Oh. By John I meant John Harris, from the pet department. Not my bff John or John Gabriel.
Felt like claryifying.
The dog is under my blankets, so cute. I woke up at like six thirty this morning, she was trying to burrow in my legs, so I had her come up to my torso and just covered her up under the top blanket. I have three on. No heat in our house. I've got a space heater, but it's not THAT cold yet. Blankets work fine. Need to clean my room so I can get the electric blanket out. It needs washed, cause it sheds really gross still, but I was thinking of putting it under my fitted sheet instead of on top of me. Seems more green, so the mattress gets warm and stays warm, instead of half the heat going into the air, ya know?
Bachelor party today. Don't know what I'm going to wear. We actually don't even know what we are going to do yet. Probably dave & busters. Need to figure out what to wear & get all my various credit cards together.....just in case. Never know what you may need!
David let me borrow Arrested Development. Watched the first two seasons, friggin hilarious. Good show. Got the last season here, but I've been reading Watchmen & WoWing it up. I'm a lvl 65, but I haven't been levelling. Just been goofing off and doing non XP stuff.
Had to do the pulls for Pharmacy last night. Guess who was there. Gross. I really got upset. He had a Halloween/bday party this past weekend, and EVERYONE went but me. David & them started getting ready while I was at their house....it really hurt my feelings. And of course all the pics....they had fun. :( Then of course Douche Bag is coming to the wedding, and Eric's having a bday party next week and he invited all of us....it's like, I thought I could handle it? But I can't. It really really hurt. I guess though more time is needed. I'm not looking at his myspace, or purposely going by pharmacy needlessly, or doing stupid things. Not talking to Kevin. He is short with me when I try anyway. Well, he's the same, I just look deeper into it trying to make something of nothing.
Daniel took me out of his top friends. And he's ignored a couple attempts at communication. Wonder if it's because of me or because of what happened with David.
Worried about Pretty. Riva said she's in a bad way, caught up in a bad crowd. Had to send her to a group home for a while. Poor kid.
Hoping AT&T gets on the ball. Haven't got much money left, just my Walmart stock, and that is down of course so I'd be losing some money....don't want to do that. I have gone much further than I thought I would, though, so that's good. Getting a few extra hours at work every couple of weeks, which is helping out A LOT. And gas going down is totally awesome too--saving like ten bucks or more a tank, so that's more that I have to live off of.
When will this all end? When will I be able to just be?
Never. What would be the point.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
So I've decided screw it with the reposting from Myspace. If they ever shut down, then I'll transfer from there to here.
I don't think I'm avoiding much any more. Facing, and not doing anything. Working out better.
Colpack deleted me from myspace and called me a whack job. After he himself was acting crazy. So the next day he gets on and decides he wants to IM me and discuss why he deleted me, proceed to tell me what a horrible person I am, and wants me to apologize for him deleting me.
What he really wanted was for me to take back all the truthful things I said after he deleted me, because they hurt, and for me to be truthful some more. Because no one tells him the truth. Everyone lies to him. He lies to himself.
So after talking to him for like half an hour I finally just shut the computer off. He kept asking me to take back what I said and I won't, because it was true. He was mad that I wasn't protecting his fragile ego. Fuck that. I'm not going to apologize because he is mentally unstable.
I love candles. Love love love them.
I hate how much I am like my mother. I guess, though, you only notice things because you don't want to be them. If I didn't care I'm sure I wouldn't notice it as much.
So I am going to try and minimize my vast amounts of possessions. I did a bit a few weeks ago, went through my clothes. Didn't get rid of much, but what I did get rid of was stuff I'd been hoarding since I was like 12. Seriously. Just have to do a little bit at a time.
Was doing good with eating better and exercising, but last week shot that all to hell. And I've got the wedding this week and all that jazz that accompanies, so I'm not planning on anything special this week. Linda and I are going to resume come November.
Getting to go to the bachelor party also. When we were talking about it, it was like, dude, I'm more of a guy than half the guys going. So I got auto-invited, only none of the girls besides Reyna & Sherry are gonna know. Because it is technically no girls allowed. I just happen to have a big penis.
Cleaned a tiny bit this morning. Just redid some of my stuff hanging up, and the stuff on my headboard. When I got home my room smelled incredibly stale, so I need to air it out I suppose. It was closed up for two days and I haven't run the fan in a week or so, so it all just sat here...I need to think of redo-ing how things are. I like it, but it's messy and non-conducive. So I'm unproductive.
John is having me read The Watchmen. It's really good so far, just kinda deep and a lot at once, so it's slow going.
I've got this INCREDIBLE art project I've been working on for months. So much left to do. I should work on it more. I plan on that, as well.
This has been a most unproductive four months, if you don't count all the reading and leveling I've done.
I don't think I'm avoiding much any more. Facing, and not doing anything. Working out better.
Colpack deleted me from myspace and called me a whack job. After he himself was acting crazy. So the next day he gets on and decides he wants to IM me and discuss why he deleted me, proceed to tell me what a horrible person I am, and wants me to apologize for him deleting me.
What he really wanted was for me to take back all the truthful things I said after he deleted me, because they hurt, and for me to be truthful some more. Because no one tells him the truth. Everyone lies to him. He lies to himself.
So after talking to him for like half an hour I finally just shut the computer off. He kept asking me to take back what I said and I won't, because it was true. He was mad that I wasn't protecting his fragile ego. Fuck that. I'm not going to apologize because he is mentally unstable.
I love candles. Love love love them.
I hate how much I am like my mother. I guess, though, you only notice things because you don't want to be them. If I didn't care I'm sure I wouldn't notice it as much.
So I am going to try and minimize my vast amounts of possessions. I did a bit a few weeks ago, went through my clothes. Didn't get rid of much, but what I did get rid of was stuff I'd been hoarding since I was like 12. Seriously. Just have to do a little bit at a time.
Was doing good with eating better and exercising, but last week shot that all to hell. And I've got the wedding this week and all that jazz that accompanies, so I'm not planning on anything special this week. Linda and I are going to resume come November.
Getting to go to the bachelor party also. When we were talking about it, it was like, dude, I'm more of a guy than half the guys going. So I got auto-invited, only none of the girls besides Reyna & Sherry are gonna know. Because it is technically no girls allowed. I just happen to have a big penis.
Cleaned a tiny bit this morning. Just redid some of my stuff hanging up, and the stuff on my headboard. When I got home my room smelled incredibly stale, so I need to air it out I suppose. It was closed up for two days and I haven't run the fan in a week or so, so it all just sat here...I need to think of redo-ing how things are. I like it, but it's messy and non-conducive. So I'm unproductive.
John is having me read The Watchmen. It's really good so far, just kinda deep and a lot at once, so it's slow going.
I've got this INCREDIBLE art project I've been working on for months. So much left to do. I should work on it more. I plan on that, as well.
This has been a most unproductive four months, if you don't count all the reading and leveling I've done.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
From 08*02*08
This very second.
It is so clear. Concise. Perfect.
I can see so utterly what life is.
Everything.
Fitting. Working. Fueling. Loving. Being.
I wish I could bottle this, remember it forever.
What you think does not matter.
What I have does not matter.
Right here.
Between my ears.
All of humanity is stored there. Every idea ever thought. Every dream ever believed.
I have power.
Limitless.
This very second.
It is so clear. Concise. Perfect.
I can see so utterly what life is.
Everything.
Fitting. Working. Fueling. Loving. Being.
I wish I could bottle this, remember it forever.
What you think does not matter.
What I have does not matter.
Right here.
Between my ears.
All of humanity is stored there. Every idea ever thought. Every dream ever believed.
I have power.
Limitless.
From 07*31*08
November 12, 1991
Dear friend,
I love Twinkies, and the reason I am saying that is because we are all supposed to think of reasons to live. In science class, Mr. Z. told us about an experiment where they got this rat or mouse, and they put this rat or mouse on one side of a cage. On the other side of the cage, they put a little piece of food. And this rat or mouse would walk over to the food and eat. Then, they put the rat or mouse back on its original side, and this time, they put electricity all through the floor where the rat or mouse would have to walk to get the piece of food. They did this for a while, and the rat or mouse stopped going to get the food at a certain amount of voltage. Then, they repeated the experiment, but they replaced the food with something that gave the rat or mouse intense pleasure. I don't know what it was that gave them intense pleasure, but I am guessing it is some kind of rat or mouse nip. Anyway, what the scientists found out was that the rat or mouse would put up with a lot more voltage for the pleasure. Even more than for the food.
I don't know the significance of this, but I find it very interesting.
Love always,
Charlie
November 12, 1991
Dear friend,
I love Twinkies, and the reason I am saying that is because we are all supposed to think of reasons to live. In science class, Mr. Z. told us about an experiment where they got this rat or mouse, and they put this rat or mouse on one side of a cage. On the other side of the cage, they put a little piece of food. And this rat or mouse would walk over to the food and eat. Then, they put the rat or mouse back on its original side, and this time, they put electricity all through the floor where the rat or mouse would have to walk to get the piece of food. They did this for a while, and the rat or mouse stopped going to get the food at a certain amount of voltage. Then, they repeated the experiment, but they replaced the food with something that gave the rat or mouse intense pleasure. I don't know what it was that gave them intense pleasure, but I am guessing it is some kind of rat or mouse nip. Anyway, what the scientists found out was that the rat or mouse would put up with a lot more voltage for the pleasure. Even more than for the food.
I don't know the significance of this, but I find it very interesting.
Love always,
Charlie
From 07*26*08
First and foremost.
It helps when you have the volume on.
Made an impulsive purchase yesterday, turns out it may have been the best thing I could have done.
I bought "Twilight" by Stephanie Meyer. Watched the trailer for the movie, and it looked awesome. Then I found out it was a vampire book. I was like hmmmm.....
So. Nine bucks later. I cried through half the book. It is such a sappy love story. The vampire mechanics aren't even explained well.
But.
It thoroughly cheered me up. Made me feel better about everything, for some reason.
Listened to Delilah on the way home last night for some reason. Just for a bit. She said "There is no pain quite so excruciating as betrayal." And it nearly broke my heart. I feel as if I have been used and thrown away. My heart is literally hurt. Every time I think about it my chest gets tight and it's hard to breathe.
He takes for granted the fact that he can treat me horribly, lie about me, make me look like a bad person.....and that I won't say a thing.
The worst part is that he's right.
So resistant to change, some people are. If they would just embrace that times are different, situations are different, people are different. You don't remain the same person, even if you try to. You grow up, you mature, your tastes change. You can't continue to do the same thing and get fulfillment from it. You may not even notice how shallow your actions are, how hollow your soul is. And then someone comes along who changes your life. Changes your perspective. Opens your eyes. And you realize you can never be the same person. You can never go back to being the person you were before.
No matter how far you cut into your life to take me out, I'm always going to be there. In your head. Whispering.
Morgan is brilliant.
The subject of change is fickle. Everyone likes to think they respond well to it. Very few people do.
Morgan gave me probably one of the best compliments ever.
She said I was fluid. I respond well to change.
That made my day.
First and foremost.
It helps when you have the volume on.
Made an impulsive purchase yesterday, turns out it may have been the best thing I could have done.
I bought "Twilight" by Stephanie Meyer. Watched the trailer for the movie, and it looked awesome. Then I found out it was a vampire book. I was like hmmmm.....
So. Nine bucks later. I cried through half the book. It is such a sappy love story. The vampire mechanics aren't even explained well.
But.
It thoroughly cheered me up. Made me feel better about everything, for some reason.
Listened to Delilah on the way home last night for some reason. Just for a bit. She said "There is no pain quite so excruciating as betrayal." And it nearly broke my heart. I feel as if I have been used and thrown away. My heart is literally hurt. Every time I think about it my chest gets tight and it's hard to breathe.
He takes for granted the fact that he can treat me horribly, lie about me, make me look like a bad person.....and that I won't say a thing.
The worst part is that he's right.
So resistant to change, some people are. If they would just embrace that times are different, situations are different, people are different. You don't remain the same person, even if you try to. You grow up, you mature, your tastes change. You can't continue to do the same thing and get fulfillment from it. You may not even notice how shallow your actions are, how hollow your soul is. And then someone comes along who changes your life. Changes your perspective. Opens your eyes. And you realize you can never be the same person. You can never go back to being the person you were before.
No matter how far you cut into your life to take me out, I'm always going to be there. In your head. Whispering.
Morgan is brilliant.
The subject of change is fickle. Everyone likes to think they respond well to it. Very few people do.
Morgan gave me probably one of the best compliments ever.
She said I was fluid. I respond well to change.
That made my day.
From 07*15*08
As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it.--Albert Einstein
The more you know, the more you realize you don't know.
You'll never know everything.
What I do know.
I am an amazing person.
My perseverance, loyalty, and strength astound me.
What kills me is how I forget that I possess these tremendous qualities.
For too long I've been relying on others for my strength, my answers, and to be the illumination for my path.
I'm the fucking sun
You are just a god damn penlight.
Why the fuck did I turn myself off?
Why?
I don't know, and honestly, the reason is no longer important.
What is important is that I got out from behind the shadows, I'm burning brightly, I'm moving on and living it up.
Decided lotssss of things the last few days.
Definitely getting my tattoo. Soon.
I am punk rock. Not metal, not pop, not blues rock, not British pop. Punk fucking rock.
My life is, always has been, and always will be mine.
I can't let the little people bring me down.
I can't let people who are unsatisfied with their own lives have an impact on my own happiness.
I can own everything around me.
No more of this cowering, no more uncertainty, no more pussyfooting around.
Move over bitches.
Sarah mother fuckin K is back.
And back big.
As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it.--Albert Einstein
The more you know, the more you realize you don't know.
You'll never know everything.
What I do know.
I am an amazing person.
My perseverance, loyalty, and strength astound me.
What kills me is how I forget that I possess these tremendous qualities.
For too long I've been relying on others for my strength, my answers, and to be the illumination for my path.
I'm the fucking sun
You are just a god damn penlight.
Why the fuck did I turn myself off?
Why?
I don't know, and honestly, the reason is no longer important.
What is important is that I got out from behind the shadows, I'm burning brightly, I'm moving on and living it up.
Decided lotssss of things the last few days.
Definitely getting my tattoo. Soon.
I am punk rock. Not metal, not pop, not blues rock, not British pop. Punk fucking rock.
My life is, always has been, and always will be mine.
I can't let the little people bring me down.
I can't let people who are unsatisfied with their own lives have an impact on my own happiness.
I can own everything around me.
No more of this cowering, no more uncertainty, no more pussyfooting around.
Move over bitches.
Sarah mother fuckin K is back.
And back big.
From 06*27*08
When someone allows you to bear his burdens, you have found deep friendship. - real live preacher
Taken from Morgans blog
Amazing.
Simply amazing.
One phone call from a friend in distress can lead to some of the best, most intense bonding.
I never thought I would find another person who so incredibly can read my mind. I swear the more I get to know him the more I think we are meant to be together--not all crazy like love, I'm talking about this guy is meant to be in my life--he is here to teach me something about myself, about relationships, about the world, about life--and I need to remember to keep my eyes, my ears, and my heart open to envelop that lesson. Talking to him is like talking to myself, from the life story to the way we relate to things to our emotional developments.
In other news.
Got a lot of things resolved this week. I hit my wall, and instead of standing their and pounding my head I actually found the ladder--I'm working my way up and over. Thank you thank you to Kevin and David for blowing my mind and breaking me down.
I'm going to bed now.
When someone allows you to bear his burdens, you have found deep friendship. - real live preacher
Taken from Morgans blog
Amazing.
Simply amazing.
One phone call from a friend in distress can lead to some of the best, most intense bonding.
I never thought I would find another person who so incredibly can read my mind. I swear the more I get to know him the more I think we are meant to be together--not all crazy like love, I'm talking about this guy is meant to be in my life--he is here to teach me something about myself, about relationships, about the world, about life--and I need to remember to keep my eyes, my ears, and my heart open to envelop that lesson. Talking to him is like talking to myself, from the life story to the way we relate to things to our emotional developments.
In other news.
Got a lot of things resolved this week. I hit my wall, and instead of standing their and pounding my head I actually found the ladder--I'm working my way up and over. Thank you thank you to Kevin and David for blowing my mind and breaking me down.
I'm going to bed now.
From 06*23*08
So I think I pretty much decided what has been going on in my head.
I haven't been writing. I actually haven't written in about seven months.
Having no where to place these thoughts allows them to wallow in my mind, twisting and turning beyond any semblance of a recognizable, sane thought.
Turning into psychotic ramblings, a synapse of irrelevant thoughts and inane productions.
The second t hing I have not done.
Is listen to Britney Spears.
Don't knock it. It's what I had when I felt most myself.
Another thing that has come to light--distraction.
One distraction has opened a multitude of doors and windows I never even knew where there. Thrown open the drapes and shutters and flooded my life with light and revelation.
By refocusing my energy I have seen others refocus their energy on me.
Even if it is too little, too late.
How do you know when to stop loving someone? I don't think you ever do. I think you love them as long as they are in your heart, as long as your heart is beating and your brain has thought, and much much longer after that.
The heart is an imprint of the soul. If what you love and believe is written so strongly on your heart that it becomes part of your soul, than that love never dies.
So I think I pretty much decided what has been going on in my head.
I haven't been writing. I actually haven't written in about seven months.
Having no where to place these thoughts allows them to wallow in my mind, twisting and turning beyond any semblance of a recognizable, sane thought.
Turning into psychotic ramblings, a synapse of irrelevant thoughts and inane productions.
The second t hing I have not done.
Is listen to Britney Spears.
Don't knock it. It's what I had when I felt most myself.
Another thing that has come to light--distraction.
One distraction has opened a multitude of doors and windows I never even knew where there. Thrown open the drapes and shutters and flooded my life with light and revelation.
By refocusing my energy I have seen others refocus their energy on me.
Even if it is too little, too late.
How do you know when to stop loving someone? I don't think you ever do. I think you love them as long as they are in your heart, as long as your heart is beating and your brain has thought, and much much longer after that.
The heart is an imprint of the soul. If what you love and believe is written so strongly on your heart that it becomes part of your soul, than that love never dies.
From 16*19*08
Just let it go.
Impossible.
But it is what needs to happen.
It's amazing how much I need to apply that thought in every single part of my life.
Customer's yelling at you? Let it go.
Walmart is stupid? Let it go.
Holding on to boxes of crap because I might need it one day? Let it go.
Thinking I may have made one of the biggest mistakes in my life? Let it go.
David deleted me from myspace? Let it go.
Wow that one hurt.
Wanting to know you're important to your friends? Let it go.
Your moms a stupid whore that ruined your life? Let it go.
Well.
It certainly puts things into perspective.
So.
My first life lesson.
Let it go.
Just let it go.
Impossible.
But it is what needs to happen.
It's amazing how much I need to apply that thought in every single part of my life.
Customer's yelling at you? Let it go.
Walmart is stupid? Let it go.
Holding on to boxes of crap because I might need it one day? Let it go.
Thinking I may have made one of the biggest mistakes in my life? Let it go.
David deleted me from myspace? Let it go.
Wow that one hurt.
Wanting to know you're important to your friends? Let it go.
Your moms a stupid whore that ruined your life? Let it go.
Well.
It certainly puts things into perspective.
So.
My first life lesson.
Let it go.
From 04*26*08
You should never view someone as an option when they view you as a priority.
Amazing inspiration from a very unlikely source.
I'm not sure what's going on.
All I know is that I want to feel like I'm being heard. I want Johnny to recognize that he hurts me by hanging out with this person. I want Joyce to recognize...Fuck we all know that answer.
I realize that I may be asking too much. I can't hold other people to the unbelievable standard to which I hold myself....I've lived through a lot of bad. And because of that I hold myself to a lot of good. I treat everyone how I want to be treated--and I want to be treated amazingly.
I guess other people don't know how to do that.
So how do I deal?
I lose the friends I have...which I seem to be doing a pretty good job at.
Or I let it go. Realize that no one is ever going to treat me how I feel I deserve to be treated. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't let people try. And then I can't fault them for trying even if they don't succeed.
Why do I do this?
From 01*15*08
Forget mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now and do it. Today is your lucky day.-Will Durant
Live for today. Fuck yesterday. Who cares. Apologize where needed, forgive where needed, and keep going! Don't let yesterday kill today. Love life for what it is, be thankful for the moments you had. Look forward to having them again in new and better ways. Don't pine for the past, it's gone. Look back fondly, be happy, and store the memories in that part of your soul that keeps you full.
One is taught by experience to put a premium on those few people who can appreciate you for what you are.-Gail Godwin
The people who love me are the people I need to love. The people who love me while I cry and complain and push them away are the people I need more than anyone else. Don't let me push you away. Don't let me forsake you for something fickle or shallow. You are my heart.
We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.
I don't respond to you because of you--I respond to you because of me. When you tell me to rest assured and be secure, I see you looking at it how I would--trying to make me feel better even if you're not telling the whole truth. But you're not. I don't know for sure how you're looking at it, but you're not looking at it how I look at it. So I shouldn't try and interpret it. Take it, accept it, if it's bad I should change it and if it's good I should love it.
I love you.
Don't postpone joy.-Bumper Sticker
I need to live now. Not in the past. Not in the future. Now. Life does not wait for me, it gives me when it gives me. If I don't accept it that is my fault. Not life's. My failure.
I deserve it. So I'm going to take it.
Forget mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now and do it. Today is your lucky day.-Will Durant
Live for today. Fuck yesterday. Who cares. Apologize where needed, forgive where needed, and keep going! Don't let yesterday kill today. Love life for what it is, be thankful for the moments you had. Look forward to having them again in new and better ways. Don't pine for the past, it's gone. Look back fondly, be happy, and store the memories in that part of your soul that keeps you full.
One is taught by experience to put a premium on those few people who can appreciate you for what you are.-Gail Godwin
The people who love me are the people I need to love. The people who love me while I cry and complain and push them away are the people I need more than anyone else. Don't let me push you away. Don't let me forsake you for something fickle or shallow. You are my heart.
We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.
I don't respond to you because of you--I respond to you because of me. When you tell me to rest assured and be secure, I see you looking at it how I would--trying to make me feel better even if you're not telling the whole truth. But you're not. I don't know for sure how you're looking at it, but you're not looking at it how I look at it. So I shouldn't try and interpret it. Take it, accept it, if it's bad I should change it and if it's good I should love it.
I love you.
Don't postpone joy.-Bumper Sticker
I need to live now. Not in the past. Not in the future. Now. Life does not wait for me, it gives me when it gives me. If I don't accept it that is my fault. Not life's. My failure.
I deserve it. So I'm going to take it.
From 12*02*07
Off a shampoo bottle:
philosophy: we dream of the perfect life, perfect health, the perfect relationship even perfect hair. in doing so we lose sight of the most perfect thing there is. we call it "the perfect plan". it is the invisible energy life force that directs our every move, every triumph and every set back. it is a master plan that requires no perfection. once you surrender to the plan you genuinely see the perfection of God's plan. and in sikness and in health you drop to your knees and say thank-you for every perfect note played in your life's theme song. no matter what note is being played, we are required to dance.
From 11*28*07
Some older stuff 10-26-07
Focus. Drive. Ambition. Discipline. Stength. Trust. Love.
Do you know what you want? Rigth now, tomorrow, forever? What do you want in and from life? What are you working for? What are you hoping to gain? What am I intent on?
There aren't any real answers. The answers change everday. They are never the same. Every minute of every day I am growing, changing, living, aging.
It is up to me to make my life what I want it to be. I can't wait on someone or something to give me what I want. Only I can give me what I want.
If you want someone in your life than there has to be a reason for them to be around. Be irresistable. Don't change, just amplify the good and muffle the bad.
Everything works out eventually. Nothing stays bad forever. Time is the answer to most any question. You just have to be satisfied with that as your answer and wait.
Life is about waiting, but it's not about wasting. You must always continue to live and thrive. Always examine yourself. Make change where change is needed. Cut out the bad. Tend to the good. Life will reward you for living. Know who you are, accept you, and be happy.
If you like him then be gentle & kind. Give him a reason to love you. Show your heart, not your pride. Show your spirit, not your pettyness. Make him see you for the unique amazing person you are, and he won't be able to help himself.
Some older stuff 10-26-07
Focus. Drive. Ambition. Discipline. Stength. Trust. Love.
Do you know what you want? Rigth now, tomorrow, forever? What do you want in and from life? What are you working for? What are you hoping to gain? What am I intent on?
There aren't any real answers. The answers change everday. They are never the same. Every minute of every day I am growing, changing, living, aging.
It is up to me to make my life what I want it to be. I can't wait on someone or something to give me what I want. Only I can give me what I want.
If you want someone in your life than there has to be a reason for them to be around. Be irresistable. Don't change, just amplify the good and muffle the bad.
Everything works out eventually. Nothing stays bad forever. Time is the answer to most any question. You just have to be satisfied with that as your answer and wait.
Life is about waiting, but it's not about wasting. You must always continue to live and thrive. Always examine yourself. Make change where change is needed. Cut out the bad. Tend to the good. Life will reward you for living. Know who you are, accept you, and be happy.
If you like him then be gentle & kind. Give him a reason to love you. Show your heart, not your pride. Show your spirit, not your pettyness. Make him see you for the unique amazing person you are, and he won't be able to help himself.
From 11*17*07
Forgiveness is having the courage to take down the walls that we think are there to protect us.
Forgiving myself may turn out to be the end goal right now. Who am I not to deserve what I want? Who am I not to get it?
I think my problem is that I'm not honest with myself. I don't want to admit to myself what I really want and then stick with it.
I want that communication but when the opportunity is there I don't take it...and I don't make opportunites where they need to be made. I need to just do it. Whatever the outcome is I need to just do it.
But then I don't want to lose the hope. Hope is sometimes all we have. And sometimes...
WoW.
Not even World of Warcraft. Just WoW.
*Note.....I didn't even play Warcraft when I posted it. I actually hated the game at the time!*
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