re born to suffer.
Depeche Mode

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To hope is to risk pain.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
William Arthur Ward

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.
Anaïs Nin

Suffering

2010-07-19T04:20:00.002-04:00

‘Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure. But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it. Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer.’ ~Shunryu Suzuki

Positive thinking

2010-07-11T17:40:00.000-04:00

So I was just writing in my other private blog (which is just a day to day here's what I did kind of thing so that I can remember, I have a terrible time remembering), and I wrote that I hated myself. And then I decided that that pattern of thinking is self-defeating. It hasn't helped me so far. And I need to think positive to have positive things happen. And I need some positive things to start happening in my life. I need to stop making excuses and start doing things to get the universe rolling in my direction.

Heavily

2010-07-05T01:06:00.002-04:00

I'm heavily broken, and there's nothing I can do. --The Veronicas

I taught myself to always see the signs of falling in love. The special feeling. The way my heart sped up. All the emotions I had felt before.
I taught myself something new today.
That love can never be felt the way it once was. I didn’t know love until I found it for the first time and reminders of what love once felt like have no bearing in the love i’ll feel in the future.
I only need to keep my heart open, feet steady, and my mind open to the unknown because I have more to discover that can’t be found from retracing my steps.
--Boy Meets Love

Real loneliness is not necessarily limited to when you are alone. --Charles Bukowski

I never fall apart because I never fall together. --Andy Warhol

All good books have one thing in common - they are truer than if they had really happened, and after you’ve read one of them you will feel that all that happened, happened to you and it belongs to you forever:the happiness and unhappiness, the good and evil, ecstasy and sorrow, the food, wine, beds, people and weather. If you can give that to reader, then you’re a writer. --Ernest Hemingway

I want to read some Palahniuk

never go

2010-06-30T03:20:00.002-04:00

I have never, as much as right now, felt so succinctly the fact that I am a failure.

I have wasted my potential. I have squandered the gift of my brain and I now have nothing but fears. And they feel insurmountable.

Que sera, sera

2010-06-29T14:30:00.005-04:00

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering. --Paulo Coelho

I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, Sir,’ said Alice, ‘because I’m not myself you see.’ --Lewis Carroll ~ Alice In Wonderland

That’s what you never got. It takes an entire lifetime to write the words “And they lived happily ever after. --via: I wrote this for you (via kari-shma)

I should forget and smile but all I can do is remember and cry. --Anon

Sad thing is, you can still love someone and be wrong for them. --Elvis Presley

Fantasy love is much better than reality love. Never doing it is very exciting. The most exciting attractions are between two opposites that never meet. --Andy Warhol

I'm not depressed, actually. I just see these and they speak to my heart. It's been 3 days. 3 completely normal, totally simple days. I miss him and I don't. I work on letting go. No, I don't work on it. I just simply don't think about it, and before I know it the letting go will have worked on itself. No regrets. Just remembering the pure simple goodness.

Morgan, you said I fixate. I never thought of it like that before. I'm going to try and fixate on something positive...reading? No, I do that already. Something. Maybe something outward, like fixating on working out. We'll see.

I am who I am and there is only so much I can change while still being what I am.

2010-06-26T03:36:00.004-04:00

--The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Just do it- whatever it is. --Ben Lee

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. --Dr. Seuss

So you lie to yourself to be happy. There’s nothing wrong with that. We all do it. --Teddy Gammell

Bed is for sissies. Unless you’re having sex, in which case..no. Bed is still for sissies. --Gregory House

Closure’s overrated. I’m more of a fan of open-ended, unrequited love. --Seth (The OC)

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. --Robert Heinlein

You fall in love and it doesn’t work out, and you think that it’ll never happen again, but it does. Believe me, it does. In the strangest of places. --Dawson’s Creek

That's what I'm hoping for. Because it feels like the end.

I think a lot

2010-06-25T17:13:00.001-04:00

Don’t try to understand everything, because sometimes it is not meant to be understood, but to be accepted.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. *Written by Max Ehrmann

Once you find a way to face this bravely, you’ll see these things have a way of sorting themselves out. *A Place In The Sun

Sometimes love means letting go when you want to hold on tighter. --Melissa Marr

the fuuuuuuuuuu

2010-06-25T01:51:00.007-04:00

So I'm sitting here with a clay mask on my face and I can't really do much. So. Blogging I go.

I am really digging the new Eminem album. I'm actually REALLY digging the new playlist I made...172 songs of pure awesome.

I'm at a loss for words. How am I, Sarah Galleta the Great, unable to come up with anything to say? Let me find some inspiration...going quote hunting.

Don't let someone become your everything; when they are gone you have nothing.

When you open your mind to the impossible, sometimes you find the truth. --Walter Bishop. Fringe.

Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within. --Sigmund Freud

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I’m only falling apart
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
--Bonnie Tyler

I can’t always be waiting, waiting on you
I can’t always be playing, playing your fool
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing | Jack Johnson

Hey this is the third or fourth time this week that this Jack Johnson song has come up. I think I should take a hint.

Primary

2010-06-24T18:38:00.003-04:00

This is my primary blog. My second blog is private, only I can see it. It's a day diary....I put my weight as the title, and then I write what I eat and what I did. Sometimes how those things made me feel. When I decide to be organized and keep a planner, in addition to things I'm going to or need to do, I put what I did. Went to so and so's, spent x $ at x store, did a full body scrub today, etc. Also why I keep thinking I'm updating this blog when I'm not =).

My stomach is telling me im hungry, but ive had two glasses of beverage. I've been up for only 7 hours and I had a bagel & I still taste doritos. Stupid stomach. Today has been alright so far, slept far too late to be able to go to Keystone and apply for a groc store position. Swept the house, inc my room, dusted the walls in my room and found three spiders in the corners (they were the same color as the wood!). Went through my box of craft stuff and threw some junk out, put some things where they were better suited to go (copy paper into the drawer of stationary). I have a lot of STUFF. And I can't find my fabric =(. I've been wanting to make a long roll thing and stuff it, to put under the crack in my door as a noise buffer. I even bought thread and already owned needles...but now I can't find my fabric. I'm wondering if I threw it away, thinking I was never going to use it. Highly possible. Went through and subscribed to a ton of interior design blogs that caught my eye. Now I can't complain about not getting updates! I've caught up on all the blogs I can be, just not the tumbler's....I believe they last forever.

Now I'm going to make a playlist real quick, inspired by a. Eminem & Rihanna's new song Love the Way you Lie and b. finding some lyrics to a Yellowcard song I had printed out years ago. Once that's complete, I'm going to hit play and start working on that craft project I've been trying to finish for two years now. More than two years, now.

Update more later :D

Eh I tried to find a decent video of Love the Way You Lie but there are none. Look it up on playlist or myspace! It's beautiful.

MORGAN

2010-06-23T21:50:00.004-04:00

this is for you

So I need to post every day! Oi vey. I've been catching up on all my back issues of magazines. I've got three years worth of Oprahs, two of Real Simple, and a year a piece of Wired, Self, GQ, and Better Homes & Gardens. More of Oprah & Real Simple because they are my favorite.

GQ is probably my new favorite, however. It is written so smartly, the articles so different from the next, so eloquent and smart. It is unparalleled in its beauty.

I think I'm never going to read another Cosmo again. It's trash. The fashion tips aren't even that good. And all the sex articles are the same, regurgitated every other month or so. And they weed out all the recurring authors I do enjoy.

The thing that sucks about Oprah is that the email newsletter oftentimes uses old printed articles...so I've already read a lot of them.

Email. Oh man don't get me started. I subscribe to 3 email newsletters that I actually read....the rest I only read if the titles appeal to me. The first, and the one I've had longest, is from Aaron Karo (ruminations.com). A rumination is a contemplation or reflection, something most comedians use in stand up for the best laugh. Easily relatable, it tells an entire shared experience in a few short sentences. His website is great, because users can submit their own ruminations, and those get the BEST laughs or cries in my opinion. It's only biweekly, unfortunately, but it is what I look forward to MOST in my inbox.

The second is dailyom, a quick three paragraph meditative type deal. Sometimes too new agey, sometimes a little TOO out there, but usually a good little soul snack. The last is a daily quote, from Oprah.com. That one I can usually do without, as it's one of her go to guys, like Dr. Oz or Suze Orman. But sometimes there are some real gems. Oprah is another magazine that weeded out my favorite column--their monthly calender, always with a great piece of art on one side, and tons of great themed quotes on the business side.

Sad.

I went and saw my granny today. I was running late on purpose so we wouldn't have to stay long, I took Lindsay with me as backup of course. She was already drunk at 11 am, and talked a lot of nonsense before telling me to come back on the 1st for some money. Woman is crazy.

Went to lunch with my dad, Lindsay, and Michelle yesterday. They came and picked me up, we went to La Hacienda III and then went and walked down by the river, on the thing that goes under the bridge. It was nice. I really like her, and I REALLY like that my dad is happy. Finally.

I got on wow last night, to say my goodbyes, send out all my gold. Was getting ready to log off after crying a bit, and Derek says to me to wait, he's got to talk to me. So I wait. And he wants to talk about his bff. Now. You were right. I am biased now. But I try, for his sake. So he tells me about how she got cold feet and drove home and he had to go get her and convince her she was crazy and to come back. And it dawned on me, that he really puts a lot of things on his shoulders that he doesn't necessarily have to. So we talk about her and the wedding for a while. Then I decide I REALLY want to log off, so we switch to texting, and he immediately makes it sexual and full of innuendos. Which I miss, because when we can do that it's back to normal a little bit more. So I went with it a few times back and forth, because it is what I do, but then I thought, "Why am I doing this?" and I changed the subject. He got a little butt hurt after that, he was probably looking for something, but he didn't give it to me when I wanted it so I don't think I'm ready to help him out. I got a good good night out of him, which was good for my <3. And then I apparently texted him in my sleep, about the carrying things on his shoulders stuff. To which he responded in normal Derek fashion that he was "good, yo". What a kid. A kid that I heart haha.

Alright. Cat is a pain in the ass won't leave me be.

Goals

2010-06-21T20:50:00.003-04:00

This is my list of goals from last year.

FULL TIME JOB.
~~pay off car~~
replace timing belt on my car
pay off my unemployment bill
visit Morgan
empty & clean my car. monthly.
reread ~~Hobbit~~/Lord of the Rings
get tan-visit beach at least once a month, april thru october
~~move out~~
have 1k in savings by 2010
blog once a week
spend as much time off the computer as on. if I wow for three hours I need to do something off the computer, not work, not sleep, for three hours.

Wasn't a very productive year, goal wise. Only completed 2.25 of the goals. How can I work on this this year?

Im going to work on a new set of goals, and I need to come up with PLANS on how to FULFILL these goals.

books

2010-06-21T20:45:00.002-04:00

I have read very few books this year.

The Charlemagne Pursuit, Steve Berry
The Dead Travel Fast, Deanna Raybourn
The Fellowship of the Ring, J.R.R. Tolkien
Loose Girl, Kerry Cohen Hoffman
The Wildwater Walking Club, Claire Cook
Alexandra, Gone, Anna McPartlin

2010-06-18T02:04:00.002-04:00

Maybe not everything is supposed to last forever. Certain things are like... like... skywriting. Like, a really beautiful thing that lasts for a couple moments and then... You know? --Little Manhattan

Isn’t it amazing how a person who was once just a stranger, suddenly meant the world to you? --Pae Edejer

I waited, and waited. And he waited too, though I didn’t know what he was waiting for. It felt like I was the only one reaching out. But he was always there. Watching me watching him. Never any closer to me, but never any farther away, either. --Maggie Stiefvater, Shiver

I am inhabited by a cry.
Nightly it flaps out
Looking, with its hooks, for something to love.
I am terrified by this dark thing
That sleeps in me;
All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity.
--Sylvia Plath

I am not ok.

willpower

2010-06-18T00:46:00.002-04:00

My willpower is terrible. What are you thinking Morgan.

SO. I've got this great big project inside that I've been working on for years and I REALLY want to get it going. Not done, it won't be done ever, I think, at least not by my hands. And that is my intent.

How do I explain what is in my head and my heart. I'm really out of sorts, and I don't know how to get back.

I suppose the only way TO get back is to do. To do something, anything, that is not what I am doing now, that is, detrimental to the life I want to one day lead. I'm 25. Never had a long term relationship. Or a short term one, really. Am I really falling into the trap of the first one? If I take the time to think about it logically...I know they all come back eventually. They do. I'm too strong of a force, too much of a good thing. I am addictive and fun and awesome until I turn my bitch powers on you. David, Joyce, Kenny....they all came back. Not in the same capacity. But I didn't want them in that capacity when they did come back. I'm afraid when I do give up and he comes back that I won't want him anymore. Why am I so afraid? I know .... what do I know. I know I'm ok. I know I will BE ok, whether or not he is in my life. It was beautiful and it was real...and it is over. I need to let it go. I've been saying this for some time now.

I need to change my willpower. To actually have some.

2010-06-17T12:55:00.001-04:00

no forced relationship
would ever result in anything good.

Love is only beautiful when the feelings are mutual.

How cruel, immoral is the power of manipulation when it's housed under the roof of unrequited love?
I know I didn't like it;
to be cared for only when he had nothing better to do.
No one deserves to be treated like a doormat.

Stolen from my friend at mickeylovesb.blogspot.com

orchids

2010-06-14T01:57:00.001-04:00

What a freaking couple of days.

woah

2010-06-10T02:59:00.001-04:00

I almost missed today!

Lots of thought processes today. Need to calm down and be less high strung.

Live in the moment, not in the past or the future.

Tired.

slow day

2010-06-08T17:55:00.004-04:00

Just got done watching the MTV Movie Awards. There were some pretty funny parts, some pretty lame parts. I love how much KStew hates the Twilight franchise. Downloading a ton of movies now; dl'ed Xtina's new cd and it is really good so far. She is so talented...I remember when I used to sing and could hit long high loud notes! So many things I need to work on practicing.

Today is a slow day. Last night I made zucchini bread, and the boys devoured it, so I made a second batch today, it's in the oven now. Started Hook last night, left partway in for wow and boy was that a mistake. As if that wasn't obvious. I don't know why I keep thinking it will be okay--it will never be okay. Got in a huge fight with Derek...which ran the gauntlet through the night from terrible crying hating myself thinking about how fucked up my family is to awesome amazing he is so sweet and loves me I think back to he put up a wall and that ended it. I am finally serious. I am done. I am setting the ball down, I am walking away from the mound, I dropped the ball off on his side of the court. Time for me to let time work how only time can.

Got some bad news last night. Wes has been in boot camp for two weeks and he just found out he failed his drug test. He's supposed to come home today, he is supposed to call RJ and have him come get him from the bus station, but no one has heard anything yet. It really blows because Wes stopped smoking at least three weeks before he left; he ran 4-6 miles every day and drank gallons of water, he piss tested himself at his job before he left (and he worked at a parole office doing piss tests so...)...there is no way anything should have been in his system still. The only thing I can figure is that there is a greater plan...there is a reason Wes is coming home. In his letter he said that he thinks he won't be able to live at home, and if he can stay with us. Of course he can stay with us. Kevin feels a bit responsible, because they still smoked around him...but I don't know that they can blame themselves. Who knows, honestly.

And now I'm wondering if this is all some kind of sick joke...stress on top of stress. Sigh.

Alright, going to do something productive today...fold clothes, maybe.

what

2010-06-07T19:13:00.002-04:00

I need to update more often, not just when I'm sad or upset. Even just a few words every day...

This weekend was great. Didn't turn my computer on at all Friday or Saturday. Saturday we had a seafood boil, invited a ton of people. The normal people showed up, plus a handful more of people who have been over a time or two but don't make a habit of it. It was a lot of fun, just hanging around all day with Kevin, shopping, and then around the house outside, and then just a good sense of camaraderie when people showed up to hang out. It was really refreshing.

Things with Derek are up and down. I constantly make him prove to me that he cares for me with little tests, asking him for little concessions most every day. I've always had a problem with needing proof of relationships, be they friendships or something more. Johnny is trying really hard to impress on me that I can't pitch the whole game. I have to give up the mound and let him have the ball once in a while, or else I'll never truly know what is going on. Sure, he passes tests all the time. He knows how to hit a home run. Last night I woke up from the completely horrendous, awful dream that I'm not going to rehash, and instinctively I grabbed my phone because I needed Derek, I needed him to calm me down. And he did. Little things like that are a constant proof that he is there for me, that he cares for me. But I need to be able to let go, to give not only him but myself space. If I really love him, I need to let him go, and if he doesn't come back then it wasn't met to be. As much as it would suck to find out I'm holding on to pipe dreams, it is better to find out instead of waiting forever.

Donnie's been less than tactful lately. Yesterday he brought up that I like to play the game, reel people in, and then push them away. I don't know how I push them away. I know how I did it with Derek. Honestly, though...no one is good enough. I play the game because it's fun, I like making people laugh, there is a certain power in holding people in my sway. But there have been so few people that I actually wanted to let in...and only one who I think would actually have been worth it. I don't' think it's that I'm picky, I just think I know that I am so unique (like everybody else!) and that it will take a very certain type of person to handle me. I am very good, I think, at picking out the people I need in my life. Which doesn't mean I don't fail, because I do.

But I am okay.

Dreams last so long, even after you're gone

2010-05-21T11:24:00.005-04:00

“ Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say, find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I’m not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense in living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love- well, you haven’t lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived. Meet Joe Black

“ Only in quiet waters things mirror themselves undistorted. Only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world. H. Margolius

“ The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present. Barbara De Angelis

“ How long has it been since someone touched part of you other than your body? Laurel Hoodwrit

How do you move on when the one you love no longer loves you?

I make things much more serious than they need to be.

“ This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind…let it be something good.

“ There are moments that mark your life, moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same. Then time is forever divided into two parts, before this and after this.

“ One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter. James Earl Jones

“ I want to be with you for the rest of my life because you are the first person I want to look at when I wake up in the morning and the only person I want to fall asleep beside. I feel safe in your arms and comforted by your touch. You are the one I would most want to be stranded on a desert island with. You are always on my mind and hold the deepest place in my heart, whether we are together or a thousand miles apart. Unknown

2010-05-15T03:03:00.003-04:00

“ Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the person who brings out the best in you and inspires you to be a better person. Wait for the one who will be your best friend, who you can tell anything to, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what. The person who makes you smile and laugh like no one else and when they look at you, you know how much they want you and need you. Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world, even when you are just in sweats and a t-shirt, but appreciates it when you get dressed up for them. And most of all wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe, because that’s where you belong.

“ I don’t think you ever really stop loving someone. You just get used to them not being around.

Alexandra Elise

“ Sometimes you meet somebody and you know that whatever you did before, it must have been right. Nothing could have been too bad or gone too far wrong because it led you to this person. E. Hawke

the vibe is wrong

2010-05-09T03:04:00.003-04:00

“ Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing’s wrong, but inside every breath hurts.

“ Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you.

“ Eventually a person tires of everything except their heart’s true love.

I could never get tired of him.

“ The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel pain.

“ The way to love anything is to realize it might be lost. --G.H. Chesterton

I have to learn to let go.

Not because it is over.

But because right now is not the right time.

The future is open to possibility.

Don't let the days go by...

2010-05-04T04:07:00.005-04:00

“ I don’t just want love, I want an insatiable mutual addiction. Kim Cattrall

I needed you more, you wanted us less
Could not kiss, just regress

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I need to get over it. And I don't want to.

2010-04-29T04:55:00.002-04:00

how do i move on

UGH

2010-04-28T07:01:00.003-04:00

“ Love is who you think about during the happy songs. Love is who you think about during the sad songs. Unknown

“ Things do not change; we change. Henry David Thoreau

You make me want things I didn't think I wanted at all.

Im sad and depressed again.

2010-04-26T19:44:00.000-04:00

Well, it's over.

I need to move on.

good

2010-04-15T12:07:00.002-04:00

My attitude makes all the difference.

This has been a good week.

He really does make me feel good. Fulfilled and sated. I'm pretty sure this is how it's supposed to feel.

Sure there are problems. Sure I think I'm way more into than he is. But if I'm ok and content what's the problem in that?

**********************

Just do.

The rest of the world becomes meaningless distraction. It’s just you, and your doing.

And you realize: this is all that matters. In this, there is everything.

“Zen is not some kind of excitement, but concentration on our usual everyday routine.” ~Shunryu Suzuki

eggs

2010-04-06T11:38:00.002-04:00

It's been a ridiculously long, dramatic, over the top unnecessary weekend.

I just watched every episode of The Guild. Why have I never watched this show before? It's amazingggggggggggggggggggg. And it made me think about Blizzcon. Meeting people is going to be weird! But I'm like 100% positive it's going to be fun. I'm missing something. I have turned into this person that cares what other people think and I keep myself in check and I pretend to be this person that I'm not. I do the whore thing for attention, and I overplay it. I don't like it anymore. It's not funny. I used to be that girl at the party that was surrounded by a group of people all laughing ridiculously and coming up with insane things to pass the time and HAVING FUN. Now I sit in a chair or on a wall and play a supporting role, watching and not participating. And part of that has to do with my physical self. I hate how I look so I assume others are passing the same judgment on me as well. I feel awkward hugging my friends or shaking people's hands when I meet them. Total lack of confidence.

I don't feel like writing anymore.

sucks

2010-03-30T08:15:00.002-04:00

I can't even orgasm. The few times I've tried to masturbate without derek, as soon as I am thisclose to cumming, he pops in my head and I lose all desire and am completely turned off. Instantly sad and all worked up physically with no release.

He tried talking to me. And I ignored him. Later that night dave wanted to vent hop, and we ended up on trc vent in a channel with him and kayria. Neither of them said anything so we just continued our ridiculous conversation about toothpaste and black guys. I know he was there, listening. I know he watches /2 and sees me. I know he's keeping tabs on me trolling. Does he know I'm only doing it so he gets mad enough to want to whisper me and tell me to shutup or call me a whore, just so that he's talking to me?

I wish he would stream so I can log in and out and see if I'm on his friends list. But it would break my heart if I'm not.

hello my lover

2010-03-23T04:41:00.020-04:00

“ Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get. Only what you are expecting to give - which is everything. Katherine Hepburn

“ With all of my being, I wish to consume you. Touch you. Breathe you. Kiss you. Feel you. Truly see you. Caress you. Taste you. Pleasure you. Appreciate you. Dance with you. Sing with you. Laugh with you. Cook with you. Travel with you. Explore with you. Fall for you. Love you. Simply be in the same room with you. I wish for you to touch me. To kiss me. To completely consume me. Fall asleep with your sweet sexy body next to me. Wake up beside me. Hold me in the protection of your arms and never let me go. Unknown

“ You are everyone you have ever loved. Ovid

“ Deep in your soul lies a buried treasure. Wait for the person who can find it. Ovid

Love Sonnet XVII

I wish to see you standing
In the moonlight late at night
I wish for you to see me
And say your love for me is right
I wish for you to wrap me in your arms
So this loneliness finally ends
You are the breath and drink I take
Each day I might live
You are the love that dwells in me
That I want so much to give
The scent of you is everywhere
As if you are still here
I long to lay beside you
But can only shed tears
My love for you will last forever
I know this in my heart
In my dreams we are together
No one can cause us to part
When I look out into the night air
I pray you might be there
I will think of you
In the moonlight shining bright
Then in my mind hold you all night
Until the sweet early morning light

-E. Julienne

Goodbye My Lover, James Blunt

I don't know if you can tell but I'm very melancholy.

I read a book today, by one of my favourite authors. She's a historical mystery romance novelist. This particular one, the girl travels to Transylvania from Scotland to stay with her childhood friend while writing a book, and falls in love with the hero, who of course is hinted at being a vampire. The love affair is deep and dark and mysterious and of course they fall in love with minimal interaction.

I know it's a book. But love does happen, and sometimes it happens swift and deep.

Wesley's been giving my brain a rough time. Tonight he had Kevin's phone, and we were texting while we were all sitting around watching movies. We had mentioned Colpack, and I said hey does he still have a girlfriend? We need to get him over here cause I need to get laid. Joking, of course. Colpack's teeth are too messed up for me to fuck him. And the whole crazy thing. Wesley texted me and asked me if I had fucked Colpack, and I said no, and he asked why not, and I said well a. his teeth are fucked and b. im in love with someone. He asked who I was in love with, and I said New york, and he asked why. I said that it was too much to type, that he made me feel wanted and sexy and worth everything to him. And then he asked didn't he make me feel that way? And I said how he made feel was irrelevant. And he asked why. And so I asked why it mattered. And he said "if is doesnt matter then why would I keep doing it". It went back and forth like that for a while, and finally I said, really, after three years, you're going to do this now? And then he did the normal flight response, that he was just asking questions and that I didn't need to be so mean and that he wasn't asking loaded questions.

If I wasn't 100% positive that we couldn't be friends afterward I probably would just fuck him. But Wesley is Wesley and I am me and we couldn't be friends afterward. As hard as I would try to keep things normal he is incapable of being friends with a girl he's fucked. And I don't want a relationship with him. It wouldn't work. As well matched as we are...he doesn't inspire me. He doesn't give me butterflies. I look at Wesley and I love him, but I'm not in love with him. There is no passion.

I really.

Really.

Fucked up.

With Derek.

And as much as I can place blame on him, for being young and afraid, I do what I always do, which is too much too fast. One day I'll find someone who can accept that, and realize that I'm not asking for forever. That when I say I love you, it means that I really love how you make me feel, and that you are amazing and wonderful and fulfilling and you accept me and I love you for that. It doesn't mean I can't live without you. It doesn't mean I need you. It doesn't mean I wanna get married or plan a future.

I love you.

2010-03-21T05:49:00.002-04:00

“ If it isn’t good, let it die. If it doesn’t die, make it good. Ajahn Chah

“ True love occurs only when someone knows the worst thing about you, and loves you anyways. M. Williamson

Love Sonnet XVI

I sit here alone the silence so loud
My heart aches for I need your sound
I sit here alone in silence reminisce
I ache for your touch and the feel of your kiss
The taste of your lips as they melt into me
The feel of your fingertips as they caress me
The strength in your arms so secure I did feel
The touch of your hand made your feelings seem real
The memory of you so close to my skin
Your sound and your touch will always be within
There will always be a special place in my heart
That will hold you so dearly even though we are apart
The love that we shared will always be here
My soul will miss you because you are not near
I hope you find happiness, I hope you find love
I will never forget you, my sweet, sweet love.

-E. Julienne

How can I miss him so much when we didn't even meet? I miss his touch and his smell and his face and his kiss and his arms around me....and I've never even seen him.

I feel as though a part of me is missing.

Why do I feel so passionately? It always ends in me hurting. And this time it's so deep and so real...it completely overshadows any supposed heartbreak I've ever had before. I feel as if I am broken for the first time. I can literally feel pieces of my heart, as if he was holding it and then just let it drop. I didn't know how true it was when we said I would be ruined after him. I have no sex drive. I don't want to touch myself. Talking to any guy makes me feel like I'm cheating, like I'm being untrue. Talking to any guy just makes me realize there is only ONE guy I want to talk to, and that if he was all I had I'd be more than ok with it.

This is so unhealthy. How do I stop feeling? How do I stop craving him with everything that I am?

glad i didnt.

2010-03-18T05:19:00.002-04:00

So i.m lying here in bed, using my phone's wifi cause I'm too lazy to turn on the computer. There's a drunk guy in bed with me, lying crosswise at the foot of the bed, so I'm in a half uncovered position slantwise. I'll be pissed if he farts. I could fuck this guy if I wanted to. He's had a thing for me for years. But I can't do that anymore. When I said I wanted to be committed I meant it.

I was nearly asleep when it hit me how much I want derek to be the one in bed with me, warming me with his skin, holding me close, feeling him breathing.

I contemplated fucking someone tonight.

I cried because I felt unfaithful. To someone who doesn't love me anymore.

I would give absolutely anything to be with him again. Anything except loving him. And I feel like that may be the only thing I could give up that would work. Stop loving him and he'll love me again. Maybe not.

I don't understand how something can feel so right for me and him not feel the same.

My heart is broken and I'm too grieved to look at the pieces.

sad again.

2010-03-15T02:42:00.004-04:00

“ The overwhelming yearning of one human body for another particular one and its indifference to substitutes is one of life’s major mysteries. Iris Murdock

"trust yourself. you know more than you think you do" dr spock

“ It’s unbelievable how the loss of something you never had can hurt so much. L. Massa

"I need a hug, a kiss, an exchange of words. Someone to tell me everything will be ok."

“ You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry. R. Stinton

"I wish my brain had a map to tell me where my heart should go."

"You have to do stuff that average people don't understand because those are the only good things." --andy warhol

"i'll bet you'll never remember the things I'll never forget"

"you cant rely on other people to make you happy"

"you are what you love and not what loves you back."

"life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forgive the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason."

"the only thing that makes it a part of your life is that you keep thinking about it."

“ The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same. C. Castaneda

“ No matter where you run, you will just keep running into yourself. unknown

"your worst battle is between what you know and what you feel."

"i hate that feeling, when you feel hungry, but you don't want any food you see, and you can't figure out what food you want, and you don't think it even exists, but then you realize that what you want is to see the person you're missing."

"stop. breathe. cry if you must."

sad

2010-03-14T13:14:00.000-04:00

'To sense that behind anything that can be experienced there is a something that our mind cannot grasp and whose beauty and sublimity reaches us only indirectly and as a feeble reflection, this is religiousness. In this sense I am religious.' -Albert Einstein

I am wallowing in a pit of sorrow, and I have no idea how to swim.

2010-02-12T00:52:00.002-05:00

Hello hi it's been nearly 4 months since I've posted.

I reminded myself :D

I have a semi stalker and so I think I might make this blog private....there's all of one person who reads it anyway lol.

Love is good. Even when it's fighting it's still worth it.

Negative Thinking

2009-10-29T09:34:00.001-04:00

From DailyOM

Every thought we think and every action we take has an effect on the world around us. To be aware of this is to be conscious of our impact on the people in our lives. Sometimes we just want to do what we want to do, but considering the full ramifications of our actions can be an important part of our spiritual growth and awareness. At first, being more conscious requires effort, but once we have made it a habit, it becomes second nature. The more we practice this awareness of others, the more we find ourselves in easy alignment with our integrity.

Our thoughts are an important place to begin this practice because our thoughts are the seeds of our actions. It is not necessary or beneficial to obsessively monitor all our thoughts, but we can perhaps choose one thought or action per day and simply notice if we are in alignment with this experience of integrity. For example, we may find ourselves replaying a negative encounter with someone in our minds. We may think that this doesn’t affect the person about whom we are thinking, but the laws of energy tell us that it does. When we hold someone negatively in our minds, we risk trapping them in negativity. If we were this person, we might wish for forgiveness and release. We can offer this by simply letting go of the negative thought and replacing it with a wish for healing on that person’s behalf.

With regard to our actions, we may have something difficult to express to someone. Taking the time to consider how we would feel if we were in his or her shoes will enable us to communicate more sensitively than we would if we just expressed ourselves from our own perspective. When we modify our approach by taking someone else’s feelings into account, we bring benefit to that person and ourselves equally. The more we do this, the more we reaffirm our integrity and the integrity of our relationship to the world.

2009-10-26T09:07:00.004-04:00

Autumn is by far my most favorite time of year. That nice little bit starting in October and ending right before Christmas--at least down here. You know it's time when you go out one morning, there's a chill in the air, and the sky is the clearest and bluest you've seen in a while--since last fall, in fact. If I could have a constant year round it would be the lovely feeling I get when it's exactly how it is today.

Got my tooth pulled last Wed. They gave me percocet, which put me to sleep, so I've been sleeping at night and staying up during the day. I'm enjoying that a lot. I like the quiet time of having no one else awake when I'm awake....but Kevin and Sherry are both at work most days, and Donnie doesn't wake up until later in the afternoon. So I still get my alone time. And since they're at work instead of asleep, I can make all the noise I want :D. Because honestly, Donnie's kept me awake enough times that he deserves the same treatment. I've tried doing the whole Golden Rule with him, but he just doesn't get it. He doesn't change his habits no matter how you ask or explain the value of it. So, no more worrying.

Haven't gotten rid of anymore clutter. I should maybe work on that today. And do a few little things, like put that dresser drawer up thats been sitting on top of the dresser for oh four months. I don't know if I'm being lazy or just procrastinating.

Reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It's actually really enjoyable, staying true to Austen while being different enough to feel like a different story. It's been good.

So today--declutter something, clean something. I think that should be totally manageable.

Pic from here.

*Edit* I just spent an HOUR trying to figure out how to put the border on the right side there as well. LOVE ME.

Keep Moving Forward

2009-10-09T05:43:00.002-04:00

I've started to write this blog a million times, never actually able to start typing. I've got ideas in my head, several topics to write about, but for some reason I can't get myself to typing. I think I'm afraid of dealing with the things in my life. But today I realized I am dealing with them.

Too many of my posts so far have been negative--what I don't like, what I'm upset about, what I want that I don't have. So I'm going to work on being more positive. I owe it to myself.

I've been really torn up about David. Nutshell: I love him. I am fairly certain he love(d) me. He has a girlfriend. I crossed a line. He tried to ruin my reputation; I took him back. He tried to do it again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me? Maybe, maybe not. Our relationship, at least on my side, is currently at a standstill. I've heard through various channels that he still considers me a friend; can I consider him a friend? I think that I do, that I always will. There will always be that part of me that wants him. He is the first person I felt physically comfortable with in an intimate manner. There is a connection there that will never go away; there will always be an intimacy that I will crave.

Kevin made a good point. I think he was joking about it at first, not realizing the gravitas, but then realized it made sense. He basically said that David and I had dated. I denied it, on the basis of the fact that he already has a serious long term girlfriend, but Kevin refused my refusal and asked me why it isn't possible. And I realized it's true. Only our dates took place at my house, and always in a group setting. And sometimes his real girlfriend was there. Oh the tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive. The emotional connection of dating was present. The up and down and butterflies of a new relationship was there.

Looking at it as a failed relationship has allowed me to start to move past the hurt. It wasn't David my friend who left me--it was David my "boyfriend." Now the two will always be intertwined, and I'm not saying that what he did is excusable or easily forgivable. But I feel better about it. And isn't that what I wanted this whole time? To feel better? Yes. I just wanted to feel better and have him back. But not getting what I want is bound to work out in the end.

So. I am now broken up with my on and off boyfriend of the last two years. We have the same friends, we float in the same circles, we work in the same building. I will see him, I will hear stories about him, I will speak to him. But now my attitude is different. And that is where the difference lies. My happiness in the situation is up to me, has always been up to me. I can't rely on David for my happiness. Because he won't make me happy, even if I get what I want from him--I need to find the strength in myself.

Secondarily, and just as importantly, I have to pinpoint the things I miss and desire about him, and satisfy those desires in another way. The first thing that comes to mind is the physical closeness, the intimacy. I was thinking about that tonight while I was at work and it struck me that I haven't hugged anyone since we stopped seeing each other. And even before the fiasco, he was the only person I was physical with in any way. So I made sure I got a hug from someone before I left work. It felt good. I'm going to have to work on getting that physical reassurance from other avenues. Completely doable.

I'm trying not to dwell on thinking about David, just taking my thoughts and letting them pass, so currently no other "misses" come to mind. As they surface I will embrace them, find a way to satisfy them without David, and move on. Of course, missing the man himself isn't replaceable, but what is life without some wondering "what if" and "if only."

Life is moving forward, and I'm going to enjoy it.

Light up the SKY

2009-09-20T02:03:00.000-04:00

At a standstill. So many things to say but so many of those things aren't worth the effort; even less are they worth looking back on.

Target started carrying Dr Bronner's shampoos and soaps. While at first I was pretty excited to see a sort of mainstream acceptance of such an ideal...eventually I was just sad. Like this secret thing I've known about my whole life and cherished as being something only I knew about...now anyone can go get it and love it.

Technology and innovation is leading to the loss of my individuality. At least, most days, it feels like it.

So right now my question is what things have I wanted in life, thinking they would bring me joy and/or happiness, that when I achieved/earned/gained them, did not give me the feeling I thought they would? What did I hope would bring me happiness and didn't?

That's a hard question.

"Authenticity is the key to happiness--the more true you are to yourself, the happier you'll be."

Thinking.

2009-07-21T06:56:00.002-04:00

So I'm thinking of dying my hair brown.

Why? Why would I take away this red?

IDK I need a change! Something to stimulate me into wanting to get ready in the mornings! To do my hair and put on some makeup and look like I care about what I look like.

So it hit me pretty hard yesterday just how much like my mother I am. I guess in the good ways, but it worries me that I don't see myself like her in the bad ways. I don't want to be anything like her. But she used to be a good person. There used to be things about her that I liked. Just nothing about her now. Families, man.

Epic to do list is not getting done...mostly because when I get home Kevin is going to sleep, and Donnie doesn't wake up til after I go to bed. But it's my weekend, this to do list is a week old, and I'M GOING TO DO THINGS!

I went and got the rest of my stuff from my dads yesterday. My room is totally empty. I got one of my outside cats, Emma, the orange one, and I'm fairly certain he's run away from this house already. He was my favourite.

This house is so dusty. I cleaned the ceiling fans not even two months ago and they are caked in dust again. Ugh. And the air filter is so nasty after a month it's not even funny! The carpets are stained again. I'm thinking next payday I'm going to try and con everyone into pitching in 10 bucks to rent the shampooer again, to do the living room/hallway again. Work work work work.

Donnie has to work today so if I wake up I should have about three hours to myself in the house. I can do anything! Clean everything! Oh that is what is frustrating me about life lately. I feel like I'm the only one doing any housework. Donnie takes out trash, Sherry does the front yard, I do dishes. But along with dishes I also clean the counters. And then sweep the floor. And donnie NEVER takes the trash out when it's full...it usually sits there full for a day or two and trash starts piling up on the counter and then you can't empty food into it so bowls of food sit around and it's just GROSS. So last night when I asked Donnie when he was going to take it out (after it being full for two days) he said, when are you going to wash the dishes? And I said I did a full load last night. And then I did another full load, including his dishes he said he would wash. And guess what.

The trash is still sitting there.

Agggggggravating!

My phone wasn't charging, so I was without it for a whole day! And it broke my car charger. But I got a new one yesterday, I've been using it to charge my battery. I just need to transfer my info over and activate it. But I'm lazy.

I've gotten four bags of books to donate to the Friends of the Library sale. And I'm thinking of just going ahead and donating all of the cds I don't listen to in the car; they're all on my ipod anyway. Getting rid of clutter is sooo nice! Except for when it gets into the sentimental stuff, or stuff from grandparents etc, because I think about how they don't have much money but they sent me such and such, so how can I get rid of something they spent money on? But really...that money is gone, and holding onto the artifact doesn't bring it back. It's just strenuous sometimes.

My next project is to tackle the two rubbermaid bins full of clothes in the back of my closet. You know the ones--the shirt you wore twice and love but don't want to wear, the out of style things, the things with tags still on them that you like but have never worn; the clothes that you will NEVER fit into unless you lose 800 pounds, the clothes you bought for a certain event and have just held onto. I seriously have clothes that are like 14 years old. THAT is something where I am just like my mother and I HATE it. But donating to Goodwill will make it ok. Right?

My room is a total and complete mess and feels so much like how I feel my room should be. But it's not me anymore. I like that. I like that I want my room to at least resemble cleanliness and look neat...ish.

Taking a semi break from Warcraft. I didn't log on at all Sunday night, started to tackle this ginormous pile of unread magazines I have. And this past night I did the same, cleaned some, hung out with my roomies, read, and logged onto WoW only long enough to do a few dailies. I miss it, but I know that I'm going to be leaving it eventually. How much more time do I really want to waste? I think I've logged 41 or 45 playing days so far. That's 45 times 24 hours. That's over a thousand hours. That's like enough hours in a year for a 401(k). Granted, mine is spread out over 19 months. But that's just the one character.

/needsalife

I miss John a lot. I don't want him to see me like this though. I thought I had gained a lot of weight, but when I got on the scale last night I was 245. So I've only gained like 15 pounds in two years, but alllll my muscle has converted to fat. I am a WHALE. It's horrible. So starting yesterday I ate healthier, and I did some light exercising, some crunches reverse crunches push ups side crunches and some curls with a free weight. Also I've had the dog for a week now, and taking her out constantly and walking her a couple blocks at night. So baby steps all in the right direction. I think I've decided to not eat any fast food at least until September. Which shouldn't be hard considering I don't have money anyway and haven't really been eating out.

So. Life continues. It remains drama filled and not at all the plane of peace I want it to be. But it's my life and I love every minute of it.

Goals: July 2009

2009-07-14T01:20:00.000-04:00

My 2009 goals.

FULL TIME JOB. *meh*
~~pay off car~~
replace timing belt on my car *not yet*
pay off my unemployment bill *HA!*
visit Morgan
empty & clean my car. monthly. *super uber clean right now, even the trunk!*
reread ~~Hobbit~~/Lord of the Rings *personal drama has put me off this particular conjecture*
get tan-visit beach at least once a month, april thru october *ok so i missed june totally because of the rain. so i got april & may, and I went today! I'll at least twice this month to make up*
~~move out~~
have 1k in savings by 2010
blog once a week *lol. maybe when the drama in my life dies down*
spend as much time off the computer as on. if I wow for three hours I need to do something off the computer, not work, not sleep, for three hours. *if drama counts then i'm set for life*

Alone Surrounded By Others

2009-06-23T07:05:00.002-04:00

So this week has been up down up down up down.

Finally said some things I think I've been holding in for far too long, and of course I didn't get the response I wanted but that's ok, because I got it off my chest and it's GONE.

I don't like being ignored, but you can't make someone do something.

I've had this article open for a few days from Martha Beck. She writes a column in Oprah's magazine and I just adore her. This particular article was about self-defeating habits. Example--you're afraid you're going to lose your job, even though you're a good worker. All of a sudden you start making mistakes. Your brain is subconsciously trying to get you fired so that you no longer have to worry about losing your job. Likewise--I keep waiting for a fight to start, so I'm smothering and butting my head where it doesn't belong. I'm trying to start a fight simply so that I don't have to lie in wait, wondering when it's going to come.

I have far too much drama in my life and I perpetuate ALL of it. So the idea for this month is to step back and evaluate situations before acting. Seems like a normal person thing to do, right?

So work on being normal. Tall order.

Good things, too. Skip came to town and me D David Lee and him all hung out. Good times. It was a welcome distraction on a bad night. I've started trying to get rid of stuff, declutter and clean up my life. It's going slow but it's happening. Which is more than I could ask for.

I'm still feeling lonely but I think it's just where I'm at in my life.

I miss my sister, too.

Alone

2009-06-12T07:03:00.000-04:00

I am so lonely. I feel like every fiber of my being is crying out for someone to hold me, to love me, to make me feel like a part of something...

I don't want to be lonely. Alone, sure. But not lonely. I feel separated, detached, unlinked. To everyone and everything. Nothing gives me pleasure. No one no thing.

I want something that does not belong to me. I want it so much...and not even to own. I don't want it to call my own. I want it to know it's there.

Something essential has fallen away. Something vital has gone missing. I wish I knew what it was. I wish I knew where to find it. I want it back.

Give it back.

Goals: June 2009

2009-06-07T00:43:00.000-04:00

My 2009 goals.

FULL TIME JOB. *meh*
~~pay off car~~
replace timing belt on my car *not yet*
pay off my unemployment bill *HA!*
visit Morgan
empty & clean my car. monthly. *still staying clean!*
reread ~~Hobbit~~/Lord of the Rings *Can't read something someone else is currently reading...*
get tan-visit beach at least once a month, april thru october *have tried to go without fail at least twice a week...but all this friggin rain is putting a huge damper on my plans!*
~~move out~~
have 1k in savings by 2010
blog once a week *meh*
spend as much time off the computer as on. if I wow for three hours I need to do something off the computer, not work, not sleep, for three hours. *.....not gonna talk about it. Better, tho.*

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

2009-06-02T23:27:00.001-04:00

The Origin of Love

When the earth was still flat,
And the clouds made of fire,
And mountains stretched up to the sky,
Sometimes higher,
Folks roamed the earth
Like big rolling kegs.
They had two sets of arms.
They had two sets of legs.
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read.
And they never knew nothing of love.
It was before the origin of love.

The origin of love

And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back,
Called the children of the sun.
And similar in shape and girth
Were the children of the earth.
They looked like two girls
Rolled up in one.
And the children of the moon
Looked like a fork shoved on a spoon.
They was part sun, part earth,
Part daughter, part son.

The origin of love.

Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said,
"I'm gonna kill them all
With my hammer,
Like I killed the giants."
But the Zeus said, "No,
You better let me
Use my lightning, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales
And dinosaurs into lizards."
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh,
Said, "I'll split them right down the middle.
Gonna cut them right up in half."
And then storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire

And then fire shot down
From the sky in bolts
Like shining blades
Of a knife.
And it ripped
Right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun
And the moon
And the earth.
And some Indian god
Sewed the wound up into a hole,
Pulled it round to our belly
To remind us of the price we pay.
And Osiris and the gods of the Nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane,
To scatter us away,
In a flood of wind and rain,
And a sea of tidal waves,
To wash us all away,
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
And we'll be hopping around on one foot
And looking through one eye.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You was looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart,
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We was making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.
That's the origin of love.

Cherry, by Gene Baro

2009-05-26T04:12:00.000-04:00

She said, ‘Now give me flesh to eat,
Flesh of the cherry, dark and sweet.
Bring me a singing bird—the pale
Moonlight, the attending nightingale.

'A languishing poet too?’ I said,
Kneeling beside our tumbled bed,
‘a poet wan, whose young desire
Renews just verses with its fire?’

‘Bad dearest, must you tease and tease?
Leave him to rhyming, if you please.’
She smiled. ‘Come, give me flesh to eat,
Flesh of the cherry, dark and sweet.’

Hm

2009-05-17T03:53:00.003-04:00

Good point EJ.

Good point.

We're not friends. We are lovers. Friends don't do what we do.

It's all about perspective. Every time I get bent out of shape it's because I am so far in my own perspective, so far in my own head, I'm not seeing the whole picture. I'm not seeing half the picture. It's like looking through a camera lens and not looking at the whole world.

I decided I want to get a bad ass old muscle car convertible and drive through the Nevada desert. I fucking LOVE driving around with the top down and letting my hair go crazy.

I love my hair now, too. It's beautiful. I can do anything with it, or absolutely nothing, and it's beautiful.

I really really really feel like I'm finally coming into my own. I do what I want, I am not stressing about things. I think I'm growing up XD.

I need a fridgin haircut. My hair is super long. But I like it, so maybe just a trim up. I get my bonus the second week of june so hopefully it's more than 20 bucks this quarter so I can get a hurrcut. And hopefully my eyebrows waxed.

My ipod is acting crazy and it's making me sad. I'm hoping I can restore it and it fixes itself. I should do that now, actually...brb.

Ok waiting for it to hook up. Lots of things going on in my life. All of them good. As long as I keep them good. It's all in my attitude.

Status Quo

2009-05-15T02:00:00.002-04:00

Ok.

The problem I always have is myself. I get too far in my head, overthink, over analyze, and make situations more important than they really are.

Solution?

Step back. Immerse myself in something else. Let time pass. Readjust my thinking. REALIZE, please, that it's not as important as you think it is.

Something that totally kills my knickers is the fact that if I don't like a guy, I can play him like a fine fiddle, right into doing what I want--putty in my hands. But if I do like the guy, I become a helpless sap, unable to get them to do anything I want. There's probably some deep seated psychological variant I'm missing, but until I figure that part out I need to do what I do right, to the right person/s. I'm not getting where I want to go with my current mode of action, so I need to change it. Step up my game, analyze the right things, instead of the things I have no control over. Think before I act. When in doubt, don't.

Alright then a few things I need to work on...myspace less. Seriously, as addictive as it is, it also tends to let one become creepy obsessive without any transition to the obsessive. It's just automatic. DON'T look at that! You know what I'm talking about. Don't look at it. The less information you know, the better, at least until you have a better grasp on your own head and your feelings. Once you are in control, then you can lay down the knowledge. Remember what happened before. Remember. Don't do it again. Insane--doing the same thing and expecting different results. You're starting it all over and expecting different results. Just because there is a precedence, and a deeper intimacy, does NOT mean that you can repeat. It's not wash rinse repeat. It's wash rinse...get the fuck outta the shower.

Do something DIFFERENT. Try it. Just try it.

Lex and Terry are right and you know it--you so know it. You HAVE to play the I Don't Care Card. It's the only way to win. Showing need pushes people away. Hold that mother freakin card and throw it down every time. Every time throw it down. It's automatic win. And you'll know when to hold the card. You'll know when to hold it if you are listening to your head AND your heart. Not just your vagina.

Ok. The plan for this week/end is to be as lax as possible. Do not pursue anyone at all. Just chill. Relax. Focus your head. Go for a run. Do some yardwork. Read. Clean. Get the rest of my stuff. Focus on me. My health. My happiness. And for god sakes girl keep putting on lotion cause your legs feel amazing.

2009-05-14T05:23:00.002-04:00

I want to write I want to write I want to write I want to write

But I don't have anything to say.

Go figure. Me, verbose, chatty cathy, never shuts up me doesn't have anything to write about.

Chalk it up to being tired.

Going to the beach in the morning! Second time this year. I think I'm starting late in the season, boo hoo, but living in Florida means the beach is open year round! Tan tan tan. Hm I lost five pounds during my drinking binge last week but I started eating again and put two back on. Still wanna lose five by the 23 (which is our next party). Why five? It's not noticeable. No, but five this month, and five next month, and five the next month...and you're sure as shit that's noticeable. So there. On top of the five minus two I lost last week. We'll just tell me it's water weight. Plus that was an at night weigh. Mmhmm that's what we'll tell me.

Leaving the dishes. I've done like all the dishes, made all the ice, vacuumed, mopped...I'm the one keepin this mother freakin house clean. But actually in my head it's ok, because I want it to stay clean clean while others seem to be comfortable in a mildly less than spotless state. Not my fault they don't live up to my expectations. They are MY expectations. And hey, while we're at it, bedrooms are off limits. You can be the cleanest most organized person in the world, but your bedroom is allowed to be messy. Not a war zone or a pig sty or a nuclear blast site. But messy. As long as it stays confined to the bedroom.

I got an entire bag full of books to donate here, and I think another bag's worth at the old house. Purging my stuff, slowly but surely. My next goal is to unpack these three boxes in the middle of my room, purge, put away. Then I'm going to start working on this towering stack of magazines I've been collecting for two years. Recycling all those, so they may sit for a bit until I can find a place to recycle newspaper.

Clothes. That's what is going to kick my ass is getting rid of clothes. I always hope I'll lose weight so I'm afraid to get rid of anything that doesn't fit. Especially since I haven't ever worn a lot of it. Hello tags still on clothes.

My back hurts! I just spent half an hour cleaning the ceiling fan in the living room. It was NASTY. Gonna do mine next, not as nasty but still slightly daunting. My goal is to learn to get in a groove of keeping things clean and not allowing the overwhelming mess that my room used to turn into. Of course, having a larger room is a factor, as is no longer being in my parents home. Entitlement changes a person.

Watched Dracula 2000, II, & III. All really good movies with really bad acting. But Jeremy *Jason?* London is HOT. Well they both are, whichever.

How many movies have I missed because I was *otherwise* occupied? LOL. A lot. Damn waste of time & electricity. But damn worth it.

Really want to read something but not sure what. Picked up a couple different things but wasn't caught on the first page so I put them back down. Ordered my Amazon stuff; no new books after this. SOOO many books & movies I already own & need to read/watch.

Ok I think I'm finally tired so off to bed I go. I need to find my sunscreen before we leave. I know I said I didn't have anything to say...and really I didn't. Mostly telling you what's going on. No insight.

We don't need to have insight every day. Been reading a lot of horoscopy stuff that I've found through the blog of one of my fave modern authors. Good stuff. Found some really neat stuff about Druidic zodiac; I emailed you the link.

Peace.

2009-05-11T02:51:00.002-04:00

So I have a problem.

Linda says I have the glow.

The in love glow.

Oi.

Confusion is really the only way to describe what I'm really feeling right now.

I enjoy him. The passion thing rings true. I couldn't be with anyone who was less than passionate about life. About music, especially.

But not being able to devote himself to me...at least some significant part...I haven't thought really how it makes me feel.

I mean. Who does that? While she's in the room, no less?

I'm trying not to actually think about it. I'm thinking about peripherals, sure, but the actual act of it, the thought process, the ramifications...not so much. Which is true Kuck style. Think about everything around the situation but not the situation. Avoidance. Fuck I'm just like her.

I think it is just physical. I'm fairly certain at this point. Not that it couldn't develop into more, and not that there's not a non physical basis, but the yum is the physical.

Ah. One of my favorite quotes is from one of my favorite movies, Captain Corelli's Mandolin. Penelope Cruz' characters father says, "When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!"

And that IS what love is.

Bah. Who's talking about love. I feel good. Why is that a bad thing? When I've denied myself for so long.

I think I need some time to myself. I loved last night, coming home and SLEEPING. Not drinking, not hanging out, sleeping. David Lee is here now but that doesn't feel like it counts. No plans tomorrow, either. Other than working out. Tuesday is plans. Wednesday, nothing.

I think I'm going to read a book. I was going to pick up LotR but David Swift is reading that now...and over analyzer I am I don't want anyone to think I'm doing it because he's doing it. But of course I'm the only person who would think that. Bleh.

Still need to get out of my own head. This wasn't eloquent or thought out just me rambling.

Metallica? Seriously?

2009-05-04T03:52:00.003-04:00

I am totally simply and completely addicted to Metallica.

This leads me to believe I have turned into a douche bag.

Le sigh.

I wish I could say the reason for this was entirely my own, but of course we know it isn't. Which begs the question is anything truly completely your own idea? Anything you become interested in is because you hear about it or read about it or see someone you enjoy enjoying it.

And the latter would be my case.

I just tooled around on Amazon for an hour and a half trying to find something for 6.06 or as little over as possible so that I can get both free shipping and use my ten dollar gift card but not spend more than 15ish dollars myself. So I'm spending roughly 17 bucks and getting two books, one which I've been desperately waiting to purchase, and a movie. Memento. Seen parts of it, never cohesively. And free shipping. Not too bad.

In my head way too much.

Too much entirely.

I'm in a place in my head I don't like, where I'm constantly obsessed with a few people. Checking myspace/facebook/messenger every five minutes to see if they're online if I got anything new if anything has changed.

Pathetic.

I need another hobby. One that doesn't require the internet. Or requires more concentration and has less down time.

My cat's finally starting to adjust to the new house. Been walking outside of my room, drinking, eating, acting devilish. I'm glad; he had me worried for a few days there. So much less maintenance than a dog. I've been taking care of Sherry's dog this weekend and omg too much work.

Glad I'm not having kids. I'm a pretty selfish bitch.

Complete win. The Stations of the Cross....in pixelvision.

Honestly, reading strangers blogs is one of the most relaxing nicest things I can think of to do. Especially when that stranger is superbly creative or witty. I'm looking at you, deanna raybourn, my so called life, wisecraft and loveheylola.

Want to stifle your creativity? Go eat some cheetos and watch SpongeBob. That actually sounds like heaven, all things considered. Throw some Diet Dr Pepper in there and I may never leave my house again.

Wow. Poor Girl Eats Well. Eating DELICIOUS amazing food on a budget. I love this girl. I totally want to go cook now. Something. Pasta with asparagus. YUM. Tomorrow for dinner!

"Nothing goes so well with a hot fire and buttered crumpets as a wet day without and a good dose of comfortable horrors within." Dorothy Sayers

I do believe Christopher Robin had it right: You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

Yep. I'm feeling pretty good right now.

Goals 2009: May

2009-05-02T03:15:00.004-04:00

So. It's been a while, I know. It's been a very long, very strange, VERY unexpected while.

My 2009 goals.

FULL TIME JOB. *I like only working 4 hours a day actually*
~~pay off car~~
replace timing belt on my car *not yet*
pay off my unemployment bill *HA!*
visit Morgan
empty & clean my car. monthly. *it's staying pretty clean. I even cleaned out most of the trunk last week*
reread ~~Hobbit~~/Lord of the Rings *Just LotR now...haven't felt like reading though.*
get tan-visit beach at least once a month, april thru october *went in april.*
~~move out~~ That's the unexpected one.
have 1k in savings by 2010
blog once a week *failing horribly*
spend as much time off the computer as on. if I wow for three hours I need to do something off the computer, not work, not sleep, for three hours. *actually doing pretty good on this one considering I'm moving and live with people I actually like*

Today. Move?

2009-03-28T01:54:00.004-04:00

Yah, ok. I've majorly skimped on blogging this month. In my defense, the person I blog to doesn't have the Internet.

I wonder if I need a private private blog. One that seriously NO ONE knows about. Because this one has turned into me writing to a person.

Maybe I should just stop doing that.

I really feel like I've lost my voice, because everything I write does not feel or sound like me at all.

I'm really really really up in the air about moving. Really nervous. Really torn. I guess I shall take Sir Joyce's advice, and use my downtime on my triple shift tomorrow (today? I am supposed to wake up in three hours) to make a pros and cons list.

I'm worried about losing my sister. Today, as I looked around the house, I thought about how much stuff there is. Where is it going to go? If I move out, and everyone moves somewhere...where is all this stuff gonna go? A lot of it we can live without. A lot of it is just...filler. (Which leads into a whole thought process about how maybe, just maybe, having all this stuff is just that--I'm trying to fill my life, fill this great hole I've always felt I had. Why do I have this whole? Why do I try to fill it with material things? Which makes me think that if anyone read this from a religious viewpoint they'd think I need a god/figurehead, but that's not it. Do I really want to get into all this now? No) But what about something like a dining room table? Or the cherry wood desk I've had forever, that was hand made by a guy Amelia used to take care of? Do I really want to get rid of it? Sometimes I wish we'd never left our first house in Keystone. It had shit tons of storage space.

Ok. So. I guess I really need to talk to my ... gulp ... parents ... about this. Even her. Can't just talk through my dad. I think....

Oh man.

I think I need to get rid of a lot of my stuff. I have a lot. Of. Stuff.

But I mean, really. Do I want the kitchen table? I look at it as a reminder of what my dad tried to do but failed at.

Everything in this house reminds me of failure.

Please let me out of here.

I think I will be so much better once I'm out of here.

Starbucks cup

2009-03-12T11:24:00.001-04:00

“The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.” - Anne Morris, Starbucks customer from New York City.

I like this. Which is funny because I'm a commitment phobe.

E

2009-03-05T09:19:00.002-05:00

Excerpt:

No man, proclaimed Donne, is an Island, and he was wrong. If we were not islands, we would be lost, drowned in each other's tragedies. We are insulated (a word that means, literally, remember, made into an island) from the tragedy of others, by our island nature, and by the repetitive shape and form of the stories. The shape does not change: there was a human being who was born, lived, and then, by some means or another, died. There. You may fill in the details from your own experience. As unoriginal as any other tale, as unique as any other life. Lives are snowflakes--forming patters we have seen before, as like one another as peas in a pod (and have you ever looked at peas in a pod? I mean, really looked at them? There's not a chance you'd mistake one for another, after a minute's close inspection), but still unique.

Without individuals we see only numbers: a thousand dead, a hundred thousand dead, "casualties may rise to a million." With individual stories, the statistics become people--but even that is a lie, for the people continue to suffer in numbers that themselves are numbing and meaningless. Look, see the child's swollen, swollen belly, and the flies that crawl at the corners of his eyes, his skeletal limbs: will it make it easier for you to know his name, his age, his dreams, his fears? To see him from the inside? And if it does, are we not doing a disservice to his sister, who lies in the searing dust beside him, a distorted, distended caricature of a human child? And there, if we feel for them, are they now more important to us than a thousand other children touched by the same famine, a thousand other young lives who will soon be food for the flies' own myriad squirming children?

We draw our lines around these moments of pain, and remain upon our islands, and they cannot hurt us. They are covered with a smooth, safe, nacreous layer to let them slip, pearllike, from our souls without real pain.

Fiction allows us to slide into these other heads, those other places, and look out through other eyes. And then in the tale we stop before we die, or we die vicariously and unharmed, and in the world beyond the tale we turn the page or close the book, and we resume our lives.

A life that is, like any other, unlike any other.

From American Gods, by Neil Gaiman

Goals 2009: March

2009-03-05T05:29:00.001-05:00

Update, March 5

My 2009 goals.

FULL TIME JOB. *don't get me started*
~~pay off car~~ *sent off the final payment today!*
replace timing belt on my car *not yet*
pay off my unemployment bill
visit Morgan
empty & clean my car. monthly. *completely cleaned the interior last week*
reread Hobbit/Lord of the Rings
get tan-visit beach at least once a month, april thru october
move out
have 1k in savings by 2010
blog once a week *continuing to do so*
spend as much time off the computer as on. if I wow for three hours I need to do something off the computer, not work, not sleep, for three hours. *don't even have wow right now!*

It seems to me that I haven't done much.

D

2009-03-02T08:41:00.003-05:00

D seems a little hard. I know what words I want to talk about--Discipline & Detach--but both of those words seem really difficult after yesterday.

Okay. Having him as my friend again drives me crazy. Like, I've never met someone who was not the sum of their parts, but a different thing entirely. As far as I can guess, what keeps me coming back is just HOW different we are. Almost exact opposites in social interaction. I don't understand him sometimes at all, but I'm pretty sure that's because I'm not able to sit back and watch. I'm too invested. So I guess this week I'm taking a break. Going to try and detach myself from my head, not overthink anything, decide whether or not I can really live with this. I still feel so much; I can't just turn that off. What I do know is that even with all this crazy in my head, there is this steady undercurrent of calm. Like what I've been missing the last however many months, I found. Even when I'm upset, I'm ... joyful, underneath it all. And I think that is something good. It's just dealing with my head that is the problem. I explained it to you best last night: for so many months, my brain has consisted of playing WoW, watching cartoons...counting to 25 over and over and over. My social interaction has been severely stunted, and even more so just by the sheer fact that I'm not around enough people who challenge me mentally; now all of a sudden there is an influx of energy and my brain is like gogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogo. To the nth degree. And I'm not dealing with it as well as I should be. I'm wearing my own self out mentally, and as you said, probably the other party as well.

I don't know if he gets it. I don't get it. I do but I don't. It feels so unresolved and I don't like that. I want an answer. Maybe that's it. My mind can't handle not knowing the eventuality of it all. Maybe my mind knows more than it's letting on. I definitely hate all these dreams I've been having. I don't know if my brain has been this active in a very long time; definitely not in my sleep, to where I remember it, do I ever remember having this much activity. And I despair because all of these things.

Dependence. It's not something I ever wanted. But I can feel myself drifting towards that path, of feeling he's a necessary part of my life. Not necessary...but needed. I don't like needing other people. I don't like anything that makes me feel less self-reliant than I already am. So maybe some of this also has to do with not feeling like I have any control over the situation. Not in a helpless, well I feel how I feel so I can't fix it way, but in a I feel this way and this person can hurt me and he probably knows that and he therefore has power over me which means I'm not as in control as I thought I was. And for a control junkie that is the ultimate downfall. Not having the control we think we do.

I want to share all of this with him, and I'm afraid of the reaction. Is it so wrong to want to share? With him? I don't know. I think....hmm. I feel the deepness of it all, in my life, and I wonder if it's something he can relate to. If it is deep to him at all. Or not. I mean, there has to be something holding him onto it, for him to put up with the crazy like this. I'm not confident enough in my own value to fathom any real reason for anyone to stick around, really.

But so much of all my relationships I just contribute to my knack for...relationships. I put people at ease, for the most part. I make people comfortable and able to share. To me, people ALWAYS say I've never told anyone this but...so for any one particular person to do so is not indicitave of anything deeper. Is that selfish? Do I trust so much in my own ability that I miss things? Definitely a possibility.

Ok I know I sound horribly depressed and pathetic, but I'm not! This is just what's on my mind right now. Sometimes if you don't get it out you just explode and I don't want to explode anymore. I want to be relaxed about it all and at peace in my own mind. Okay. The dog is looking so sad curled up on my bed that I'm going to join her.

Damn me for not being able to sleep anymore.

And fuck discipline. Andrew Jones can suck a cock.

C

2009-02-28T07:06:00.002-05:00

Censorship. I feel lately that I have been censoring myself. Of course, I'm well aware of the reason. Someone has come back in my life who I feel particularly vulnerable towards and while there are a million things I can, will, and want to say to this person, it is the reception of those things that worries me. So I edit what I say, I refrain, I hem and haw and debate over something that should be second nature.

Not as if this person would ever read this.

Cookies. Girl Scout cookies just came in! SOOO happy. I got two boxes of tagalongs (the peanut butter filled ones) a box of Samoas (the coconut ones) and a new kind, Dulce de Leche (caramel & shortbread, it looks like). I love me some caramel, that's for shizzle. But I just bought a thing of oreos the night before, not knowing they were in! So I am on cookie overloard, rofl. Of course I already ate a handful of tagalongs. They are my favorite in the whole world. Until I eat them and I realize they're pretty good but not the best, but hey, nostalgia's a bitch.

Can't sleep. After my work week from hell (some triples, some doubles, close to no sleep) my body is all thrown off. I lay down and sleep for a few hours and get up. And yesterday, I slept for ten hours, and woke up more tired than when I went to bed. There has got to be some technique to get my body to feel rested. Maybe I should go for a jog or something today, get my circulation going, and then come home wash up and conk out. Reading keeps me up, music keeps me up, white noise makes me cold or hot, doesn't matter if it's light or dark. Can't sleep.

Content. It's something I've felt all week. Just having certain things in my life again, it is so amazing to me what a difference I feel. Even with all the drama, there is just his deep seated feeling of peace. That's gotta count for something, right?

B

2009-02-27T07:38:00.000-05:00

In the list of books below, bold the ones you’ve read, italicize the ones you want to read, cross out the ones you won’t touch with a ten-foot pole, put a cross (+) in front of the ones on your book shelf, and asterisk (*) the ones you’ve never heard of. In the comments, let me know if you're up for it; I'd love to see if y'all have been puttin your book-learnin' to good use.

1. +The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. +Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. +Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. +The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. +The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. +The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. +Anne of Green Gables (L. M. Montgomery)
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. *A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. +Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
12. +Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. +Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. +Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. +Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17.* Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. +Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban(Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. +The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. +The Catcher in the Rye (J. D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. +The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. +The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. +The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. +Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. +The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. +The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. *The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38.* I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. *The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. +The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. +Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. Bible
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. +The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)--the unabridged. beat that. twice as long as the abridged. and twice as good.
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. *She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)--would you believe I've never read ANY dickens?
55. +The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. *The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. +Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview with the Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. *Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. +The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. *The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. *The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
81. *Not Wanted On the Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. *Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. +Emma (Jane Austen)
86. +Watership Down (Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley) --one of my all time faves
88. *The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. *Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. *Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. *In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. +The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S. E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. *A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. *The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100.+Ulysses (James Joyce)--I've got a really really old edition that is falling apart...but this book is HUGE.

2009-02-26T08:54:00.003-05:00

You know what?

There is so much beauty in the world.

The smallest thing can bring the greatest joy.

Living with your eyes closed and your heart shut is the greatest sin.

I would rather feel pain than feel nothing at all.

A

2009-02-26T06:06:00.007-05:00

Ok. I went to bed about...three, I think? And I woke up about 5, with my head full of loads of ideas to start posting my ABC blogs.

And of course now I don't remember a single one.

Applesauce is probably one of my favorite snacks. When I was younger, we would go out to eat at least once a week. Not like McDonald's out to eat (which back then was still a treat, once a week or with the grandparents or on long car trips), but I'm talking Red Lobster/Olive Garden/Chili's out to eat. Driving half an hour to Gainesville and dressing in something nicer than play clothes. Every time we went to Red Lobster, I always got applesauce as my side. Fries ok? NO I want appleasauce yo! I didn't eat it for a long time, but I've started again. I get these huge jars, just of the Walmart brand, and eat a small bowlful when I wake up or I'm craving it. So delicious. And the funny thing? I absolutely hate apples.

I've been having these really abnormal dreams lately, of alternate realities, or bringing new and old situations together. For instance, my dream last night, I lived in the first trailer we lived in upon moving to Keystone, and in the trailer next door lived smooshie. We didn't like each other (big surprise there!) but I left my biked parked under this tree right by the fence, and everyone in the neighborhood kept their cell phones on this thing on my handlebars. I guess a cd visor case for cell phones...for my bike. Anyway, I used to be really good friends with the neighbors so I know the layout of the house exactly. So one day, when they neighbors are doing w/e, I ride my bike off into the woods way far down the road so no one can find me, and I start going through her phone looking at her picutres (which was hard, it was some weird phone that doesn't exist and incredibly difficult to access), making sure there were none of l.a., and I found all these pics of her and tons of other girls lifting their tops and exposing themselves. Like in my dream she's this deranged pervert who hates me and I hate her but I hold her cell phone for her. ???? There are of course more details not worth mentioning, like famous people and nice houses in the neighborhood, but it basically ends by me riding around the neighborhood, giving everyone their phones and telling them I'm not holding onto them anymore, and I just walk in her house and give her back her phone and walk out. Weird.

Action is something missing from my life. I am so stagnant and ... boring. I don't go out, I come home sit on the pc or read and go to bed and start all over. I need to bring more events into my life, without bringing drama. Of course, I've got Britney Spears next month, as well as going to see Watchmen and my birthday. Goodness gracious I'm glad certain events have happened in time for my birthday. Back to action. What can I do to invigorate my life a bit? With minimal cost? I could definitely start walking the dog. The trail behind my house is so nice. Warmer weather is here sporadically, I could def start going to the beach when it is warm. It's not like that's difficult; I can just bring my work clothes, go to the beach around 11 or 12 or even later, spend a few hours and come back in time for work. Since it would be on my way home. Movies. There are so many movies that came out that I wanted to see but haven't yet! Andrew is a great movie buddy; and on the weekdays (which are the days I can see movies) they are only five bucks, all day. So what gas I'd need to drive to Andrew's house, about four bucks, plus movies. Ten bucks to get out of this hellhole and have some fun and just escape for a bit.

This last one...I'm not sure how to tie it to an A word. Atrocious. Appalling.

Yes, those will do. Now, to caution, my room does look slightly different, as these were taken probably a month ago. But still the same general idea.

And this is what I've looked like every day for the last six months; I think it's rather Avant garde:

Desire

2009-02-25T07:28:00.003-05:00

There seemed always something new to invent between us...

—Stuart Dybek

It sucks so much to see someone hurting and all you want to do is make them better. No matter what it took I would do it.

I have been having these crazy alternate reality dreams lately. Like, last night I dreamt about Walmart but it was designed different and sold different products and my office was set up and run completely differently and I was totally terrified of being fired. And then at the end yogurt texts me and tells me I'm his sunny sheepdog. WTF.

All anyone wants is someone to share with. The good, the bad, the new, the old. Experiences, feelings, laughter, tears. It can't be just me.

I feel this radical shift coming in me. I'm not sure what it will be or where it will lead but it's coming. I can't explain how I know other than that I do. You should know. I've been wanting things I've never really wanted before. To do things and have things and want things that are so against what I've always thought I wanted.

Totally rockin the 80's music this week.

Already signed into Aim waiting on you. I hope you go to work today. Yea, I remember you'll be late. Started another book. James Rollins, I read a handful of his books last year, very scientific mystery thrillers. I really enjoy his writing style. I ordered five more, nearly finished with one already. So in my main book group, we started our reading goal with the last week of December. So far I've read 25 books, this one will make 26.

Wow.

I'm thinking I'll get my hair cut soon. Trimmed, some slight layers, and bangs....I was thinking to maybe the bridge of my nose, a lil longer, so they can be all side sweepy and scene. Cause I'm not emo. LOL!

I love you.

Opposite Day?

2009-02-16T03:50:00.002-05:00

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday. --Noelle, age 7.

From a forward.

So I'm thinking the principal applies the same when you make fun of a guy for his shirt and he never wears it again. Eh?

Portugal. The Man.

2009-02-05T00:27:00.003-05:00

I don't know what is up but every other page of last months AP mentions Portugal. The Man. They are like huge and influential without even being known.

The Thriving Ivory show was AWESOME. The warm up acts were Company of Thieves and Barcelona. Not super impressed with Barcelona. But Company of Thieves was. Awesome. You should definitely check them out.

I tried to view your playlist, but it wouldn't let me! Said the sn you gave me wasn't a valid playlist.

And you still need to send me your address! I bought you something today and it's sorta've imperative that you get is sooner rather than later!

I opened my pc cause the power source fan was rattling, and cleaned it all out, and it's running much better now. I'm glad. It was acting funky when I was playing Wow.

Alright then. Talk to you soon.

Can't sleep through the night

2009-02-04T06:38:00.003-05:00

Right then. I went to bed at 2:15.

And was up at 4:45.

Why can't I sleep through the night, again?

Every night I've been sleeping for two & a half hours. And getting up. No matter how desperately tired I've been or how much I know I need to be rested for the coming day.

Of course, yesterday, I lay down for a nap oh about ten (whenever I stopped talking, lol!) and stayed there til 4. So I am sleeping.

Just not when I'd like to.

Wish me luck this morning. I really hope I'm able to get a schedule that works with Walmart again. Stressing about that.

Gotta impress someone today. Gonna somewhat straighten my hair then throw it up & wear a pink sweater & black slacks. Cause the pink shirt I wanna wear is nowhere to be found.

I don't fit into any of my clothes anymore. Need to lose weight or buy new clothes.

Let's go to the scale...

3 lbs or thereabouts.

Eh. I am a fatty fattykins. My arms are realllllly gross and flabby and...gross.

Next subject...ehhh...

Ah yes. Once I have money I'm going to get my eyebrows waxed, and buy some new shoes, and take my sister out to Sushi Rock (good Japanese steakhouse across from the Orange Park mall). And you know. Pay rent. So we have a place to live and all. Oh I'm glad I talked about money I ran outta checks and need to put a new set in my car. Glad I remembered, so when I go pay the electric bill I actually have a way to pay!

Started a book called House of Leaves. One of my book group girls sent it to me; I've yet to find a good review of it, except that it is critically acclaimed. The guy who wrote it is basically like, hey look I know how to use all these literary devices that make a great book...kinda've an in your face I'm a better writer than you understand, sort of way. Know what I mean? I'm just barely into it, but I think it's going to scare the crap outta me (it is a scary story at it's core). It's going to be about a house that is bigger inside than it is on the outside. Pretty hard to describe any more. Good, though, so far. I'm about 35 pages in.

Ok. Gotta get ready and such. I'll jump on aim when I get home. Maybe when I'm driving home, we'll see.

Goals 2009: February

2009-02-03T06:29:00.001-05:00

Alright, it's February.

Let's see if I've made any progress...

My 2009 goals.

FULL TIME JOB. *working on it currently*
pay off car *done as soon as I get my taxes next week*
replace timing belt on my car *if I have enough left over once my car's paid off, done this month also*
pay off my unemployment bill
visit Morgan
empty & clean my car. monthly. *missed January. Cleaned a bit, but not totally.*
reread Hobbit/Lord of the Rings
get tan-visit beach at least once a month, april thru october
move out
have 1k in savings by 2010
blog once a week *so far, so good*
spend as much time off the computer as on. if I wow for three hours I need to do something off the computer, not work, not sleep, for three hours. *so far, so good*

A question and an idea.

2009-02-03T02:03:00.001-05:00

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?

True?

Well then listen.

I've just heard of ABC blogging.

Must follow up on this.

How do you feel about topical blogging?

Just found the COOLEST IDEA.

2009-02-01T00:51:00.000-05:00

Oh. My. God.

I said no.

I just realized.

I said no.

He asked me out for coffee.

And I said I didn't like coffee.

And I've been trying to take it back ever since.

I said no.

And he hasn't let me change my mind.

A year and a half of agony because I said no.

Nothing like revelations while lying in bed trying to get SOME sleep before a triple shift.

Piled In

2009-01-30T04:52:00.004-05:00

This art project is KICKING MY ASS.

Grrrrrr.

You ever seen Science of Sleep? Andrew had me borrow it to watch. It's one of the previews on Eternal Sunshine, I do believe.

I did my sisters taxes, and she is getting back 900 frikkin dollars.

I am so jealous.

We had a good night. I guess the rents were fighting ALL DAY (poor Linds & Jeremy) so when I got home from work we piled in her truck and went to Walmart in Starke and then McD's and just chilled for a while. We didn't even buy nothin lol except food at McD's.

Anxious about the whole job thing. I gotta know soon, man. Cause if it ain't gonna work out I need to look! Getting close to the wire, with our time here in this house running out. We talked a lot about moving and life. I feel better about what we all (the three of us) want for the next few years. It was good.

So even Donnie (who is a party hardyer) is getting tired of Swift parties. Too many, not good quality people, too many strangers. Donnie said he saw some girl in town and didn't even know her name but he knows he's seen her tits. HA! sigh. I haven't been hung up on this week. But that's because I'm hung up on something else.

Take it slowly inside, was it?

Butterflies

2009-01-29T07:42:00.002-05:00

I read ANOTHER trashy romance.

I need the literary equivalent of a cold shower. I have to stop reading this books that I try and tie my own life into.

Especially with the influx of all this personal history lately.

My brain....hm.

I did a myspace survey last night, and one of the questions was, "Have you ever had butterflies?"

How am I supposed to answer that? Because the answer is damn well YES.

I don't like being feeling appearing seeming vulnerable. So put that in between your ears and unravel it.

I think I wanna redo my colors...I'mma work on that a bit and maybe come back to this.

2009-01-28T02:47:00.003-05:00

I wrote last night. On paper. LoL.

Well, technically this morning.

It was really nice. I wrote real fast and my handwriting was horrible, but I wrote a whole page front and back. My arm hurt from writing so much! I need to practice more :D. Then I went back and reread all my entries from this notebook (it started right after I got fired from Walmart the first time, so essentially it started when I meant you). I talked about you and Johnny and Joyce a lot. I stopped writing...hmm around last Christmas. So not all the drama lol. Maybe an entry or two after Daniel went in the marines. Oh! He broke up with Hallie last night or the night before. She wrote a pretty intense blog about it.

I'm going to bed soon, so I can wake up earlier. I'm going to John's tomorrow, haven't seen him in ages. Gotta give him another forty bucks for Britney, so then I'll only owe him...70. Nice.

I'm sorry Penny left. I'm not sure what lesson you are learning, but hopefully you find a place all your own soon. Try and be good at work. Pot calling the kettle I'm sure, but you really have gotten a pretty good opportunity, ya know? Just try and be on time every day, not a couple minutes late. I know it doesn't seem like much...but...it reflects, ya know? I don't want you to get fired or anything and you guys to be in the no/low income boat again. You guys deserve to be comfortable and not worried.

OH! In your post, when you said "You like to torture yourself, don't you?" I wrote that to myself like a year ago! When I reread what I wrote I was like hmm, I know myself pretty well!

I'm very...I'm not actually sure how I feel. I'm glad he did add me back, sure. I'm very glad he didn't deny it! lol. That would have just been...ya, on top of ignoring me, then not adding me back, that would have hurt all over again. But I think I'm like...it wouldn't hurt, like, I wouldn't be upset, it would hurt more like a confirmation of things. Does that make sense? He is pretty emo.

His two blogs are very emotional. I always thought it was a joke when David & Kevin said I'd be the guy and he'd be the girl if we dated, but it's true! So true. When I read his blogs and digested them, I was like, what a girl! And then I laughed out loud, and thought to myself, Kevin did tell me!

Ah, did some tentative feeling with Kevin. We're still friends on facebook, and he posted a note (25 facts about me) and one of them was about wasted potential, so I messaged him that part and said "/second". Ah well if he doesn't delete me I'll consider it a victory. Victory? Maybe not. It won't be a dissapointment, at least. I still try with Daniel; I messaged him something small today about all the drama on his page (Charee (Haliees sister) basically was like gg douche bag). Hm. Hrm hrm hrm. Did I tell you what David said the day after I drunk messaged him? He went up to David in gc and was all "Sarah texted me what was up with that?" and david was like "idk" cause he didn't know yet I had done it and luxyvag was all "She was angry!" it was funny when David told me.

My new word this week is smooches.

Going to watch the Science of Sleep soon. Andrew said it's a must. His movie tastes are much more aligned with mine than David & Kevin's were.

Alright then. Have a beautiful day, love.

2009-01-27T01:28:00.001-05:00

when u let go of the things that bother u you then can let the things that make u happy take over...

Oh yes

2009-01-26T05:55:00.002-05:00

This is the sixth new post this weekend.

Make sure you read them all!

This is like my way of text messaging you I think :D

You might want to read them backwards, from the 20 things list. Cause my mental pattern makes more sense that way.

IDK...

2009-01-26T05:54:00.002-05:00

I don't know if I should be telling you this.

Actually I don't know if I should have done it.

He has a myspace now.

I added it.

Wait and see.

What Makes You.. by SheBangs12
Your name?
Your gender?
What makes you sexy?	Your hair
What makes you pretty?	Everything
What makes you loveable?	How dorky you are
What makes you fun?	Everything about you!
What makes you irresistable?	Your individuality
What makes you cute?	How you laugh