Alone Surrounded By Others

So this week has been up down up down up down.

Finally said some things I think I've been holding in for far too long, and of course I didn't get the response I wanted but that's ok, because I got it off my chest and it's GONE.

I don't like being ignored, but you can't make someone do something.

I've had this article open for a few days from Martha Beck. She writes a column in Oprah's magazine and I just adore her. This particular article was about self-defeating habits. Example--you're afraid you're going to lose your job, even though you're a good worker. All of a sudden you start making mistakes. Your brain is subconsciously trying to get you fired so that you no longer have to worry about losing your job. Likewise--I keep waiting for a fight to start, so I'm smothering and butting my head where it doesn't belong. I'm trying to start a fight simply so that I don't have to lie in wait, wondering when it's going to come.

I have far too much drama in my life and I perpetuate ALL of it. So the idea for this month is to step back and evaluate situations before acting. Seems like a normal person thing to do, right?

So work on being normal. Tall order.

Good things, too. Skip came to town and me D David Lee and him all hung out. Good times. It was a welcome distraction on a bad night. I've started trying to get rid of stuff, declutter and clean up my life. It's going slow but it's happening. Which is more than I could ask for.

I'm still feeling lonely but I think it's just where I'm at in my life.

I miss my sister, too.

Alone

I am so lonely. I feel like every fiber of my being is crying out for someone to hold me, to love me, to make me feel like a part of something...

I don't want to be lonely. Alone, sure. But not lonely. I feel separated, detached, unlinked. To everyone and everything. Nothing gives me pleasure. No one no thing.

I want something that does not belong to me. I want it so much...and not even to own. I don't want it to call my own. I want it to know it's there.

Something essential has fallen away. Something vital has gone missing. I wish I knew what it was. I wish I knew where to find it. I want it back.

Give it back.

Goals: June 2009

My 2009 goals.

• FULL TIME JOB. *meh*
  
• pay off car
  
• replace timing belt on my car *not yet*
  
• pay off my unemployment bill *HA!*
  
• visit Morgan
• empty & clean my car. monthly. *still staying clean!*
  
• reread Hobbit/Lord of the Rings *Can't read something someone else is currently reading...*
  
• get tan-visit beach at least once a month, april thru october *have tried to go without fail at least twice a week...but all this friggin rain is putting a huge damper on my plans!*
  
• move out
  
• have 1k in savings by 2010
• blog once a week *meh*
  
• spend as much time off the computer as on. if I wow for three hours I need to do something off the computer, not work, not sleep, for three hours. *.....not gonna talk about it. Better, tho.*
  

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

The Origin of Love

When the earth was still flat,
And the clouds made of fire,
And mountains stretched up to the sky,
Sometimes higher,
Folks roamed the earth
Like big rolling kegs.
They had two sets of arms.
They had two sets of legs.
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read.
And they never knew nothing of love.
It was before the origin of love.

The origin of love

And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back,
Called the children of the sun.
And similar in shape and girth
Were the children of the earth.
They looked like two girls
Rolled up in one.
And the children of the moon
Looked like a fork shoved on a spoon.
They was part sun, part earth,
Part daughter, part son.

The origin of love.

Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said,
"I'm gonna kill them all
With my hammer,
Like I killed the giants."
But the Zeus said, "No,
You better let me
Use my lightning, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales
And dinosaurs into lizards."
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh,
Said, "I'll split them right down the middle.
Gonna cut them right up in half."
And then storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire

And then fire shot down
From the sky in bolts
Like shining blades
Of a knife.
And it ripped
Right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun
And the moon
And the earth.
And some Indian god
Sewed the wound up into a hole,
Pulled it round to our belly
To remind us of the price we pay.
And Osiris and the gods of the Nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane,
To scatter us away,
In a flood of wind and rain,
And a sea of tidal waves,
To wash us all away,
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
And we'll be hopping around on one foot
And looking through one eye.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You was looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart,
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We was making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.
That's the origin of love.