She said, ‘Now give me flesh to eat,
Flesh of the cherry, dark and sweet.
Bring me a singing bird—the pale
Moonlight, the attending nightingale.
'A languishing poet too?’ I said,
Kneeling beside our tumbled bed,
‘a poet wan, whose young desire
Renews just verses with its fire?’
‘Bad dearest, must you tease and tease?
Leave him to rhyming, if you please.’
She smiled. ‘Come, give me flesh to eat,
Flesh of the cherry, dark and sweet.’
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Hm
Good point EJ.
Good point.
We're not friends. We are lovers. Friends don't do what we do.
It's all about perspective. Every time I get bent out of shape it's because I am so far in my own perspective, so far in my own head, I'm not seeing the whole picture. I'm not seeing half the picture. It's like looking through a camera lens and not looking at the whole world.
I decided I want to get a bad ass old muscle car convertible and drive through the Nevada desert. I fucking LOVE driving around with the top down and letting my hair go crazy.
I love my hair now, too. It's beautiful. I can do anything with it, or absolutely nothing, and it's beautiful.
I really really really feel like I'm finally coming into my own. I do what I want, I am not stressing about things. I think I'm growing up XD.
I need a fridgin haircut. My hair is super long. But I like it, so maybe just a trim up. I get my bonus the second week of june so hopefully it's more than 20 bucks this quarter so I can get a hurrcut. And hopefully my eyebrows waxed.
My ipod is acting crazy and it's making me sad. I'm hoping I can restore it and it fixes itself. I should do that now, actually...brb.
Ok waiting for it to hook up. Lots of things going on in my life. All of them good. As long as I keep them good. It's all in my attitude.
Good point.
We're not friends. We are lovers. Friends don't do what we do.
It's all about perspective. Every time I get bent out of shape it's because I am so far in my own perspective, so far in my own head, I'm not seeing the whole picture. I'm not seeing half the picture. It's like looking through a camera lens and not looking at the whole world.
I decided I want to get a bad ass old muscle car convertible and drive through the Nevada desert. I fucking LOVE driving around with the top down and letting my hair go crazy.
I love my hair now, too. It's beautiful. I can do anything with it, or absolutely nothing, and it's beautiful.
I really really really feel like I'm finally coming into my own. I do what I want, I am not stressing about things. I think I'm growing up XD.
I need a fridgin haircut. My hair is super long. But I like it, so maybe just a trim up. I get my bonus the second week of june so hopefully it's more than 20 bucks this quarter so I can get a hurrcut. And hopefully my eyebrows waxed.
My ipod is acting crazy and it's making me sad. I'm hoping I can restore it and it fixes itself. I should do that now, actually...brb.
Ok waiting for it to hook up. Lots of things going on in my life. All of them good. As long as I keep them good. It's all in my attitude.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Status Quo
Ok.
The problem I always have is myself. I get too far in my head, overthink, over analyze, and make situations more important than they really are.
Solution?
Step back. Immerse myself in something else. Let time pass. Readjust my thinking. REALIZE, please, that it's not as important as you think it is.
Something that totally kills my knickers is the fact that if I don't like a guy, I can play him like a fine fiddle, right into doing what I want--putty in my hands. But if I do like the guy, I become a helpless sap, unable to get them to do anything I want. There's probably some deep seated psychological variant I'm missing, but until I figure that part out I need to do what I do right, to the right person/s. I'm not getting where I want to go with my current mode of action, so I need to change it. Step up my game, analyze the right things, instead of the things I have no control over. Think before I act. When in doubt, don't.
Alright then a few things I need to work on...myspace less. Seriously, as addictive as it is, it also tends to let one become creepy obsessive without any transition to the obsessive. It's just automatic. DON'T look at that! You know what I'm talking about. Don't look at it. The less information you know, the better, at least until you have a better grasp on your own head and your feelings. Once you are in control, then you can lay down the knowledge. Remember what happened before. Remember. Don't do it again. Insane--doing the same thing and expecting different results. You're starting it all over and expecting different results. Just because there is a precedence, and a deeper intimacy, does NOT mean that you can repeat. It's not wash rinse repeat. It's wash rinse...get the fuck outta the shower.
Do something DIFFERENT. Try it. Just try it.
Lex and Terry are right and you know it--you so know it. You HAVE to play the I Don't Care Card. It's the only way to win. Showing need pushes people away. Hold that mother freakin card and throw it down every time. Every time throw it down. It's automatic win. And you'll know when to hold the card. You'll know when to hold it if you are listening to your head AND your heart. Not just your vagina.
Ok. The plan for this week/end is to be as lax as possible. Do not pursue anyone at all. Just chill. Relax. Focus your head. Go for a run. Do some yardwork. Read. Clean. Get the rest of my stuff. Focus on me. My health. My happiness. And for god sakes girl keep putting on lotion cause your legs feel amazing.
The problem I always have is myself. I get too far in my head, overthink, over analyze, and make situations more important than they really are.
Solution?
Step back. Immerse myself in something else. Let time pass. Readjust my thinking. REALIZE, please, that it's not as important as you think it is.
Something that totally kills my knickers is the fact that if I don't like a guy, I can play him like a fine fiddle, right into doing what I want--putty in my hands. But if I do like the guy, I become a helpless sap, unable to get them to do anything I want. There's probably some deep seated psychological variant I'm missing, but until I figure that part out I need to do what I do right, to the right person/s. I'm not getting where I want to go with my current mode of action, so I need to change it. Step up my game, analyze the right things, instead of the things I have no control over. Think before I act. When in doubt, don't.
Alright then a few things I need to work on...myspace less. Seriously, as addictive as it is, it also tends to let one become creepy obsessive without any transition to the obsessive. It's just automatic. DON'T look at that! You know what I'm talking about. Don't look at it. The less information you know, the better, at least until you have a better grasp on your own head and your feelings. Once you are in control, then you can lay down the knowledge. Remember what happened before. Remember. Don't do it again. Insane--doing the same thing and expecting different results. You're starting it all over and expecting different results. Just because there is a precedence, and a deeper intimacy, does NOT mean that you can repeat. It's not wash rinse repeat. It's wash rinse...get the fuck outta the shower.
Do something DIFFERENT. Try it. Just try it.
Lex and Terry are right and you know it--you so know it. You HAVE to play the I Don't Care Card. It's the only way to win. Showing need pushes people away. Hold that mother freakin card and throw it down every time. Every time throw it down. It's automatic win. And you'll know when to hold the card. You'll know when to hold it if you are listening to your head AND your heart. Not just your vagina.
Ok. The plan for this week/end is to be as lax as possible. Do not pursue anyone at all. Just chill. Relax. Focus your head. Go for a run. Do some yardwork. Read. Clean. Get the rest of my stuff. Focus on me. My health. My happiness. And for god sakes girl keep putting on lotion cause your legs feel amazing.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I want to write I want to write I want to write I want to write
But I don't have anything to say.
Go figure. Me, verbose, chatty cathy, never shuts up me doesn't have anything to write about.
Chalk it up to being tired.
Going to the beach in the morning! Second time this year. I think I'm starting late in the season, boo hoo, but living in Florida means the beach is open year round! Tan tan tan. Hm I lost five pounds during my drinking binge last week but I started eating again and put two back on. Still wanna lose five by the 23 (which is our next party). Why five? It's not noticeable. No, but five this month, and five next month, and five the next month...and you're sure as shit that's noticeable. So there. On top of the five minus two I lost last week. We'll just tell me it's water weight. Plus that was an at night weigh. Mmhmm that's what we'll tell me.
Leaving the dishes. I've done like all the dishes, made all the ice, vacuumed, mopped...I'm the one keepin this mother freakin house clean. But actually in my head it's ok, because I want it to stay clean clean while others seem to be comfortable in a mildly less than spotless state. Not my fault they don't live up to my expectations. They are MY expectations. And hey, while we're at it, bedrooms are off limits. You can be the cleanest most organized person in the world, but your bedroom is allowed to be messy. Not a war zone or a pig sty or a nuclear blast site. But messy. As long as it stays confined to the bedroom.
I got an entire bag full of books to donate here, and I think another bag's worth at the old house. Purging my stuff, slowly but surely. My next goal is to unpack these three boxes in the middle of my room, purge, put away. Then I'm going to start working on this towering stack of magazines I've been collecting for two years. Recycling all those, so they may sit for a bit until I can find a place to recycle newspaper.
Clothes. That's what is going to kick my ass is getting rid of clothes. I always hope I'll lose weight so I'm afraid to get rid of anything that doesn't fit. Especially since I haven't ever worn a lot of it. Hello tags still on clothes.
My back hurts! I just spent half an hour cleaning the ceiling fan in the living room. It was NASTY. Gonna do mine next, not as nasty but still slightly daunting. My goal is to learn to get in a groove of keeping things clean and not allowing the overwhelming mess that my room used to turn into. Of course, having a larger room is a factor, as is no longer being in my parents home. Entitlement changes a person.
Watched Dracula 2000, II, & III. All really good movies with really bad acting. But Jeremy *Jason?* London is HOT. Well they both are, whichever.
How many movies have I missed because I was *otherwise* occupied? LOL. A lot. Damn waste of time & electricity. But damn worth it.
Really want to read something but not sure what. Picked up a couple different things but wasn't caught on the first page so I put them back down. Ordered my Amazon stuff; no new books after this. SOOO many books & movies I already own & need to read/watch.
Ok I think I'm finally tired so off to bed I go. I need to find my sunscreen before we leave. I know I said I didn't have anything to say...and really I didn't. Mostly telling you what's going on. No insight.
We don't need to have insight every day. Been reading a lot of horoscopy stuff that I've found through the blog of one of my fave modern authors. Good stuff. Found some really neat stuff about Druidic zodiac; I emailed you the link.
Peace.
But I don't have anything to say.
Go figure. Me, verbose, chatty cathy, never shuts up me doesn't have anything to write about.
Chalk it up to being tired.
Going to the beach in the morning! Second time this year. I think I'm starting late in the season, boo hoo, but living in Florida means the beach is open year round! Tan tan tan. Hm I lost five pounds during my drinking binge last week but I started eating again and put two back on. Still wanna lose five by the 23 (which is our next party). Why five? It's not noticeable. No, but five this month, and five next month, and five the next month...and you're sure as shit that's noticeable. So there. On top of the five minus two I lost last week. We'll just tell me it's water weight. Plus that was an at night weigh. Mmhmm that's what we'll tell me.
Leaving the dishes. I've done like all the dishes, made all the ice, vacuumed, mopped...I'm the one keepin this mother freakin house clean. But actually in my head it's ok, because I want it to stay clean clean while others seem to be comfortable in a mildly less than spotless state. Not my fault they don't live up to my expectations. They are MY expectations. And hey, while we're at it, bedrooms are off limits. You can be the cleanest most organized person in the world, but your bedroom is allowed to be messy. Not a war zone or a pig sty or a nuclear blast site. But messy. As long as it stays confined to the bedroom.
I got an entire bag full of books to donate here, and I think another bag's worth at the old house. Purging my stuff, slowly but surely. My next goal is to unpack these three boxes in the middle of my room, purge, put away. Then I'm going to start working on this towering stack of magazines I've been collecting for two years. Recycling all those, so they may sit for a bit until I can find a place to recycle newspaper.
Clothes. That's what is going to kick my ass is getting rid of clothes. I always hope I'll lose weight so I'm afraid to get rid of anything that doesn't fit. Especially since I haven't ever worn a lot of it. Hello tags still on clothes.
My back hurts! I just spent half an hour cleaning the ceiling fan in the living room. It was NASTY. Gonna do mine next, not as nasty but still slightly daunting. My goal is to learn to get in a groove of keeping things clean and not allowing the overwhelming mess that my room used to turn into. Of course, having a larger room is a factor, as is no longer being in my parents home. Entitlement changes a person.
Watched Dracula 2000, II, & III. All really good movies with really bad acting. But Jeremy *Jason?* London is HOT. Well they both are, whichever.
How many movies have I missed because I was *otherwise* occupied? LOL. A lot. Damn waste of time & electricity. But damn worth it.
Really want to read something but not sure what. Picked up a couple different things but wasn't caught on the first page so I put them back down. Ordered my Amazon stuff; no new books after this. SOOO many books & movies I already own & need to read/watch.
Ok I think I'm finally tired so off to bed I go. I need to find my sunscreen before we leave. I know I said I didn't have anything to say...and really I didn't. Mostly telling you what's going on. No insight.
We don't need to have insight every day. Been reading a lot of horoscopy stuff that I've found through the blog of one of my fave modern authors. Good stuff. Found some really neat stuff about Druidic zodiac; I emailed you the link.
Peace.
Monday, May 11, 2009
So I have a problem.
Linda says I have the glow.
The in love glow.
Oi.
Confusion is really the only way to describe what I'm really feeling right now.
I enjoy him. The passion thing rings true. I couldn't be with anyone who was less than passionate about life. About music, especially.
But not being able to devote himself to me...at least some significant part...I haven't thought really how it makes me feel.
I mean. Who does that? While she's in the room, no less?
I'm trying not to actually think about it. I'm thinking about peripherals, sure, but the actual act of it, the thought process, the ramifications...not so much. Which is true Kuck style. Think about everything around the situation but not the situation. Avoidance. Fuck I'm just like her.
I think it is just physical. I'm fairly certain at this point. Not that it couldn't develop into more, and not that there's not a non physical basis, but the yum is the physical.
Ah. One of my favorite quotes is from one of my favorite movies, Captain Corelli's Mandolin. Penelope Cruz' characters father says, "When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!"
And that IS what love is.
Bah. Who's talking about love. I feel good. Why is that a bad thing? When I've denied myself for so long.
I think I need some time to myself. I loved last night, coming home and SLEEPING. Not drinking, not hanging out, sleeping. David Lee is here now but that doesn't feel like it counts. No plans tomorrow, either. Other than working out. Tuesday is plans. Wednesday, nothing.
I think I'm going to read a book. I was going to pick up LotR but David Swift is reading that now...and over analyzer I am I don't want anyone to think I'm doing it because he's doing it. But of course I'm the only person who would think that. Bleh.
Still need to get out of my own head. This wasn't eloquent or thought out just me rambling.
Linda says I have the glow.
The in love glow.
Oi.
Confusion is really the only way to describe what I'm really feeling right now.
I enjoy him. The passion thing rings true. I couldn't be with anyone who was less than passionate about life. About music, especially.
But not being able to devote himself to me...at least some significant part...I haven't thought really how it makes me feel.
I mean. Who does that? While she's in the room, no less?
I'm trying not to actually think about it. I'm thinking about peripherals, sure, but the actual act of it, the thought process, the ramifications...not so much. Which is true Kuck style. Think about everything around the situation but not the situation. Avoidance. Fuck I'm just like her.
I think it is just physical. I'm fairly certain at this point. Not that it couldn't develop into more, and not that there's not a non physical basis, but the yum is the physical.
Ah. One of my favorite quotes is from one of my favorite movies, Captain Corelli's Mandolin. Penelope Cruz' characters father says, "When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!"
And that IS what love is.
Bah. Who's talking about love. I feel good. Why is that a bad thing? When I've denied myself for so long.
I think I need some time to myself. I loved last night, coming home and SLEEPING. Not drinking, not hanging out, sleeping. David Lee is here now but that doesn't feel like it counts. No plans tomorrow, either. Other than working out. Tuesday is plans. Wednesday, nothing.
I think I'm going to read a book. I was going to pick up LotR but David Swift is reading that now...and over analyzer I am I don't want anyone to think I'm doing it because he's doing it. But of course I'm the only person who would think that. Bleh.
Still need to get out of my own head. This wasn't eloquent or thought out just me rambling.
Monday, May 04, 2009
Metallica? Seriously?
I am totally simply and completely addicted to Metallica.
This leads me to believe I have turned into a douche bag.
Le sigh.
I wish I could say the reason for this was entirely my own, but of course we know it isn't. Which begs the question is anything truly completely your own idea? Anything you become interested in is because you hear about it or read about it or see someone you enjoy enjoying it.
And the latter would be my case.
I just tooled around on Amazon for an hour and a half trying to find something for 6.06 or as little over as possible so that I can get both free shipping and use my ten dollar gift card but not spend more than 15ish dollars myself. So I'm spending roughly 17 bucks and getting two books, one which I've been desperately waiting to purchase, and a movie. Memento. Seen parts of it, never cohesively. And free shipping. Not too bad.
In my head way too much.
Too much entirely.
I'm in a place in my head I don't like, where I'm constantly obsessed with a few people. Checking myspace/facebook/messenger every five minutes to see if they're online if I got anything new if anything has changed.
Pathetic.
I need another hobby. One that doesn't require the internet. Or requires more concentration and has less down time.
My cat's finally starting to adjust to the new house. Been walking outside of my room, drinking, eating, acting devilish. I'm glad; he had me worried for a few days there. So much less maintenance than a dog. I've been taking care of Sherry's dog this weekend and omg too much work.
Glad I'm not having kids. I'm a pretty selfish bitch.
Complete win. The Stations of the Cross....in pixelvision.
Honestly, reading strangers blogs is one of the most relaxing nicest things I can think of to do. Especially when that stranger is superbly creative or witty. I'm looking at you, deanna raybourn, my so called life, wisecraft and loveheylola.
Want to stifle your creativity? Go eat some cheetos and watch SpongeBob. That actually sounds like heaven, all things considered. Throw some Diet Dr Pepper in there and I may never leave my house again.
Wow. Poor Girl Eats Well. Eating DELICIOUS amazing food on a budget. I love this girl. I totally want to go cook now. Something. Pasta with asparagus. YUM. Tomorrow for dinner!
"Nothing goes so well with a hot fire and buttered crumpets as a wet day without and a good dose of comfortable horrors within." Dorothy Sayers
I do believe Christopher Robin had it right: You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
Yep. I'm feeling pretty good right now.
This leads me to believe I have turned into a douche bag.
Le sigh.
I wish I could say the reason for this was entirely my own, but of course we know it isn't. Which begs the question is anything truly completely your own idea? Anything you become interested in is because you hear about it or read about it or see someone you enjoy enjoying it.
And the latter would be my case.
I just tooled around on Amazon for an hour and a half trying to find something for 6.06 or as little over as possible so that I can get both free shipping and use my ten dollar gift card but not spend more than 15ish dollars myself. So I'm spending roughly 17 bucks and getting two books, one which I've been desperately waiting to purchase, and a movie. Memento. Seen parts of it, never cohesively. And free shipping. Not too bad.
In my head way too much.
Too much entirely.
I'm in a place in my head I don't like, where I'm constantly obsessed with a few people. Checking myspace/facebook/messenger every five minutes to see if they're online if I got anything new if anything has changed.
Pathetic.
I need another hobby. One that doesn't require the internet. Or requires more concentration and has less down time.
My cat's finally starting to adjust to the new house. Been walking outside of my room, drinking, eating, acting devilish. I'm glad; he had me worried for a few days there. So much less maintenance than a dog. I've been taking care of Sherry's dog this weekend and omg too much work.
Glad I'm not having kids. I'm a pretty selfish bitch.
Complete win. The Stations of the Cross....in pixelvision.
Honestly, reading strangers blogs is one of the most relaxing nicest things I can think of to do. Especially when that stranger is superbly creative or witty. I'm looking at you, deanna raybourn, my so called life, wisecraft and loveheylola.
Want to stifle your creativity? Go eat some cheetos and watch SpongeBob. That actually sounds like heaven, all things considered. Throw some Diet Dr Pepper in there and I may never leave my house again.
Wow. Poor Girl Eats Well. Eating DELICIOUS amazing food on a budget. I love this girl. I totally want to go cook now. Something. Pasta with asparagus. YUM. Tomorrow for dinner!
"Nothing goes so well with a hot fire and buttered crumpets as a wet day without and a good dose of comfortable horrors within." Dorothy Sayers
I do believe Christopher Robin had it right: You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
Yep. I'm feeling pretty good right now.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Goals 2009: May
So. It's been a while, I know. It's been a very long, very strange, VERY unexpected while.
My 2009 goals.
My 2009 goals.
- FULL TIME JOB. *I like only working 4 hours a day actually*
pay off car- replace timing belt on my car *not yet*
- pay off my unemployment bill *HA!*
- visit Morgan
- empty & clean my car. monthly. *it's staying pretty clean. I even cleaned out most of the trunk last week*
- reread
Hobbit /Lord of the Rings *Just LotR now...haven't felt like reading though.* - get tan-visit beach at least once a month, april thru october *went in april.*
move outThat's the unexpected one. - have 1k in savings by 2010
- blog once a week *failing horribly*
- spend as much time off the computer as on. if I wow for three hours I need to do something off the computer, not work, not sleep, for three hours. *actually doing pretty good on this one considering I'm moving and live with people I actually like*
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