Piled In

This art project is KICKING MY ASS.

Grrrrrr.

You ever seen Science of Sleep? Andrew had me borrow it to watch. It's one of the previews on Eternal Sunshine, I do believe.

I did my sisters taxes, and she is getting back 900 frikkin dollars.

I am so jealous.

We had a good night. I guess the rents were fighting ALL DAY (poor Linds & Jeremy) so when I got home from work we piled in her truck and went to Walmart in Starke and then McD's and just chilled for a while. We didn't even buy nothin lol except food at McD's.

Anxious about the whole job thing. I gotta know soon, man. Cause if it ain't gonna work out I need to look! Getting close to the wire, with our time here in this house running out. We talked a lot about moving and life. I feel better about what we all (the three of us) want for the next few years. It was good.

So even Donnie (who is a party hardyer) is getting tired of Swift parties. Too many, not good quality people, too many strangers. Donnie said he saw some girl in town and didn't even know her name but he knows he's seen her tits. HA! sigh. I haven't been hung up on this week. But that's because I'm hung up on something else.

Take it slowly inside, was it?

Butterflies

I read ANOTHER trashy romance.

I need the literary equivalent of a cold shower. I have to stop reading this books that I try and tie my own life into.

Especially with the influx of all this personal history lately.

My brain....hm.

I did a myspace survey last night, and one of the questions was, "Have you ever had butterflies?"

How am I supposed to answer that? Because the answer is damn well YES.

I don't like being feeling appearing seeming vulnerable. So put that in between your ears and unravel it.

I think I wanna redo my colors...I'mma work on that a bit and maybe come back to this.

I wrote last night. On paper. LoL.

Well, technically this morning.

It was really nice. I wrote real fast and my handwriting was horrible, but I wrote a whole page front and back. My arm hurt from writing so much! I need to practice more :D. Then I went back and reread all my entries from this notebook (it started right after I got fired from Walmart the first time, so essentially it started when I meant you). I talked about you and Johnny and Joyce a lot. I stopped writing...hmm around last Christmas. So not all the drama lol. Maybe an entry or two after Daniel went in the marines. Oh! He broke up with Hallie last night or the night before. She wrote a pretty intense blog about it.

I'm going to bed soon, so I can wake up earlier. I'm going to John's tomorrow, haven't seen him in ages. Gotta give him another forty bucks for Britney, so then I'll only owe him...70. Nice.

I'm sorry Penny left. I'm not sure what lesson you are learning, but hopefully you find a place all your own soon. Try and be good at work. Pot calling the kettle I'm sure, but you really have gotten a pretty good opportunity, ya know? Just try and be on time every day, not a couple minutes late. I know it doesn't seem like much...but...it reflects, ya know? I don't want you to get fired or anything and you guys to be in the no/low income boat again. You guys deserve to be comfortable and not worried.

OH! In your post, when you said "You like to torture yourself, don't you?" I wrote that to myself like a year ago! When I reread what I wrote I was like hmm, I know myself pretty well!

I'm very...I'm not actually sure how I feel. I'm glad he did add me back, sure. I'm very glad he didn't deny it! lol. That would have just been...ya, on top of ignoring me, then not adding me back, that would have hurt all over again. But I think I'm like...it wouldn't hurt, like, I wouldn't be upset, it would hurt more like a confirmation of things. Does that make sense? He is pretty emo.

His two blogs are very emotional. I always thought it was a joke when David & Kevin said I'd be the guy and he'd be the girl if we dated, but it's true! So true. When I read his blogs and digested them, I was like, what a girl! And then I laughed out loud, and thought to myself, Kevin did tell me!

Ah, did some tentative feeling with Kevin. We're still friends on facebook, and he posted a note (25 facts about me) and one of them was about wasted potential, so I messaged him that part and said "/second". Ah well if he doesn't delete me I'll consider it a victory. Victory? Maybe not. It won't be a dissapointment, at least. I still try with Daniel; I messaged him something small today about all the drama on his page (Charee (Haliees sister) basically was like gg douche bag). Hm. Hrm hrm hrm. Did I tell you what David said the day after I drunk messaged him? He went up to David in gc and was all "Sarah texted me what was up with that?" and david was like "idk" cause he didn't know yet I had done it and luxyvag was all "She was angry!" it was funny when David told me.

My new word this week is smooches.

Going to watch the Science of Sleep soon. Andrew said it's a must. His movie tastes are much more aligned with mine than David & Kevin's were.

Alright then. Have a beautiful day, love.

when u let go of the things that bother u you then can let the things that make u happy take over...

What Makes You.. by SheBangs12
Your name?
Your gender?	MaleFemaleOther
What makes you sexy?	Your hair
What makes you pretty?	Everything
What makes you loveable?	How dorky you are
What makes you fun?	Everything about you!
What makes you irresistable?	Your individuality
What makes you cute?	How you laugh

Oh yes

This is the sixth new post this weekend.

Make sure you read them all!

This is like my way of text messaging you I think :D

You might want to read them backwards, from the 20 things list. Cause my mental pattern makes more sense that way.

IDK...

I don't know if I should be telling you this.

Actually I don't know if I should have done it.

He has a myspace now.

I added it.

Wait and see.

Please...someone...stop me.

This is from a blog in November 2007:

Here's what I'm thinking. I love me right now. I love my life, where I'm at, what I'm doing.

And you.

You didn't ask me to wait.

I would have.

But you didn't ask.

So now I'm feeling other things out.

So don't look at me like that when I'm with him.

And don't come around just to make it harder.

But I do want you to come around.

I love everything right now. I love my new friends, how I can just pick up and show up at their house and stay up doing whatever all night and then fall asleep and feel safe.

Love. My heart is full of love.

********************************************

Cue the tears.

YOU!

How did you know I LOVE anberlin?

Maybe the huge poster on my wall? Idk.

Christian, the guy with black spiky hair & a big nose & lots of tattoos on guitar, was in one of my other favorite bands, the now defunct Acceptance. They have kinda the same sound. He's from Seattle, and his tattoos are amazing. I've seen him live three times, Anberlin 2x. They are really good. There's some pics on my myspace in the Warped album.

Party Pictures

Why. Why why why. It's like I want to be in pain. So now I need to figure out why I think I don't deserve to be happy or move on.

Just myspaced stalked EVERYONE involved with either of the last two parties at Swift's. And you know what? I'm the only one that's unhappy, and the only one that hasn't moved on. Sissy looks a whole fuck lot better than she ever has, and I'm glad for that.

Hmm what to do what to do to move on....

Last night was horrendous. I was up and down and up and down...and I'm totally lashing out at everyone close to me. Ya, I went against your advice....guess what, guess who I'm not talking to now? Regan. She doesn't understand why my feelings are hurt. She said "whatever" when I asked what was up with that.

Fuck me.

Edit: quote for the day:

Don't wait for extraordinary opportunities. Seize common occasions and make them great.

—Orison Swett Marden

Dream weaver

First of all I need your address again. Please email it to me.

Ah so Daniel uploaded his pics from the New Year's Party. Guess who was there. Joyce. And this is the second party in as many months I've known he's gone to. Ok, so he's hanging out. That's good, right? Well, not when the first picture you see he has a bag that may or may not have beer in it (hey, it could be a case of Red Bull. He likes energy drinks, right?). And that six or so subsequent pictures are of him holding the beer bong for everyone.

Hm.

I know. I'm not anyone's mother. Maybe my "maternal instinct" is partly wanting to be in control and to control. But still. I just feel like that is the total opposite of everything he told me he was. Like...he's enabling them. And he was very against enabling.

And his aim status' are all these emo lonely things from Bright Eyes the last week or so.

It just hurts. Not in like a hurts me kinda way, but more of a...please don't let him have fallen off or lost himself because he's very important way.

Thought about Luxyvag for a bit after that too. I think really why I'm still hung up on the whole thing is because I feel like I'm missing out on something. I had fun with them, I was interested in them, they talked to me, we bonded (me david & kevin). And with the people I hang out with now, it's more like, ok we are going to sit around and watch tv or play board games, but not interact or talk about real things. And of course, David and Kevin are of a higher caliber mentally, but still. The people I hang out with now, they know I'm smarter than them; there is a joke that I have to leave my brain outside when I go over. I'd rather feel dumb than smarter than everyone, if I had to choose. At least with K & D I knew I was in like minded company. So I wonder subconciously what they are doing, what they are talking about, if they are having fun...because I'm not. And I feel so boring now. Honestly. I have WoW. That's nice. But other than that...I don't have much stimulation. Actually, I have close to no stimulation from outside sources. Books, wow...that's all me stimulating my own mind. I don't have anyone really challenging me.

At least I'm starting to figure things out, and not just plod along unhappily. It sure is taking a long time though.

I just. I think about how when I like someone or I'm close to someone, I don't know how I'll ever let go. And I don't let go, really, until someone else comes along. Maybe that's a self-defeating habit. But looking back, as of right now these are the major figures for me: Glen, Joyce, and David. Glen because he was my first. Joyce I think is the first person I loved who I had that connection with. David...I'm not sure why. I'm hoping he's one of the ones that falls away as time goes on.

What else is there. I may have to post more later, I can't think of anything atm.

List of 20 things...

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other. (if you get married at all!)

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. (need to work on the sleep & spending bit)

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you ,' mean it. (i do....although I love too easily)

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight. (NO!)

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much. (I need some of those...)

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. (I do believe that this is how I live my life! Whaddya say?)

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. (That's awfully hard...also...never bring the past into it)

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives. (Oh god please don't.)

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly. (hmm......slowwww dowwwwn)

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?' (good tactic!)

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson !

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship...

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY.. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. (very true! I hate how John answers the phone, like you're bothering him!)

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone. (I think I need this. Because really my alone time consists of Wow (with other people) and goodreads/myspace (again, with other people))

Live in the country with an Englishman....

You are getting this book and if you don't like we are not friends.

No ifs and or buts about it.

The cat is sleeping in the chair so I am on my knees behind it writing here. What a night.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

I think I'm going to go live in the country and eat homemade jam on toast and have scones and honey for tea and weed the garden and walk through the woods picking wildflowers, and then come home to read books next to the pond and end the night with a lovely tomato soup and listen to vinyls. All in the company of some bloody brilliant Englishman who sets the world by me, and thinks I am all that matters.

I also really like bananas.

Back on facebook.

Man are you just the little diva party hopper on facebook! You got lots going on there.

I like ur new blog setup. ESPECIALLY the background color. I like coral.

I have the hiccups. Imagine that. I get shitfaced drunk, don't vomit, don't have a hangover....and 24 hours later I have these massive painful unending loud hiccups.

I like the Arctic Monkeys.

Not sure what book to send you. I really wish you had read the circus one....I'm too hesitant to send that, you won't read it.

The book I'm reading now is pretty much a Christian propaganda in disguise. Eck.

Filled out the facebook thing again to get my pw reset; it's a problem because I don't have access to my college email anymore. And of course silly me I never transferred it to my aol email. You have the art group and then two people in my book group said they friended me and I'm like, ugh! NOTHING for months and then all this activity. I'm sad.

My shoulder hurts.

I am going to pretend last night didn't happen, ok? That is a good idea. Good good idea.

Well, Hallie's dad died, I think last week. I read her brother's eulogy, and it made me cry. Her dad sounded like an amazing person. Someone we would have liked. I wrote her and Daniel messages. And then I cried. It sucked.

I don't know why I have problems with good things. Why I can't keep them. I think that's just human nature. I do think I have good things, and I think that things go away for a reason. It just....makes me sad. When I think about them. But then things come up in real life, and I realize the problems they were, and it's ok. It's ok.

Busy week! Worked out tonight, again tomorrow. Airport tomorrow to meet my wow friend. Then Beth's until work. Tuesday, I'm going to GA with Andrew to get David Lee's bday present from Andrew, then Gville to see John. Wednesday, David Lee's bday party. Maybe a Swift conundrum. More than likely not. We'll see. Doesn't really matter, tho, does it? Nope. There's a new feature on myspace, people you may know. Guess who is always number one. Mmmhmmm.

Locked out of my facebook account. I know that I know what my pw is. But I tried every other pw I've ever had, then filled out the lost pw form. A week ago. Haven't heard anything. Debating on just never worrying about it again.

I'm stuck in a reading rut. Nothing I have appeals to me, and I can't think of anything I want to read. Maybe I just need to pick something up. I should work on this stack of magazines under my desk. I'm going with Andrew to school on Tuesday, so we can leave straight from UNF and shave off like an hour of unnecessary driving. So I'll have close to two hours of Starbucks time, I'm gonna need something to read by then.

I feel totally under stimulated this week. WoW isn't doing it for me, nothing I want to watch, nothing I want to read. No good conversations in my book group. Ah, that's life.

Hmm I started drinking SlimFast. Not as filling as it's supposed to be, but it's a start.

I think I just found what I wanted to read....I have copies of the Gnostic gospels & the book of Judas, and I just went through a bit of a religious argument with myself on a board.

This makes me think of you.

Reading the 2nd blog, from when Keri doesn't have a job...I'm up to where you called ur brother John and he was getting divorced and dating Gloria and she was teaching him to dance. XD. I like these stories.

I still had all those coke caps that I never gave to Johnny. I was gonna throw them away, and then I remembered he got AMC tickets with them, so I figured what the hell, why not. They don't have AMC tickets anymore, but in the next month, 10 caps a day, I'll be able to get subscriptions to O, Cosmo, GQ, Harper's Bazaar (debatable) and Better Homes & Gardens (also debatable). Debatable because I'm not entirely sure yet that I want them.

And this is probably one of my most favorite internet games.

Hello.

This is from M's 2nd blog, the dates are not right on it so idk what day.

i want to have plugs in my ears and have hair that is short and dark and i want to go to coffeehouses and drink juice and read books in the couches with my feet tucked under me. i wanna have tattoos that just barely peek out from beneath t-shirts or that are hidden underneath comfy sweaters and i want to be thin and walk around in my flipflops or converse, that are also hidden beneath jeans or dark dress pants...i want to have my headphones on and listen to music and go to shows and not rock out, but rather stand to the side and look lost in the music and write in my journal and write beautiful things at that and look interesting and then when i go outside, drop my skateboard on the ground and mess with it and smoke my black and milds and talk and be mysterious and funny and witty and carefree.... i want to walk with a peaceful kind of flare
i want to live in st. pete and go to the beach on weekdays when not so many people are there, and walk around in the sand, and go to shows at the state theatre and watch the bands, and go shopping at the consignment shop. i want to work in a music store or an art gallery or a book store and do my artwork for myself as i get my interpreter's certificate.....i want to be myself.....damnit..i'm getting there..but not yet.

I like that.

Ok so I realized I haven't written in a VERY long time. Like pen and paper. And the fact that I have a desk and loads of time, it baffles me why I haven't even attempted.

Reformatted my pc. Used my windows disk, kept my wireless driver on my ipod, and used all drivers from the websites. Hopefully I won't get bluescreened. Only time will tell. Not registering until the last possible moment, just in case.

So the guy who sent me the charm ♥'s me; the guy flying into Jville next week ♥'s me; and some guy in Austin ♥'s me. The guy in Austin, he talks to me about art, and I swear I feel like it's you joking around! Tonight he was talking about how he's learning to sew because he picked up two cool chairs on the side of the road, and he pulled off the upholstery and he's going to add massage things and headsets to turn them into gamer chairs, and he's going to make slipcovers. Amazing. And he does art, and he adds his stuff to his myspace for me to look at.

I don't like when guys like me.

My 2009 goals.

• FULL TIME JOB.
• pay off car
• replace timing belt on my car
• pay off my unemployment bill
• visit Morgan
• empty & clean my car. monthly.
• reread Hobbit/Lord of the Rings
• get tan-visit beach at least once a month, april thru october
• move out
• have 1k in savings by 2010
• blog once a week
• spend as much time off the computer as on. if I wow for three hours I need to do something off the computer, not work, not sleep, for three hours.

There you go. My goals. For the next year.