C

Censorship. I feel lately that I have been censoring myself. Of course, I'm well aware of the reason. Someone has come back in my life who I feel particularly vulnerable towards and while there are a million things I can, will, and want to say to this person, it is the reception of those things that worries me. So I edit what I say, I refrain, I hem and haw and debate over something that should be second nature.

Not as if this person would ever read this.

Cookies. Girl Scout cookies just came in! SOOO happy. I got two boxes of tagalongs (the peanut butter filled ones) a box of Samoas (the coconut ones) and a new kind, Dulce de Leche (caramel & shortbread, it looks like). I love me some caramel, that's for shizzle. But I just bought a thing of oreos the night before, not knowing they were in! So I am on cookie overloard, rofl. Of course I already ate a handful of tagalongs. They are my favorite in the whole world. Until I eat them and I realize they're pretty good but not the best, but hey, nostalgia's a bitch.

Can't sleep. After my work week from hell (some triples, some doubles, close to no sleep) my body is all thrown off. I lay down and sleep for a few hours and get up. And yesterday, I slept for ten hours, and woke up more tired than when I went to bed. There has got to be some technique to get my body to feel rested. Maybe I should go for a jog or something today, get my circulation going, and then come home wash up and conk out. Reading keeps me up, music keeps me up, white noise makes me cold or hot, doesn't matter if it's light or dark. Can't sleep.

Content. It's something I've felt all week. Just having certain things in my life again, it is so amazing to me what a difference I feel. Even with all the drama, there is just his deep seated feeling of peace. That's gotta count for something, right?

B

In the list of books below, bold the ones you’ve read, italicize the ones you want to read, cross out the ones you won’t touch with a ten-foot pole, put a cross (+) in front of the ones on your book shelf, and asterisk (*) the ones you’ve never heard of. In the comments, let me know if you're up for it; I'd love to see if y'all have been puttin your book-learnin' to good use.

1. +The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. +Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. +Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. +The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. +The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. +The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. +Anne of Green Gables (L. M. Montgomery)
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. *A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. +Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
12. +Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. +Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. +Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. +Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17.* Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. +Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban(Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. +The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. +The Catcher in the Rye (J. D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. +The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. +The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. +The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. +Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. +The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. +The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. *The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38.* I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. *The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. +The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. +Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. Bible
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. +The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)--the unabridged. beat that. twice as long as the abridged. and twice as good.
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. *She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)--would you believe I've never read ANY dickens?
55. +The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. *The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. +Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview with the Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. *Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. +The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. *The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. *The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
81. *Not Wanted On the Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. *Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. +Emma (Jane Austen)
86. +Watership Down (Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley) --one of my all time faves
88. *The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. *Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. *Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. *In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. +The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S. E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. *A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. *The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100.+Ulysses (James Joyce)--I've got a really really old edition that is falling apart...but this book is HUGE.

You know what?

There is so much beauty in the world.

The smallest thing can bring the greatest joy.

Living with your eyes closed and your heart shut is the greatest sin.

I would rather feel pain than feel nothing at all.

A

Ok. I went to bed about...three, I think? And I woke up about 5, with my head full of loads of ideas to start posting my ABC blogs.

And of course now I don't remember a single one.

Applesauce is probably one of my favorite snacks. When I was younger, we would go out to eat at least once a week. Not like McDonald's out to eat (which back then was still a treat, once a week or with the grandparents or on long car trips), but I'm talking Red Lobster/Olive Garden/Chili's out to eat. Driving half an hour to Gainesville and dressing in something nicer than play clothes. Every time we went to Red Lobster, I always got applesauce as my side. Fries ok? NO I want appleasauce yo! I didn't eat it for a long time, but I've started again. I get these huge jars, just of the Walmart brand, and eat a small bowlful when I wake up or I'm craving it. So delicious. And the funny thing? I absolutely hate apples.

I've been having these really abnormal dreams lately, of alternate realities, or bringing new and old situations together. For instance, my dream last night, I lived in the first trailer we lived in upon moving to Keystone, and in the trailer next door lived smooshie. We didn't like each other (big surprise there!) but I left my biked parked under this tree right by the fence, and everyone in the neighborhood kept their cell phones on this thing on my handlebars. I guess a cd visor case for cell phones...for my bike. Anyway, I used to be really good friends with the neighbors so I know the layout of the house exactly. So one day, when they neighbors are doing w/e, I ride my bike off into the woods way far down the road so no one can find me, and I start going through her phone looking at her picutres (which was hard, it was some weird phone that doesn't exist and incredibly difficult to access), making sure there were none of l.a., and I found all these pics of her and tons of other girls lifting their tops and exposing themselves. Like in my dream she's this deranged pervert who hates me and I hate her but I hold her cell phone for her. ???? There are of course more details not worth mentioning, like famous people and nice houses in the neighborhood, but it basically ends by me riding around the neighborhood, giving everyone their phones and telling them I'm not holding onto them anymore, and I just walk in her house and give her back her phone and walk out. Weird.

Action is something missing from my life. I am so stagnant and ... boring. I don't go out, I come home sit on the pc or read and go to bed and start all over. I need to bring more events into my life, without bringing drama. Of course, I've got Britney Spears next month, as well as going to see Watchmen and my birthday. Goodness gracious I'm glad certain events have happened in time for my birthday. Back to action. What can I do to invigorate my life a bit? With minimal cost? I could definitely start walking the dog. The trail behind my house is so nice. Warmer weather is here sporadically, I could def start going to the beach when it is warm. It's not like that's difficult; I can just bring my work clothes, go to the beach around 11 or 12 or even later, spend a few hours and come back in time for work. Since it would be on my way home. Movies. There are so many movies that came out that I wanted to see but haven't yet! Andrew is a great movie buddy; and on the weekdays (which are the days I can see movies) they are only five bucks, all day. So what gas I'd need to drive to Andrew's house, about four bucks, plus movies. Ten bucks to get out of this hellhole and have some fun and just escape for a bit.

This last one...I'm not sure how to tie it to an A word. Atrocious. Appalling.

Yes, those will do. Now, to caution, my room does look slightly different, as these were taken probably a month ago. But still the same general idea.






And this is what I've looked like every day for the last six months; I think it's rather Avant garde:

Desire

There seemed always something new to invent between us...

—Stuart Dybek

It sucks so much to see someone hurting and all you want to do is make them better. No matter what it took I would do it.

I have been having these crazy alternate reality dreams lately. Like, last night I dreamt about Walmart but it was designed different and sold different products and my office was set up and run completely differently and I was totally terrified of being fired. And then at the end yogurt texts me and tells me I'm his sunny sheepdog. WTF.

All anyone wants is someone to share with. The good, the bad, the new, the old. Experiences, feelings, laughter, tears. It can't be just me.

I feel this radical shift coming in me. I'm not sure what it will be or where it will lead but it's coming. I can't explain how I know other than that I do. You should know. I've been wanting things I've never really wanted before. To do things and have things and want things that are so against what I've always thought I wanted.

Totally rockin the 80's music this week.

Already signed into Aim waiting on you. I hope you go to work today. Yea, I remember you'll be late. Started another book. James Rollins, I read a handful of his books last year, very scientific mystery thrillers. I really enjoy his writing style. I ordered five more, nearly finished with one already. So in my main book group, we started our reading goal with the last week of December. So far I've read 25 books, this one will make 26.

Wow.

I'm thinking I'll get my hair cut soon. Trimmed, some slight layers, and bangs....I was thinking to maybe the bridge of my nose, a lil longer, so they can be all side sweepy and scene. Cause I'm not emo. LOL!

I love you.

Opposite Day?

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday. --Noelle, age 7.

From a forward.

So I'm thinking the principal applies the same when you make fun of a guy for his shirt and he never wears it again. Eh?

Portugal. The Man.

I don't know what is up but every other page of last months AP mentions Portugal. The Man. They are like huge and influential without even being known.

The Thriving Ivory show was AWESOME. The warm up acts were Company of Thieves and Barcelona. Not super impressed with Barcelona. But Company of Thieves was. Awesome. You should definitely check them out.

I tried to view your playlist, but it wouldn't let me! Said the sn you gave me wasn't a valid playlist.

And you still need to send me your address! I bought you something today and it's sorta've imperative that you get is sooner rather than later!

I opened my pc cause the power source fan was rattling, and cleaned it all out, and it's running much better now. I'm glad. It was acting funky when I was playing Wow.

Alright then. Talk to you soon.

Can't sleep through the night

Right then. I went to bed at 2:15.

And was up at 4:45.

Why can't I sleep through the night, again?

Every night I've been sleeping for two & a half hours. And getting up. No matter how desperately tired I've been or how much I know I need to be rested for the coming day.

Of course, yesterday, I lay down for a nap oh about ten (whenever I stopped talking, lol!) and stayed there til 4. So I am sleeping.

Just not when I'd like to.

Wish me luck this morning. I really hope I'm able to get a schedule that works with Walmart again. Stressing about that.

Gotta impress someone today. Gonna somewhat straighten my hair then throw it up & wear a pink sweater & black slacks. Cause the pink shirt I wanna wear is nowhere to be found.

I don't fit into any of my clothes anymore. Need to lose weight or buy new clothes.

Let's go to the scale...

3 lbs or thereabouts.

Eh. I am a fatty fattykins. My arms are realllllly gross and flabby and...gross.

Next subject...ehhh...

Ah yes. Once I have money I'm going to get my eyebrows waxed, and buy some new shoes, and take my sister out to Sushi Rock (good Japanese steakhouse across from the Orange Park mall). And you know. Pay rent. So we have a place to live and all. Oh I'm glad I talked about money I ran outta checks and need to put a new set in my car. Glad I remembered, so when I go pay the electric bill I actually have a way to pay!

Started a book called House of Leaves. One of my book group girls sent it to me; I've yet to find a good review of it, except that it is critically acclaimed. The guy who wrote it is basically like, hey look I know how to use all these literary devices that make a great book...kinda've an in your face I'm a better writer than you understand, sort of way. Know what I mean? I'm just barely into it, but I think it's going to scare the crap outta me (it is a scary story at it's core). It's going to be about a house that is bigger inside than it is on the outside. Pretty hard to describe any more. Good, though, so far. I'm about 35 pages in.

Ok. Gotta get ready and such. I'll jump on aim when I get home. Maybe when I'm driving home, we'll see.

Goals 2009: February

Alright, it's February.

Let's see if I've made any progress...

My 2009 goals.

• FULL TIME JOB. *working on it currently*
  
• pay off car *done as soon as I get my taxes next week*
  
• replace timing belt on my car *if I have enough left over once my car's paid off, done this month also*
  
• pay off my unemployment bill
• visit Morgan
• empty & clean my car. monthly. *missed January. Cleaned a bit, but not totally.*
  
• reread Hobbit/Lord of the Rings
• get tan-visit beach at least once a month, april thru october
• move out
• have 1k in savings by 2010
• blog once a week *so far, so good*
  
• spend as much time off the computer as on. if I wow for three hours I need to do something off the computer, not work, not sleep, for three hours. *so far, so good*
  

A question and an idea.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?

True?

Well then listen.

I've just heard of ABC blogging.

Must follow up on this.

How do you feel about topical blogging?

Just found the COOLEST IDEA.

Oh. My. God.

I said no.

I just realized.

I said no.

He asked me out for coffee.

And I said I didn't like coffee.

And I've been trying to take it back ever since.

I said no.

And he hasn't let me change my mind.

A year and a half of agony because I said no.

Nothing like revelations while lying in bed trying to get SOME sleep before a triple shift.